


The Force of Our Dreams

by Methuselah87



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Consensual, F/M, Gradual Build Up, Pining, dream connection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:34:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 49,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22188709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Methuselah87/pseuds/Methuselah87
Summary: Before the Rise of Skywalker, Ren finds himself tied to Rey through a dream connection that he mistakes as a one-sided dream. While she's training alongside the rebellion, he is on his ship plotting his next move. Minimal spoilers until Ch. 15. Entire movie rewrite in progress.Art recently included! all drawn by me! Please follow :)https://www.instagram.com/marker_blue/?hl=en
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 16
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! Some points: 
> 
> 1\. Everything in this fanficiton is based off of consent.  
> 2\. This relationship WILL be based around the death of Kylo Ren and the reemergence of Ben.  
> 3\. This will not follow movie cannon.  
> 4\. Yes, this is a coping mechanism to deal with Rise of Skywalker.
> 
> It should be short and sweet, but it takes a long time to write 6 pages for one chapter, so please be patient with me! Leave your thoughts below!

Some nights, he could dream. And some nights he could not. Dreams, like visions from the force, came and went like ocean tides - they were just as cold, and just as misshapen in his mind, as all things were. The filtered air was still. The force was with him even as he lay, seemingly alone, far into the night. It breathed when he breathed. It twitched when he twitched. It sighed, emptying its lungs into the darkness all around him, joining his breath in a cold, swirling cloud. 

Kylo Ren felt as secure in his metal bunk as a prisoner felt in a cell. The march of the patrols had almost lulled him to sleep, just as it did every night, but tonight he was not resisting the pull of sleep. Tonight, he could feel a good dream coming. His spirit was tired; long days of anger and pain had drained him, and so his weaknesses began to overpower his willpower. It was one of the many flaws of being human. Thoughts he wouldn’t normally indulge in surfaced because, no matter how hard he tried, he didn’t have the strength to push them away again. 

The room slipped away, then the ship, and then the galaxy itself. His tense muscles relaxed. His warm breath rolled from between his lips. Everything was quiet. In the calm of his mind, the dream began to take form, and he let it take him. 

* * *

Grey skies touched green cliffs. On the cold wind came a spray of ocean water and icy rain, pattering against his pale face in the dull light of day. Ren could hear the gush of the rain as it rushed off of the top of his father’s ship, the Millennium Falcon, and splattered against the mud surrounding him. He looked up to watch it run. It seemed to fall in slow-motion. Reaching out his bare hand, he touched the freezing stream without flinching, his face unreadable. This place was familiar to him. He’d felt this feeling - been here before - in a vision. 

Remembering why he had welcomed the dream, Ren turned around, his boots pushing through the mud. Like a drowned rat in soaked white cloth, clutching a staff, the girl Rey’s dark eyes bore into him. They were almost as black as his; they looked so dark in her blanched, beautiful face, small, with such mousey features. She wasn’t a pretty girl. Not exactly. 

He took a step closer to get a better look, and she took a step back in reply, pointing her staff in his face. Fire burned in those eyes. Gently, he let his eyes follow the curl of her wet hair as it passed across her cheek, touching the corner of her lip, and followed each strand as it swam across her forehead. No. Not pretty at all. 

“Rey,” he said, and it echoed between them. “You know why I’m here.”

She quivered at the sound of his voice, likely in fear. Her lively little face hardened. “No,” she whispered.

Ren studied her. Yes, this was a dream. He could feel nothing from her now. The force was not connecting them. He stepped forward again, and this time she did not move away. His eyes leveled her own. “You know.” He leaned closer, reaching out to touch her face, and she stood frozen as he pushed the hair from her eyes. Her skin was ice cold. “You’ve felt it from the first day we connected like this. Through the force.” 

“Yes,” she admitted, watching his hand as though it were a viper. He withdrew it. “What do you want from me, Ren?”

“From you? Nothing.”

Rey scowled. “Liar.”

Lifting an eyebrow, Ren leaned back. “You’re well aware that I have never lied to you.”

“Then why are you here?” Rey demanded. “This place doesn’t belong to you.”

“True. I didn’t belong in my father’s world,” Ren said. “But you did.” He tried to discern her true feelings from the flicker of emotion in her eyes, but without the force it was… difficult. He’d never been good with women. 

She was disdainful of him to say the least. “Tell me the truth. Why did you come here?” Rey asked in a steady voice, no longer quivering.

Looking again at her disheveled appearance, Ren met her eyes. “I came here to see you.”

Rey seemed genuinely surprised. “Me?”

“Is it so hard to believe?”

She stared at him. “I can’t feel the force from you. Why?”

“This is just a dream.”

“No, it isn’t,” Rey said firmly. “This is real. I’m real.”

This wasn’t going anywhere. Annoyed, Ren stepped up to her, reaching out to grasp her cold arms, and she gasped in shock. “You’re as real as I am,” he said. He was, in fact, burning up, feeling the splotches of heat in his face, and he intended to share that heat with her.

The staff fell from her hands. It was almost like she was surprised that he had any warmth left in him at all. “Let go,” she said quietly.

Ren stared at her. “You’re freezing.”

“I said _let go._ ”

“You’ll catch cold.”

“Don’t tell me what I-”

Ren slid his hands along the clammy skin of her upper arms, feeling his fingertips dampen from the droplets of rain clinging there and ignoring it as he rubbed life into her limbs. “There’s no need to be so stubborn. It’s only to save you from the cold.”

Rey pushed him away. She picked up her staff and stepped away from him, her eyes glaring daggers into his heart. “I don’t need to be saved by you, Ren,” she said. Then she pressed her lips into a thin line and stepped backwards into the rain, vanishing from sight.

* * *

Kylo Ren awoke feeling flushed. He looked around the dimly lit room, dizzy, and ran a hand down his face. His feelings were so strong today. Swinging his legs out of bed, he stalked across the room to grab his cowl, and hastily pulled it on. 

The next evening, Ren poured over his reports, pushing thoughts of the dream from his mind. He plotted their next course as he absorbed data from all over the ship. Fuel consumption, weapons statistics, even expenses all covered his spreadsheets. He picked up a sheet and squinted at it. Hux had been giving him looks all day. Without his mask, it was difficult to avoid his own microexpressions, inviting more prying eyes than normal. Flashes of pain crossed his face whenever he recalled the dream again and he felt a stab of regret at the indulgence. It was too hard to think about her. No one could read his mind - thankfully - but he had to live with it day in and day out. It was just one more feeling he had to carry.

He glanced at his disheveled cot across the room. Slowly, he put down his pen. 

Ren fell hard into sleep. 

* * *

This time, the sun beat down on him. Rey was standing on a large, flat stone overlooking a beautiful green valley, and Ren could just make out her silhouette from a distance. For some reason, he was miles away. He looked down at his boots and realized that he was standing in golden wheat up to his hips. When he brushed his hand through it, it tickled his fingertips, and a ripple of pleasure went through him. Such a basic sensation. He had missed this. Feeling. Looking up, he realized that Rey had turned towards him. He could feel her eyes boring into his own. Black hair whipping his cheeks, he stared back at her, feeling the overwhelming urge to flee. He’d never felt such a thing before.

She leapt off of the rock and ran down the grassy hill, suddenly leaving him behind, and he lurched forward as though to chase her down - but he accidentally tripped and fell. Somehow the hill was beneath him now. He was rolling, head over heels, down the cushioned slope, the blue sky and green grass flashing passed him a hundred times before his world finally stopped spinning. It brought him right back to his clumsy childhood. Frustration tore through him. He’d hated tripping over everything, bumping into walls, dropping everything he touched; at an early age, his limbs had outgrown the rest of him, and he’d struggled to gain control of his body for years. Those memories still plagued him. 

Clutching his head, he rolled his eyes to the sky, and over him knelt a girl in white robes. Her hair was like chocolate silk, gathering around her face like a halo, and her eyes were soft and unguarded for the very first time. There was even a cheeky smile on her face. 

“Nice going, Ben,” she teased, but he could only stare at her in wonder. He had never seen Rey with her hair down before. After a moment of still silence, she reconsidered his position, sitting back from him in all of her brilliance. “Ben?” 

“Yes?” He managed.

Rey held out her hand. “You _are_ alright, aren’t you?”

Glancing between her face and her hand, Ren found himself at a loss. He could think of nothing more than his intense desire to take her outstretched hand - to map the texture of her skin, unfettered, and to squeeze her fingers with his own - and yet he lay frozen. He couldn’t do it. Protstrate in the grass, helplessly he watched her rise to her feet and drift away, her shadow following her over the horizon. Desperately he strained to watch her go. 

* * *

When he awoke that day, he felt like his face was wet. Tears of frustration were already drying on his cheeks. He sat up and touched them gingerly. What was wrong with him? Why was this happening? Angrily, he threw aside his covers and got to his feet, jumping in alarm when he felt like the spines of broken wheat had speared the bottom of his feet. 

  
  


Days went by, and Ren couldn’t rest. He stalked the halls of the star destroyer like a specter mourning its violent death, leaving angry echoes of his footsteps everywhere he went. Patrols of storm troopers avoided him like the plague. He couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep - images of her dodged his every step. The patterned design of the hallways drove him insane. No matter where he turned, it was the same long hall, the same lights, the same everything. Nothing to tear him from the memory of sunlight filtering through her brunette hair. Nothing to erase the brilliance of her smile from his every thought. 

Ever since they’d connected through the force all of those months ago, her spirit had been with him. Ren could feel her no matter where he was in the galaxy. Maybe it wasn’t really her. Maybe it was the memory of her burned into his mind, or even just the idea of her that he kept feeling. All he knew was that in order to free himself from her, Ren would have to cut himself off from the force entirely. And there was no way he could risk having that disadvantage over some scavenger girl. 

Finally, Ren returned to his quarters. The door slid shut behind him. Nothing had moved. No one had come in, or out, and even the air itself was unbothered. He sighed through his nose. Slowly he crossed the threshold, peeling off his gloves as he did and tossing them into a laundry bin in the wall. Perhaps a shower would rid him of this dirty feeling. Piles of black clothes at his feet, he watched the steam rise from the shower, hesitant to step forward. Even the filth of the feeling was better than not having it - not having her with him. Turning, he glanced in the mirror at his own haunted reflection. The dark eyes staring back at him were ringed with black circles. He needed to get some sleep, dream or no dream.

The clouded water swirled down the drain. Ren pushed soap through his coarse black hair, watching the suds spin away from him. What was she doing now, he wondered? Training, maybe. Hiding. Hot water pounding his shoulders served at least to ease some tension from his muscles; the rigidity of his body had worn it down quite a bit. More than he was used to, anyway. 

A freckled hand hesitated to turn off the water before falling again to his side. Another minute of this. That was all he needed. He ran his fingers through his hair to untangle it, hand over hand, thinking about nothing. The less he dwelt on the dream, the better he felt. The water cut off. He pushed the water from his skin with a towel and he shaved carefully in the mirror, his hand steady. Once he was satisfied with that, it was clean clothing and the cot. 

Ren eyed his bed as he padded to the light switch. The dreaded cot. Here it was. Moment of truth. Darkness fell, and so did his eyelids. The heat of the shower had relaxed his anxious tension. He was finally ready for sleep when it came for him. 

* * *

“Where’ve you been?” Rey’s voice pierced his slumber. He rolled over, hazy, and blinked up at her. She stood over him in the firelight backlit like a goddess. “Can’t sleep, Ren?”

A slab of stone was cold and hard beneath him. He glanced around briefly at the neatly stacked rock walls, the dirt floor and tapered ceiling, and then back at her. They were in the stone cottage where they’d first connected. He didn’t remember this bed. It must be her memory. “No,” he replied at last, gingerly propping himself up on his elbow. “I knew that you would be here.”

Rey put her hands on her hips. He could see in her outline the staff on her back, and the cloth tunic she wore seemed to glow. “I thought you wanted to see me.”

“I did.” Ren rubbed his face.

“But not anymore.”

“No.” Ren pressed his lips into a thin line. They blanched. It wasn’t even her he was talking to - it was his idea of her, his memory and yearnings of a girl he barely knew. 

Rey paused. “You’re still so sure this is a dream.”

“...Yes.”

“You hesitated.”

Ren motioned for her to sit and she did. He could see her well enough now. The warmth of the light flattered her complexion, and it danced in her eyes. “Prove to me this isn’t a dream,” he whispered.

She chuckled. “Oh ye of little faith.”

Staring into her eyes made Ren feel like he was losing control of the situation. They were only a foot and a breath apart, so he lifted his hand and offered it to her. Her eyes flickered but he couldn’t tell why. It made him wary. He was sure this wasn’t real - if it was, she would have hesitated to touch him at all. 

But she didn’t. Her hand slid into his as though it were familiar with the skin there, as though she knew him. And, in a way, he supposed that she did know him. She touched his palm with her fingertips and it felt like electricity - he instinctively closed his hand into a fist, trapping her fingers inside it, intertwined with his own. 

Rey flexed her hand. “A bit tight.”

Ren didn’t respond. He felt the fake warmth of her skin and sighed, annoyed with himself for enjoying this. When their eyes met his were hard. “You lied to me.”

“This doesn’t prove anything.” Rey laughed. She shook him off, rubbing her sore hand. “I’m just as surprised as you are!”

Ren grunted. He lay back down and faced the wall, shutting his eyes. “Go away.”

A hand rested on his arm. “You know I won’t.”

“Please,” he tried. “We can’t… I can’t keep doing this.”

Pausing, Rey withdrew her hand. “You’re afraid.”

It wasn’t real. She wasn’t real. “Yes,” he said quietly. “Wouldn’t you be?”

“I _am_ afraid, Ben,” Rey said, and he stiffened. 

Whirling on her, Ren sat up. _“Don’t call me that!”_ He roared. 

With a gasp, Rey vanished, and Ren felt his heart drop into his stomach. 

“...Rey?” Swinging his legs to the floor, Ren searched the room with his eyes. She was gone. The room dissolved around him. He blinked rapidly, watching in disbelief as his own quarters appeared before his eyes. 

* * *

With a sharp gasp, Ren sat up in bed, looking wildly about him. There was no one there, and nothing except the empty space of his room. His heart was racing. Clutching the black tunic over his chest, he struggled to catch his breath. He’d frightened her out of the dream. Was it all real…? His head was swimming. The clock on the wall burned 3am. She was gone, but all he could think about was that maybe, just maybe, the Rey in his dreams was real - as real as his burning obsession with her. 

From that night going forward Kylo Ren fell asleep every evening at the same time, just to visit her. He searched the rain for her, and the hills, and the stone cottage - but she was nowhere to be found. Still, he refused to give up. He’d awaken in the morning cold and filled with regret, but at night, he still closed his eyes yearning to see her. Stoking the fire in the cottage, cold and quiet; peering out into the rain all night; lying in the golden grass with his hands behind his head, staring up at the stone on the hill; he waited. For a few nights he had been absent from her dreams. It was likely that she, too, was avoiding sleep in order to avoid him as well. 

Ren ached for her. A week had already passed. It was possible she was sleeping during the day and training at night, to avoid crossing dreams with him - and he couldn’t blame her. It was a terrifying connection that held them together. The weight of it tugged at their hearts every second of the day and night, although it seemed to be much heavier alone in the dark. Of course, having a connection with him couldn’t be pleasant. He was so volatile by nature.

Ren woke himself up later that night and stayed awake planning what he would say to her the next time they met through sleep. He couldn’t risk writing it down for fear of being caught communing with her, but he paced the room in bare feet, repeating it over and over in his head until he had it memorized. The cold floor went unnoticed. He barely breathed, barely stopped his incessant pacing, until the light of the day lifted the lights in his room. Slapping them back down, he fell into bed and shut his eyes against the pounding of his heart.

After an hour of agitated silence Ren gave up. He couldn’t fall asleep like this. He threw off the covers and pulled on his boots, stalking out into the hallway, furious with himself for ever scaring her off in the first place.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

It only took two days of staying up all night for Ren to finally fall asleep during the day. He had his words memorized, his hair combed, and determination burning deep within him. When he closed his eyes at the crack of dawn, sleep found him. His heart swelled. At last, he would see her again. This time, in the dark, he felt not fear, but anticipation. 

* * *

The wind whipped at him. Ren lifted his hand to block sand from getting in his eyes as harsh sunlight burned down on him. This wasn’t their normal meeting place. Where was she? Turning around, he found himself standing in the middle of a desert at the base of a crashed Death Star. Wait. He studied it. No, this was just a prototype. What was it doing here, on Jakku?

Rey must be inside this massive wreckage. Approaching it, Ren touched the hot metal with his fingertips. It felt so familiar. Yes, she was here. Climbing proved to be more difficult than he’d imagined despite his powerful limbs and knowledge of Death Star schematics - somehow, he knew he could thank her for that - but soon he was inside, shielded from the sandstorm by the metal husk of his grandfather’s past. He ruffled sand out of his hair. So much for looking decent. 

“Ren?” 

Looking up, Ren’s heart soared at the sight of Rey sitting cradled in a rounded bulkhead. He lifted his hand to her. “I thought I would find you in here.”

Sliding down the rafters, Rey began her decent. She leapt when she was still quite a way off the ground and landed in front of him in a spray of sand. “What are you doing?” She demanded. “I came here to get away from you and your mind games!”

“I know that. But...” Ren watched her face, absorbing every expression that crossed it. “I’m sorry.”

Rey looked shocked. “What?”

Sighing, he held out his arms sheepishly. “I’m sorry, Rey. I didn’t mean to frighten you before. You’re the only one who…” He cleared his throat. “Calls me that.”

“No,” Rey said softly. “Your mother does, too.”

Ren shook his head. “Not to my face. Not in years.” She was staring at him now and he was beginning to lose his nerve. “I came to tell you something.”

“What?” Rey asked suspiciously. 

“I’m not so sure you want to hear it.”

“Try me.”

Ren leaned back against the bulkhead, pressing his hands against it. So this was what it felt like to her. Touching the past. “I want to see you. In person.”

Crossing her arms, Rey eyed him. “What purpose could that serve, besides me being captured?”

“I don’t want that, Rey. I want  _ you _ .”

“You’re lying.”

“I’ve never-”

“I’m sick of these games!” Rey snapped. “Why are you doing this, Ben?! When the time comes, we will fight. But you’re not ready, and neither am I. So why play with my head? What will you gain by all this? Is distracting me so important?”

“Listen,” Ren said calmly. “I know what you must think of me - and you’re right. Most of the time,” he added. “But not this time, Rey, I swear it.” He stepped up to her and held out his hands, holding her still in his intent gaze. “Take them. Like you did before.”

She stiffened. “Why?”

“Please,” he said.

Rey stared at him incredulously.

“I didn’t believe you,” he explained. “When you said that this wasn’t a dream. That you were real. Do you remember what I said? What I did?”

“Yes,” she whispered. He could see it in her eyes as she recalled it; his touch on her face, his hot grip on her arms.

Ren nodded. “I meant it, Rey, when I said that I want nothing from you.” He opened his hands. “Please. Do this for me.”

Staring between him and his hands, slowly, shakily, Rey reached out. Her fingertips touched his. He sucked in a sharp breath, making her flinch. He muttered an apology, feeling her eyes burning into him. “What’s wrong?” She whispered, touching his hands. He closed his fingers around hers, squeezing them gently. “Ben?”

“Rey,” Ren said, meeting her eyes and stepping closer still, putting her hands over his heart. “Can you feel it?” The look on her face melted into surprise. Ren watched her carefully. His heart was racing, and he knew that she could feel it. 

“What is this?” Rey whispered. 

“This is how I feel just being near you in a dream.”

“What do you mean…?”

“You know,” Ren said. He dropped his hands, letting her feel his chest of her own volition. She stared at the place where her palm covered his heart and he stared at her. “You’ve always known.”

Their eyes met, and realization dawned on her face. Ren had never felt so vulnerable. He resisted the urge to draw away from her into the shadows - to disappear from her. It would protect him from everything that was to come. Having her see through him as though he were made of paper thrilled and terrified Ren. But instead he stood frozen, blanched, watching the cogs turn carefully behind her eyes, and he did nothing. His life was in her hands.

“Ben...” Rey blinked. “You’d look good in white.” Ren blushed. A smile touched Rey’s lips as she let her hands fall away. “Okay. I’ll meet you.”

Relief washed over Ren. “Where?”

“Chandrila. Three days. Bring your saber,” Rey said. “And Ben?”

“Yes?”

Her smile was like sunlight. “I can’t wait to see you.”

* * *

Ren blinked, feeling dizzy, and saw that he was once again alone in his quarters. His heart was fluttering like a bird. It was done. He had three days to prepare. He stared at the wall across from his cot, motionless, so that he could carefully remember her words. Their light could guide him for the rest of his life. 

\---

“I located the wayfinder,” Ren said to his council that afternoon. “When I return, we will begin the next phase of the First Order - galactic submission.”

Glaring daggers into him, General Hux leaned forward. “When should we expect you back, Supreme Leader?”

Ren met his look with apathy. “Six days.”

“Well. Alright then,” Hux said. 

The rest of the council nodded in agreement, and Ren sensed no suspicion in them. He touched each one with his eyes. “Be ready for when I return.” His cape fluttered in the doorway as he marched out of the room towards his ship. Today, his feelings were adequately masked. There was no one standing between him and his plans. His men had already prepared his ship, and when he arrived, he slid a black case underneath the pilots seat and sat down, taking a deep breath.  _ Here goes... everything, _ he thought to himself. 

As his ship broke out of the shield of the Star Destroyer the sun glinted off of its face, leaving an angular flash burned into his eyes. 

“Yes,” he said aloud, disconnecting his tracker and communications system. “It’s about time.”

Warp speed swallowed his ship in an instant.

  
\---

Chandrila was a deciduous planet with lush forests, low mountains, and beautiful oceans that covered about 50% of the planet. Life there was calm and peaceful. People went about their lives with minimal First Order interference since it was on the edge of the galaxy, far, far from the rebellion and even the empire. It had no important mineral deposits. There were only two moons, both of which being spaceports known for their adequate ship repair teams. There were no outstanding warrants for big-time criminals from Chandrila. No inclement weather - well, not much, anyway - and very strict political laws had made governmental bodies run rather smoothly for a few centuries now.

Standing on an eastern beach, his boots deep in the white sand, Kylo Ren could find nothing remarkable or interesting about Chandrila. Even the historical records of it went as follows: one hundred-year war, three civil uprisings, and then three hundred years of peace among the continental islands. The construction of the great bridges connecting every continent took up about a quarter of their history. 

Ren glanced down the beach, the wind whipping his hair. It had been a short journey for him. Forty-eight hours had him landing comfortably on the coast away from major areas of population. Unfortunately, he was a day early, and a dollar short - there was nothing in the way of shelter that he could see. Touching his hip to confirm that his saber was still attached to his belt helped him piece together his next move. 

He set out towards the trees in search of shelter. Before he broke the tree line, he paused on the beach and turned around, memorizing this patch of beach. Unfortunately it all looked fairly similar. Sighing, he wondered how much time exactly he had before she got there, and plunged into the trees. 

* * *

“Leia!” Rey called, scrambling to where the general sat, studying the readout screens under an artificial canopy. Her hair was a mess and she was clutching her saber like a trophy. 

Leia blinked at her. “Rey? What is it?”

Panting, Rey slammed her hands down on the table between them, grinning from ear to ear. “It’s Ben,” she gasped. “He’s coming home!”

“What?” Leia stood up, staring at her. “What do you mean? What happened?”

“I was having dreams about Kylo Ren,” Rey explained. “I thought they were just dreams, but then he reached out across the force and touched me - really touched me! And I-”

Leia held up a hand. “Wait, how do you know he really reached across the force?”

Rey forced herself to calm down. “My hair. It was all over my face, even in the dream. Ren pushed it out of my face. And when I woke up, it was still like that.”

“...You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

Leia stared at her. “Get the others.”

  
\---

Poe, Finn, and Chewy stood in front of Rey, confused and concerned. Usually when Rey bounded into their ship like a jackalope something was insanely wrong. She’d only given them the faintest glimpse into her story - that, she knew, was enough to get them interested. They gathered together beneath the canopy.

Chewy said something, and Poe, arms crossed, chuckled. “Yeah, any dream with Ren is it has got to be a nightmare.” Leia gave him a stink eye, and Poe flushed. 

Finn was the only one on the edge of his seat. “So you met Ren in a dream. Then what happened, Rey?”

“Well,” Rey began to pace the tent. “He thought it was a dream, too, so he was saying and doing things he’d never done before - he said he was afraid of our connection, like I am, and that he wanted to see me, which he’d never said before - and I couldn’t figure out why, you know? He kept seeking me out. But it went on for a few nights and suddenly he wanted it to stop - seeing me in his dreams, I mean. So I started training during the night and sleeping during the day to give both of us some peace. And for like a week, everything was fine. But then…”

Leia was enraptured. “Then what?”

“Then… he sought me out during the day.” Rey sank onto a tree stump. “I was dreaming about the wreckage on Jakku.”

Coming around the table, Leia sat beside Rey, taking her hands. “Rey. Tell me why you think my son is coming home.”

Rey looked at her, finally breaking out of her trance. “Right.” She glanced at the others. “He took my hands, and he…”

“He what?” Poe asked suspiciously. Finn was anxiously silent.

Looking up at them, Rey flushed. “He put my hands over his heart, and I could feel him as if he were right in front of me. He was warm, and solid, and his heart was racing!” She shook her head. “Then he looked at me with the eyes of a drowning man, and he said, ‘You’ve always known.’”

“Known what?” Leia whispered.

Rey met her eyes. “That I was the only one who could bring him back.”

Everyone went silent. They exchanged wary looks. Walking over, Finn eased himself to sit beside her on the tree stump. “But... why, Rey?” He asked quietly.

But Rey couldn’t answer him. She looked at her friends, her master, and her hands, wondering why she couldn’t say what Ren had said, in not so many words. In her mind, she could feel his heart speaking to her, even now. She pictured him in white robes, his hair all around his face, his hands bare and his arms open, as vulnerable as a child, and his lips began to move. _ I love you _ , he said, and his voice was as soft and warm as a desert dune at twilight. _ I love you, too, _ she thought.  _ And I will bring you home. _

“Rey…” Leia’s voice was thick with emotion. “You have to go to him.”

Nodding, Rey wiped her nose. “I’ll leave as soon as possible. I’ll take the Falcon by myself to Chandrila - I’m to meet him there in three days.”

“No, you can’t go alone,” Poe protested. “Absolutely not.”

“He’ll sense you if you come - I have to go alone,” Rey said. 

Finn shook his head. “He’s the supreme leader of the empire, Rey! We can’t just let you-”

“No one is letting me do anything.” Rey leveled them with her eyes. “I’m going. By myself.” She turned to Leia. “I will bring back your son, Leia, I swear it.”

Leia held up her hand when Poe tried to butt in. “No. She’s right. If there’s any chance of bringing Ben back, it has to be on  _ his _ terms. Rey,” she took the young woman’s hands. “Do not put his well-being over your own. Not ever. If he makes one wrong move, you leave him there on Chandrila, and you don’t look back. Do you understand?”

Rey nodded, tears in her eyes. “I do.”

“Good.” Leia looked at Chewy. “Prepare the Falcon.”

* * *

Already on Chandrila, Ren sat on a fallen tree on the edge of the beach, watching the sun set. He knew neither of them would sleep tonight. Still, he wished he could see her just one more time in his dreams, if only to remember the feeling of her being a mystery. The force helped them to read each other every time they met. For once, it had been nice not to know her every intent. It had been nice to meet as just people. 

Looking down at the saber in his hands reminded him of the trial to come. He wondered what, exactly, could change his darkness to light?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is about a page shorter because I found a great stopping point! More Rey's perspective to come! Let me know how it handles in practice. :)


	3. Chapter 3

For three days, Rey neither slept nor ate. She kept playing her last conversation with Ren on repeat in her head, trying to dissect his language as if it would lead her somewhere. Unfortunately, the truth of Ren’s words might be something she didn’t want to hear. Still, she had to try saving him. He could turn the tide. Snoke himself had tricked them both in a similar way before, and Ren was powerful, and good at manipulation - so he couldn’t be trusted. Not yet. 

She frowned as she replayed her past dreams again. The rain of Luke’s island. A sunny valley. The stone hut. Her hands tightened over the Millennium Falcon’s controls. These places meant something to her, but what did they mean to him? His father’s ship, the hut where they had their first connection - but the valley? Actually, it could have been his valley. Rey had never seen such a place before; not in all her life on Jakku, and not in her travels. Maybe it was one of his memories. Or maybe her subconscious had just created it to cope with her long years of sand dunes and dirt. Where had Ben grown up? What were his secret places?

In the end, she could find nothing - from the boyish look on his face, to the high color in his cheeks - that indicated a lie. Only his outburst stuck out in her mind.  _ “Don’t call me that!” _ He’d snapped, seemingly on a hairpin trigger. He had looked like a monster in the stark light of the fire. 

She shivered. Such anger. How could he ever join them, filled with such rage and fear? Rey paused. And weariness. He was tired, that she could tell that much from his body language. Ren had wanted so badly to be left alone in his sorrow and his anger. Maybe misery was his only companionship. Maybe it had been for a long time. 

* * *

On day three, Rey spotted Chandrila on her screens. She tore through a dried piece of meat as it grew closer on her viewscreen; having her blood sugar low while making a landing was a rookie move. Chewing and narrowing her eyes, Rey dropped out of warp. She followed the signal of his ship - and the tug of their connection - across the Chandrilan skies.

\---

Ren felt her drop out of warp. He stepped out of his temporary shelter, made of giant palm leaves and fibers, to watch his father’s ship descend from the heavens. Sand and hot air blasted him as she made a smooth landing halfway down the beach from his ship. Holding up his arm, he waited until she had cut the engines to begin his approach. He stood a safe distance away from the Falcon as the exit ramp descended - not for himself, but for her. 

His dark eyes watched Rey march down to meet him. He felt her force stronger than ever now, her emotions clumsily masked and her determination almost burning the air around her. His heart was beating hard against his ribcage. 

“Rey,” he said, once she was about ten meters away. The sound of crashing waves almost drowned him out. “You came.”

“So did you.” Rey stopped walking. “Did you bring it?”

“Of course.”

“Show me.”

Ren unlatched his lightsaber from his belt and activated it. With a harsh buzz, it filled the area before him with incandescent red light in the shape of an inverse cross. He showed it to her. Then, deactivating it, he tossed it into the sand between them. The look on her face was priceless. “You need it, don’t you? For the trial?”

Rey used the force to fling his saber into her hand. “Yes.”

“Shall we begin?” He said.

“Immediately,” Rey replied, and began to approach him. 

He leaned back uneasily. When she was close enough, he could see the deep chocolate pools of her eyes and blotches of color in her cheeks from the adrenaline racing through her veins. What would she do, he wondered? Strike him? Bury him in the sand? He almost smiled at the thought. 

She stuck out her hands and he glanced at them. Each hand held a lightsaber; his, and hers. He looked at her. “What is this?”

“Destroy it.” Rey motioned for him to take them. 

Ren studied her eyes. She didn’t trust him. That was okay; it was growing more difficult to trust himself these days. He bobbed his head in acknowledgement, and their fingers brushed as he accepted both sabers. He glanced up at her. “Stand back,” he said. She obeyed. 

Turning, he flung his saber into the air, and activated her blue saber; in one swift motion, he sliced his saber in half, sending the burning pieces flying. He paused where he’d stopped his slash. Slowly, he straightened up, deactivating her saber. He clung to it as the halves of his saber sizzled in the sand. He had never felt so satisfied. 

When he turned back to her, she had light dazzling in her eyes. He tossed her saber back to her. “Thank you for that.”

Rey shook her head, smiling. “That was all you, Ben.”

He shifted his boots in the sand. “Is that all?”

“That was just a test. Now, we talk.” Rey spotted his shelter and quirked an eyebrow. “It’s getting dark. Fancy a fire?”

* * *

Ren stacked the last of the firewood in the corner of the shelter, on his side. The fire he had stoked for Rey sat just inside the shelter so that the smoke would go out the door. He glanced over at her. She sat rigidly, her hands clenched on her knees. She must be cold. Grabbing his unused cape from where he’d folded it in the sand, he offered it to her across the shelter. She eyed him for just a second before sheepishly accepting. He sat across from her on half of a fallen log, watching her wrap it around her pale shoulders, and his look softened. She was so small that it swallowed her. 

“You look good in black,” he said.

Rey chuckled, watching him. “Shut up.”

Ren tried not to blush. “So, where do we begin?”

“At the beginning. Where were you born, Ben?”

Ren’s eyes flickered. “Don’t you know?”

Rey blinked. “No. I don’t.”

“Ah.” Ren smirked, covering it with his hand. “That explains your ease. Did you tell my mother where you were going?”

“No,” Rey answered truthfully. “Why?”

Ren’s eyes were playful. “Because I was born here. On Chandrila.”

Staring at him, Rey’s lips parted in shock. “What?”

Nodding, he pointed over her shoulder. “In Hanna City. About a week away from here on foot.”

“And by ship?”

“About an hour.”

“Oh,” Rey whispered. 

“...I thought that was why you chose this planet.”

“No - but that’s why you chose this beach.”

Ren nodded. “It’s been about twenty years since I was last here.”

Rey leaned forward, mouth agape. “So you  _ have _ been here before! When?”

“When I was six,” Ren said. “We started to come here every year, to escape life in the city. The last time I was here… I was nine.”

“And when you turned ten?”

“Luke took me away for training,” he replied. “That was the Jedi way.”

Rey looked confused. “What about your parents?”

“They were too busy to raise me. It was a relief when Luke offered to begin my Jedi training.” Leaning back, Ren shrugged. “My mother knew that I needed guidance in the force, but you already know how that turned out.”

“Your parents were too busy for you?” Rey studied his face. “I’m sorry.”

Ren looked mildly confused. “It wasn’t your fault. They were important people. They made their choices long ago.” 

Silence fell. Ren sensed intense sadness and pity from her. Disdain flickered across his face before he got it under control; she’d had no one. How could she understand? She looked away from him into the fire, with her lips parted. He could feel the words hanging on the tip of her tongue. Being in her presence quietly like this was a thrill - he could feel her every move before she made it.

“Rey,” Ren said at last. “My whole life has led up to this. All of it. The training, the betrayal, the war - I’ve been changing into a sith lord ever since I was born.” He leaned forward, elbows on his knees. Her eyes were swimming with feelings but there were too many to discern which was the most dominant. “What is it about you that makes me want to change?” He whispered. “I’ve been forged in the fires of the dark side. You’re just a girl from Jakku.”

“Ben,” Rey replied. “You’ve been manipulated all your life. Isolated from your parents, estranged from your master - all by Snoke’s doing! I may not know where you were born, or what you went through as a child, but I’m a scavenger. I know twisted metal when I see it.” She motioned to the fire. “You’ve been melted into jagged shapes by evil forces who mean only to manipulate you in their favor!”

“You didn’t even know my birth planet,” Ren snapped. “You could never comprehend how Kylo Ren came into being!”

Rey didn’t even flinch at his anger. “Yes. I can.” She held out her hand to him, using the other to clutch his cape around her shoulders. “Because I can see you, Ben. You’re right here with me. You reached out to me, across the galaxy. You opened the door to the light. That means that you  _ know _ that what was done to you was unfair,” Rey continued adamantly. “You want to change because you  _ know _ that I’m not here to twist you up again, Ben - I’m here to  _ untwist _ you!”

Ren stared at her hand, motionless. Twisted metal? Him? His eyes flickered. Maybe. He felt jagged most days. All this time he had been using his conflicted soul, torn between the darkness and the light, to fuel his power. Snoke had taught him how. But power had brought him nothing but destruction and misery. He was tired of being miserable. Sadly enough, the only connection he ever had was with Snoke, and he’d killed Snoke because he was tired of being manipulated… shaped… by him.

Looking up at Rey evaporated his darkest doubt; that she, too, might be manipulating him. Waves of acceptance and understanding flowed off her. It was beautiful.  _ She _ was beautiful. His heart was misshapen, yes, and that made it difficult for him to feel much of anything. But for her, he could feel again. 

Ren uncurled his fist. Holding out his bare hand, he carefully slid his hand towards hers without touching it. Electricity buzzed between them. Carefully, gingerly, he touched her fingertips, and the force of their bond connected. He looked up at her, and she at him, and it was done. 

Rey smiled. “It won’t be easy. Untwisting.”

“I know.” Ren swallowed. “But I want to try.”

* * *

That night, Rey slept on the Falcon, out cold. She didn’t remember dreaming but she must have - why else could she feel the pressure of Ben’s hand in her own when she woke? The night left in a snap. Light filled the cabin, and Rey blinked groggily at the ceiling. An alarm went off in her head. She sat up in a flash, looking around the cabin. He was here, wasn’t he? Her adrenaline spiked. She could… smell him? Wait. Rey glanced down at the black cape she’d used as a blanket last night. Oh. She flushed. Right.

She pushed off the cape and rubbed her face. Surprisingly, she felt great. It could be the first good sleep she’d had in a week, or it could be the new small, flickering source of light in the force where darkness used to reside. Hope filled her heart. Either way, no feat of change was too small to appreciate. 

Rey washed her face and her hair, which had begun to turn into a ball of grease during transport the last few days. She combed it out, bound it back into three buns, and gently pulled the remaining strands to lay in front of her ears. Sometimes she wondered what she would have been like if she’d had a mother to teach her how to fix her hair. As she changed clothes, she sighed. It was no use worrying about that now. She’d grown up. If she wanted to bun her hair like this for the rest of her life, it was no one’s business but hers. 

As she was binding her shoes back on, she noticed a paper-bound parcel on the chess table. Rey stood up and eyed it. She must have not noticed it in her rush to get here, but who was it from? Only Chewy had boarded the ship before she left. She turned it over in her hands. Somehow, she felt that it wasn’t for her. Tucking it under her arm, Rey pressed the ramp release, and listened to the sound of steam as it lowered onto the beach.

The morning was still and quiet, broken only by the gentle crash of the waves. They were much closer than they had been last night. The tides must be on a twelve hour rotation on this planet. Rey crossed the beach to Ben’s shelter, hesitating to disturb him, but when she reached the entrance she could see that the logs of the fire had already been neatly replaced. Inside, Ben was sitting with his elbows on his knees watching her, as though he hadn’t moved a hair since the night before. In those black robes he looked like a dark smudge.

“Have you eaten?” Ben asked.

“No,” Rey said.

“Good.” He rose, and Rey stepped back as he walked passed her. “Follow me.”

Rey gulped as he plunged into the trees. Clutching the parcel, she followed close behind, crunching leaves and sticks as she stepped into the treeline. Sunlight filtered through the canopy. Rey watched it dapple across Ben’s broad shoulders as they walked. What would he have been like, she wondered, if he’d received more love in his life? Maybe she would find out sooner than she thought. “Are we close?” She asked curiously. 

“Yes.” Ben didn’t turn around.

Rey made a face. Very descriptive, wasn’t he? She noticed them approaching an opening in the trees, and watched Ben step into the center of the clearing and turn back to wait for her. She tentatively stepped out from beneath the canopy. In the clearing, there were a handful of bushes covered with red berries almost as big as her fist. Ben picked one and tossed it to her. Rey caught it expertly with her free hand and found that it was surprisingly light for its size. She examined it closely. It was soft and smooth, and covered in microscopic hairs. 

Choosing one for himself, Ben turned it over in his hands. “They’re tart.” 

“Are they?” Rey said absently.

Passing by her again, Ben headed back to the beach, fruit in hand. Rey eyed the bushes. She plucked two more and tucked them into her loose pocket. 

Once they were back at the beach Rey came to stand beside Ben, who was gazing out at the ocean as he ate. She bit into her own fruit. It was mostly water, but the flesh was indeed quite tart, pricking her taste buds. She finished it in a flash and pulled out a second to dig into. “Ben,” she said, mouth full of fruit, “The green valley from the dream - where is it from?”

Ben swallowed and tossed the center seed of the fruit into the surf. “It’s nothing.”

“Come on. It’s not from Jakku, obviously, so how could I know?”

He didn’t reply. Rey studied him. He didn’t look tired anymore; his eyes were bright; still, there was a stillness about him that she had always admired. He was in absolute control of his feelings right now. Finally, he sighed. “It’s the field where I did my Jedi training. Not far from there is where the… where the temple burned to the ground. With most of the other students inside.”

Rey swallowed her last bite of fruit, hard. “I’m so sorry.”

“It was my fault.” Ben squinted into the morning light. “After Luke tried to kill me, my emotions got out of control. I summoned a storm over the temple and it was struck down by lightning.” He glanced absently at her shocked face. “You were still a young child at the time.”

“When Luke went into exile,” Rey whispered. 

“Yes.”

She touched his arm. “Your master, your own uncle, made a mistake that cost him everything. It cost him you.”

Ben stiffened. “...Yes.” 

“Ben.” Rey offered him the parcel. 

He took it, crinkling the paper with his fingers. “What is this?”

“A gift. From your mother.”

“My…?” Ben looked at her. He untied the string binding the parcel, and she was surprised to see that he didn’t rip the paper at all, but gently unfolded it, as though it was just as precious as its contents. Inside lay a neatly folded tan robe with a brown sash. On top, a piece of paper read, ‘To my son.’ He picked up the note to study it. 

Smiling, Rey motioned to the Falcon. “You’re welcome to change there.”

“No,” Ben muttered. “I refuse to go near that ship.”

Rey blinked. “Then where-?” Ben turned back to the trees, walking away, and Rey turned red. “But…!” She whirled back to the sea, arms stiff at her sides. Man, he was stubborn! Carefully she sat down in the sand, facing the water, and let the sea breeze cool her hot face.  _ Men _ , she thought wearily. It didn’t take him long to return. When he did, he put his old things into the shelter and came to sit with her, still uneasy in his new clothes. Rey admired this new look. Finally, you could see the color in his cheeks. The pale earth tones hugged him, the cloth soft and durable, and the brown sash around his waist was a good contrast. “Much better,” she said gently. 

When he looked at her, his eyes were still guarded. “I feel like rebel scum.”

Rey laughed at him, covering her mouth with her hand, and she could tell that it both annoyed and endeared him. “That’s a discussion for another day,” she managed. “Hey, did you dream last night?”

Ben looked at her. “Why?”

“Well, I can’t remember if I did.”

He cleared his throat. “I’d rather not say.”

“Ben,” Rey pressed. “You can tell me. I was probably there.”

“You were.”

Narrowing her eyes at him, Rey stared holes into the side of his head, but he wasn’t looking at her. “Tell me.”

“No.”

“Ben.”

“...”

“Ben,” Rey threatened.

Grumbling, Ben glanced at her. “Fine. We were… just… sitting here.”

“Right here?”

“Yes.”

“And?” Rey pressed. “Were we… talking?”

“No, nothing like that,” Ben said. He awkwardly held out his hand, and Rey stared at it. The underlying tension between them became palpable. She’d avoided thinking about her vision of him in white since her arrival. Now that she could see it clearly, she didn’t know whether to fight the feelings that it gave her or give into them. She chose a middle ground. Quickly wiping her hand on her thigh, she placed it in his own, and he twined their fingers together. The pressure of his touch was so familiar. It sent waves of feeling through her entire body, and she looked at him in a new light. The tips of his ears were red.

“Just this,” he muttered. 

“All night?”

“All night.”

Rey could feel the force of their bond sending electricity between them. All of this was an invigorating feeling; so, she decided to enjoy it. A smile found her. And in the quiet of the morning, she could feel their future stretching out before them, brilliant and warm like a bridge of light.


	4. Chapter 4

“Are you ready?” Rey asked.

Ben Solo rose from the sand. He’d been burying his things where no one would ever find them again. He turned to Rey and nodded, hoping that she couldn’t feel the immense fear in his heart. Her eyes showed only affection. They walked side by side to the Millennium Falcon, the sunset burning the sky over the sea red, and at the base of the ramp Ben looked up forlornly at his father’s ship. This was all that he had left of the man who had tried to raise him - tried to love him, despite their differences - a man that he had killed in cold blood. 

Waiting, Rey stood with him. His desire to flee must have touched her; she grasped his hand tightly in her own, and the complicated maze he’d constructed to protect him from his past seemed a lot less intimidating. 

Ben took the first step. After that, everything seemed to breeze passed him. The ramp closed. He watched the beach disappear. Then, he walked the halls of the ship like a zombie, seeing his father everywhere he looked. The co-pilot seat of the Falcon had a great view of the ocean so he stared out the window, mesmerized by memories of his childhood, as Rey prepped the ship for departure. Emotions he’d long neglected overwhelmed him. Silent, frozen like a statue, he let tears of frustration, fear, and regret stream down his cheeks. 

Rey gave him the courtesy of silence. She gripped the controls as they watched the sun dip over the horizon. When the last of the light had gone from the sky, Rey lifted the ship off the sand and began an ascent into the atmosphere. Ben spotted his birthplace on the horizon just as Rey charged up the warp drive. 

“Do you miss it?” She asked him.

His voice was thick with tears. “...Yes.”

“You _ will _ see it again.” Rey flipped a few switches. “You’ll be able to return home as a new man someday. Maybe you can pick up where you left off.”

Ben gave a cruel chuckle. “When I was nine?”

Rey smiled at him. “It’s never too late,” she said. “You’re living proof of that.” And she punched them into warp.

* * *

For the first few hours of the trip to the rebel base, Ben said nothing. He had left the cockpit to roam the ship shortly after warp. Running his hands over the bulkhead, touching the chess board - it was all so morbidly cathartic. He’d been so afraid of losing Han to his own cruelty. It was good to know that some memories were still there. Smuggling. Saving his mother. He rubbed his face as he sank onto a cargo bin. His mother. What would she say to him? He hoped desperately that she would hit him. Then, at least, his pain could be physical. 

He crawled down into the gunner, his long legs making it difficult to sit in such a cramped space, and watched the warp stream. In an hour, his ship would explode back on Chandrila. He’d set a self-destruction device in a black case that was irreversible - just in case he tried to change his mind. Good thing, too. He had almost turned back.

“Ben?” Rey’s voice came out of the gunner headset. 

Curiously, Ben picked it up. “I’m here.”

“Come back to the cockpit. We need to talk.”

“Right.” He crawled up out of the gunner. When he got to the cockpit, Rey was waiting for him. He took a seat in the co-pilot’s chair and faced her. Seeing such a small, mousy girl controlling a spaceship was terrifying if Ben was completely honest, but the strength in her hands gave him a little comfort. “What is it, Rey?”

“Do you know where the rebel base is?”

“No.”

“Okay, good.” Rey sighed. “I’m not going to tell you where we’re going. That way, it’ll be easier to convince everyone that you’re not there to blow us up.” She eyed him. “I’m probably going to have to be your armed escort for a while.”

“Understandable.”

She made a face. “I was joking.”

“Oh.” Ben turned to the viewscreen. “Sorry. I’m a little out-of-it.” 

“I get it.” She put the ship on auto-pilot and crossed her legs in the chair. “Your mother will be the one to decide what happens once we get there.”

“You mean… she hasn’t decided?”

“Ben, we didn’t think we’d ever get this far,” Rey pointed out. “But that doesn’t mean that you won’t get a say.”

“I don’t deserve one.”

“Yes, you do.”

Ben looked at the colored buttons on the dashboard. “If you say so.” He paused, looking sideways at her. “Hey, you know that I’m too old for you, right?”

Rey turned red. “You  _ must _ be joking.” 

He quirked an eyebrow at her. “Am I?”

Rey looked at him like he was crazy. “Shut up! You know damn well you started all this.”

“Hm,” Ben hummed. “I don’t remember that being the case.”

“Well, I do! You came blowing up Jakku for BB8! I was minding my own business!”

“Wait, you thought _ that _ was supposed to be romantic? Rey... no.”

“Oh no - but the romance was  _ all _ you!” Rey cried. “I was so mad - but you were just flirting with me the entire time! You didn’t even take me seriously!”

He nodded. “Okay, well that’s only partially true,” he admitted. “I took you very seriously.”

“You’re such a dog, Ben,” Rey muttered. 

“Is that why you like me so much?”

“I don’t like you very much at all right now.” 

Ben cracked a smile. “No, I know why you like me.”

“I really don’t.”

“Because we both have daddy issues.”

“BEN SOLO!”

* * *

At the end of their journey, Rey landed the Falcon at the jungle base and stormed down the ramp as soon as it descended. “Leia!” She called. “Come get your son!”

That turned every head in the camp. Everyone watched Rey stomp her way to Leia’s canopy, where the general was waiting for her. “Rey!” Leia searched her face. “Ben. You did it!”

“Oh, I did it, alright,” Rey said sourly. “He hasn’t stopped badgering me since we made liftoff!”

Leia made a noise of unease. “He really must like you, Rey. That’s probably the most he’s spoken in thirty years.”

When they returned to the ramp, every soul at the base was crowded around it, staring up into the ship in anticipation. Leia parted the crowd and stepped up to the base of the ramp. 

Rey, arms crossed, posed alongside her. “Ben,” she called. “Your mother is ready to see you.”

A gasp rippled through the crowd as the figure of Kylo Ren appeared at the top of the ramp to the Millennium Falcon. He was tall and handsome and soft in his new robes, but his altered appearance fooled no one. He was as cool as a clam as he walked down, out of the ship, and stepped onto the soil in front of his mother. There was a good foot-and-a-half gap between them. Terror was radiating off of him in waves, but Rey could see none of it in his face as he knelt before his mother, lowering his head so that his dark hair hid his expression from her.

“General Organa,” he said. “I have come to offer myself to you, in order to receive the proper punishment for the repercussions of my actions. I do not seek forgiveness - nor will I ask for it, due to the gravity of my crimes against you and the alliance - but I offer only what I have to give. Myself, my knowledge, and my sincerest apologies.” He looked up at her. “I am here to turn the tides of the war in favor of the resistance. I will fight for you… if you’ll allow me to.”

A hush fell. All eyes were on Leia. The general looked down solemnly at her disgraced son. “I have only one question for you to answer before I give a response to your offer.”

“Anything, general.”

“What is your name?”

Ben’s terror grew. “My name is... Ben Solo.”

Dead silence. Nobody breathed, Rey included. 

Leia nodded. “Then I accept.” The crowd erupted into cheers and boos, chaotically bouncing off of one another as Leia motioned for Ben to rise. He was shaking. “Rey,” Leia turned to her. “Take him to my tent.”

“Yes, general,” Rey said obediently. She took Ben’s hand and walked him through the jostling crowd to the general’s massive tent, closing the flap behind them. She made him sit down on the cot. “That went well.”

“Did it?” Ben whispered. “I blacked out.”

“Are you alright?” Rey sat beside him.

“No,” he said. “Absolutely not.”

“Right. Stupid quesiton.” Rey rubbed his shoulder. “It’s alright now, Ben. I’ll get you some water.” She crossed the tent and poured him a cup from a clay pitcher on the table. He accepted it with trembling hands. “Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

Ben drank. “You’ve done too much already.”

Rey smiled. “Feel better?”

“Not even a little.”

“Well, at least you’re honest.” Rey got up as Leia walked into the tent. “General.”

“Rey,” Leia said affectionately. “You have done a great service to me, and to the force, by bringing my son back. But now I must speak to Ben alone.”

“Yes, general.” She bowed her head. “Let me know when you need me again.” 

With one last glance at Ben, she left, striding back towards the Falcon. She knew Leia would go easy on him. After all, he was in quite a state of limbo at the moment. On her way to the ship to gather her things Poe, Chewy, and Finn appeared, slack-jawed, to cut her off. 

“That was- did you just-” Poe stammered, rubbing his face anxiously. 

Chewy made a guttural noise of disbelief.

“You just brought  _ Kylo Ren _ to the base,” Finn interrupted. “THE Kylo Ren. Rey… how did you do that?”

“Love,” Rey said simply. 

Finn turned red. “What did you say?”

“Love.” Rey put her hands on her hips. “You know, the stuff that keeps us together. The rebellion. Friends. Hope - that stuff.”

Chewy made a noise. Poe nodded in agreement. “Rey, he said. “You’re amazing.”

“Thank you. Just don’t catch yourself calling him Ren anymore,” she said. “It’s Ben now.”

Finn glanced back at the tent. “How is he?”

“Nervous.” Rey grabbed their lapels and dragged them away from Leia’s tent. “Now come on! I’m starving!” As they sat down outside by the campfire, Rey thrust a slab of meat into the fire. Her mouth watered. Real food for the first time in six days. Chewy went off to check on the Falcon, and Poe went to grab her something to drink, so Finn looked around them suspiciously before leaning in close to her. 

“You and him aren’t… you didn’t…?” Finn cleared his throat.

Rey quirked her eyebrow at him. “Finn.”

“Right. I’m sorry.” He leaned back. “I’m just not keen on the guy, that’s all. He’s manipulative.”

“I know. I appreciate you worrying about me.” She stared at her skewer in the fire. “But whatever happens between Ben and I is between us. Okay?”

Finn grumbled. “Okay. Just… be careful, will you? I know how connected you guys are and everything. I just…”

“You don’t think he’s good enough.”

“Rey…”

“Finn, it’s okay,” Rey laughed. “He was evil a week ago.”

“Yeah,” Finn said. “And he’s tall, dark, and handsome, so I get it, too. I’m just saying - he’s done a lot of stuff. Maybe you shouldn’t, you know?”

Nodding, Rey looked at him. “I understand how you feel, Finn. I’ll make my own choices when the time is right.”

“Right.” Finn sighed. “Of course.”

\---

“Rey.” Leia came to Rey’s tent, holding the door open with one hand. 

Looking up from Luke’s notes, Rey stood up immediately. “How is he?”

Leia smiled. “Resting in my quarters. For now.” She came to sit beside Rey on her cot, touching her knee. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for him.”

“Of course,” Rey replied, noticing the playful look in Leia’s eyes. “What is this all about?”

“Ben. He likes you.”

“I noticed.”

Leia lifted an eyebrow. “What about you, Rey? Do you like him?”

Rey felt a cold hand close over her heart. “Yes.”

Smiling, Leia studied her young apprentice. “He’s kinda old, isn’t he?”

Biting her lip, Rey nodded. “Yeah, he pointed that out himself.”

“Okay, as long as you know what you’re getting into,” Leia laughed. “You’re both pretty lucky, honestly. Older men are less whiny - not by much, mind you - and younger girls…”

“General!” Rey laughed, covering her mouth with her hand. “Come on, am I so vapid?”

“Never.” Leia sighed. “I’m so proud of you, Rey. You’ve come so far in the short time I’ve known you. Whatever is going on with you and Ben, I just hope that it’s as beneficial to you as it is to the force. Already I feel lighter.”

Rey nodded, smiling. “I do, too.”

Leia took her hand. “Good.”

“General…” Rey paused. “What will happen to Ben?”

“I was hoping you’d ask.” Leia smiled at her. “How do you feel about roommates?”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Ben stood in the middle of Rey’s tent, shocked beyond belief. He stared at her. “You’re joking,” he choked.

“Nope.”

“You’re not really serious, are you?”

“I am.”

“My mother-”

“The general.”

Ben held up his hand. “My mother, the general, wants me to live with you? Me - a fully grown man - live with a young girl.” He made a turn. “Here?”

“Hey!” Rey protested. 

“And you said  _ yes?”  _ Ben cried. “I was the head of the First Order a week ago!”

“Technically, you’re still the head of the First Order,” Rey pointed out. 

Ben dropped his arms. “You’re insane. I can’t listen to this.” He turned to go, but Rey snatched his arm, holding him back.

“Wait! Ben,” Rey tried calmly. “You’ll have your own tent, they’ll just be attached. Total privacy.”

“That’s not…” Ben sighed hard. He looked down at her hand on his arm, then at her, conflicted feelings filling the space between them. “Rey. We can’t.”

Rey searched his eyes. “Why not?”

“I… you…” Ben sank onto a nearby chest. “Rey - you cannot convince me that this is a good idea. Ask anyone! I’m sure your pilot friend and the former storm trooper would say the same thing.” He stared at her in disbelief and motioned vaguely to himself. “Do you really want this?”

Rey tried not to laugh; she knew it wasn’t funny. “Well, when you put it like that…”

“Please don’t,” he said quietly. Clearly, he wasn’t used to being this powerless. She shouldn’t push him after the day he’d had.

“I’m sorry.” Rey went to stand before him. “Tell me the truth. Do you  _ want _ to stay with me?”

Ben’s emotions became more twisted. He couldn’t look at her. “...No.”

“Why?”

Ben swore, getting up and storming outside. Rey followed him. “It’s okay to say it,” Rey called to his back as he stalked into the trees. “You know how I feel about you! I told you that I would help you find your way back to the light - whatever it took. That includes being honest with yourself, and with me, about what’s really going on.”

This wasn’t helping. Despite her best effort Ben kept closing off parts of himself until he could calm down. Eventually, he felt nothing at all, and she could sense it. It made her feel cold. He suddenly stopped walking and Rey barely avoided colliding with his back. He’d come all the way here, and taken the biggest step - confronting his mother. She wanted to be with him every step he took into the light. The only way to get him to open up was to provoke him, she knew that, the only question was… did she really want to? 

“Ben,” Rey said softly. “I love you.”

That got him. Slowly, he turned to face her, tall and formidable, his emotions cracking. There was no love in his face. “You shouldn’t.”


	5. Chapter 5

That night, neither of them slept. Rey clung to her pillow with an aching heart and Ben sat outside, facing the forest. Rey knew she shouldn’t have pushed him. Still, what he said had been somewhat helpful, although she wasn’t sure how to fix it. She’d figured some things out. Despite his deepest feelings, Ben couldn’t let himself relax around her, let alone allow himself to love her. That much was clear. He did love her, she knew that, too - but what did that mean to him? He had never loved before, had he? She could relate to that. She’d never been in love, either. 

Rey sighed and flopped over onto her back. If only it were easier to express this frustration they both felt, this wouldn’t be happening. Slowly, she sat up, looking at Ben’s moonlit silhouette cast on the back of the tent. He was right there. So close to her, close enough to touch. Rey got up. Time to try again.

* * *

Ben heard the shuffle of Rey in the tent and knew she was awake. He wished that at least one of them could rest. The sounds of singing nocturnal creatures and rustling leaves filled his head as he stared longingly into the darkness, hands in his lap and elbows on his knees. He had hurt her. Of course he had. She knew his heart as well as he did, and he knew hers, but unfortunately that made communication all the more difficult. They knew each other, yes. But the walls around their hearts were very different; his were tall and black, a maze of traps, and hers… they were like walls around the ocean.

A twig snapped. Ben looked back to see Rey stepping out of the tent, weary but intent. He watched her approach cautiously. “You couldn’t sleep.”

“You either.” Rey crossed her arms. “Room for one more?” 

Ben said nothing. Still she sat beside him, too close. He looked back out into the trees and she followed his eyes. 

“What are you looking for?”

“Answers.” Ben laced his fingers together. “What are you looking for?”

“Answers,” Rey said. 

“I’m afraid I haven’t got any.”

“Me either.”

Ben nodded sheepishly. This was not going well. They sat in silence for a minute, appreciating the levity of the situation. _‘It isn’t going to be easy,’_ she’d said. _‘Untwisting.’_ Sometimes he wondered if everyone would be better off if he had just let himself die the night that Snoke threw him off a cliff. _‘Would you have saved me if I’d failed to catch myself?’_ He’d asked Snoke. _‘No,’_ his master had replied. _‘Skywalker may have, but I would not have interfered.’_ Ben felt a deep resentment for those words now. No, Luke would have saved him. Rey would have, too. He sighed. Maybe he was overthinking this. These people were good for him - he shouldn’t be fighting them tooth and nail - especially not Rey. 

Still… every time she showed him how she felt, his heart twisted up into knots. How could he stop fighting the desire to save her from himself? 

Shifting closer still, Rey pressed herself against him, and Ben could feel that she was cold. His heart was in knots again. She was touching him. Why was she touching him? He resisted the desire to push her away, deciding that would be the worst possible course of action. Instead lifted his arm and draped it around her to keep her warm. Every time he touched her he was surprised by how small she really was. She put her head on his shoulder, he pressed her chilled arm with a hot hand, and it was a perfect fit. 

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“I know. So am I.” 

Such a short reply. But in all its brevity, Ben felt forgiveness. 

* * *

As the sun rose Rey led him into the jungle, and Ben cursed every vine he tripped on and every mudhole that tried to swallow his boots. Rey tried not to laugh. He was probably short tempered from years of not doing any dirty work and a long night of no sleep, but Rey couldn’t have felt better. Feeling him beside her, feeling the weight of his arm, and breathing in his scent had given her life. And she’d found the quickest way to his heart - brief communication. 

She turned around to wait for him. “Hey.”

“What?” Ben grumbled, stumbling as he caught up. 

“It’s just over this ridge.”

He looked passed her instead of at her. He did that a lot. “Good.” 

Rey offered him her hand, and he shook his head.

“I’m fine.”

“Suit yourself.” Rey turned and showed him the easiest way over the ridge. There was a clearing here about fifty or sixty meters in diameter, speckled with wild flowers and mushroom circles. She tossed him Luke’s lightsaber. “Need a minute to recover?”

“No.” Ben stared down at the saber. “What is this?”

“Sparring.” Rey activated her saber, striking a pose. He followed her lead. The green lightsaber looked like it belonged to him - in those robes, he almost looked like Luke. 

“I’m ready when you are,” he said. 

Rey gave a curt nod. She sprinted towards him, bringing her blue lightsaber up in a diagonal slash. Ben parried it. He swung down on her hard but she pushed the blow aside, sliding her saber along his in a crackling of light and energy, and twisted his into the ground. She could see the brilliant light reflected in his hazel eyes.

Ben pushed her off with his body weight and stood back, staring at her. “What is the point of this, exactly?”

“To release tension.” Rey bent her knees and held the saber upright. “You’re too rigid, too controlled.”

“Too controlled?”

“It holds you back,” Rey explained. “In everyday life, it’s more than a hindrance. It’s an emotional handicap.” She leapt at him with a hard downswing and he dodged her, striking towards her shoulder. She caught it backwards with her saber. He threw her off again, thrusting towards her while she was off balance, but she deftly whacked his saber away. They faced off and began to circle one another, eyes locked. “You usually let your anger fuel you, and it has crippled you emotionally,” Rey continued. “What will you use now?”

Ben squinted at her. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“What would benefit you the most?”

He paused. “You sound like Luke.”

“Thank you.” Rey lowered her saber, and Ben followed suit. “What were you using just now?”

“... Frustration.”

“And how do you feel?”

Ben stood back stiffly. “Like I should have made better choices ten years ago.”

Rey’s eyebrow rose. “And that is…?”

Ben hesitated. “I suppose I feel… guilty.”

“Good.” Rey reactivated her saber. “Use that.”

* * *

As noon drew near Rey called off their sparring, and Ben handed Luke’s saber back to her. Forcing himself into a new pattern of fighting would take months, maybe years. He imagined that it would become easier to maintain over time. But with something like this, one could never be sure. It felt good to leave his anger off the battlefield for once.

They walked back in silence. Ben watched Rey’s boots tread lightly along the jungle floor, avoiding every mud trap, and he copied her movements to make the trip a little easier. He glanced at the back of her head. Yesterday, her confession had hit him at just the wrong moment. He knew that she had done this strategically in order to get the truth from him. That was an unfair game. His conflicted feelings were hard enough for _him_ to untangle.

Ben looked at the ground. Still… Jedi weren’t allowed to love, Sith had no need for love, and neither him nor Rey had ever been in a real relationship. Ben had been with women when he first joined the Knights of Ren, but sex was not love. He had been too cold to love. 

“Want a shower?” Rey asked without turning around. 

“With you? I’m not sure that would be appropriate.”

Rey whirled on him, scowling. “Ben Solo!”

Ben kept his face unreadable. “I like the way that you say my name,” he said gently.

“...Do you cope with your frustration by flirting with me?”

“Yes.”

“Great.” Rey rolled her eyes and marched off. “That explains the ride here well enough. Why can’t you flirt with me appropriately?”

Ben chuckled. “And what is your definition of appropriate flirting?”

Rey stopped, and he barely managed to avoid running into her. Oh, boy. He’d done it now. She faced him with hard eyes. “Implying inappropriate things is not appropriate flirting.”

Ben leaned back uneasily. “I’m not sure that you understand the definition of flirting.”

“Maybe not. But I don’t like yours,” she shot back. 

“Fair.” Ben tilted his head at her, his dark hair dappled with sunlight. “Then what _do_ you like, Rey?”

Rey took a thoughtful pause. “You already know,” she said, and Ben was shocked to hear her voice so soft and full of yearning. “Sitting in the starlight, holding hands. Holding each other in the night.” Then she hesitated. “...You.”

Just the loving look on her face sent Ben spiraling into a panic. _Well then,_ he thought. _What the hell do I do now?_ Adrenaline spiked his blood. He wanted nothing more than to touch her, to feel her heart against his own, and to give her everything that she wanted as a woman; if only he didn’t feel so goddamn dirty about it. It was his own fault for letting himself desire her this way. Desperation began to pull down his walls. He could see it doing the same thing to her, too. 

Rey drew closer to him, toe to toe with his muddy boots. “Don’t be afraid, Ben,” she teased. “I don’t bite.”

His eyes flickered. “It’s not you that I’m afraid of. You know that.”

Her hands lifted slowly to rest on his chest. One of them settled over his heart as she looked up into his face, her determination steely. Ben uncurled his fists. He brushed a damp lock of hair from her cheek with his thumb and, using uncanny delicacy, he slid his palm to the back of her neck and tilted her head back. 

“Rey… you’re so beautiful, and so full of life.” Ben studied her face as though he were trying to remember this moment forever. “...Are you sure?”

Rey’s lips curled into a smile. “Yes.” 

Ben had never felt this kind of love before; it filled his head, his heart, and infected the very air he breathed. So, he gave in. Ben bent to kiss her upturned face - and when their lips touched, electricity passed between them like lightning. His black hair brushed her cheek. Her mouth molded to his. The taste of her was even sweeter, even more tantalizing, than he could have ever imagined. _Just once,_ a voice in his head whispered. _Kiss her... but just once._ He blatantly ignored it.

They drew apart tentatively to breathe and gauged each other’s flushed expressions, only to assure themselves of their identical desires, before at once drawing back together, magnetized by passion. The second kiss was just as electric as the first, and twice as tender. Ben pulled Rey firmly against him by the waist. She threw her arms around his neck, tasting him as he tasted her, and his pounding heart filled his body with burning blood. He wanted her ravenously. Each new kiss brought his fever up another notch, and another, and another, until he could barely think straight. 

She breathed his air like she was reveling - _drowning_ \- in his kiss. Each exhale was hot against his face. He was drowning, too, but _oh,_ how he craved it. His fingers dug into her bound hair just to know what it would feel like and she did the same to his, her touch infinitely more moderate and more gentle. The way she slipped her fingers through his hair and cradled his head with the palm of her hand dripped acidic love over his heart, melting it like snow. He melted, too. It was paradise.

“Ben,” she breathed, and he drew back to let Rey draw fresh air into her lungs. Her chest heaved against him. He had definitely overdone it. But just as he went to release her from his iron grip, she pressed her face into his neck and clung to him, desperate not to let go.

Ben cradled her, pressing his cheek into her hair. “I’m so in love with you, Rey,” he panted. They stood together on the damp earth in a tight embrace. He lowered his lips to her ear. “How did you do this to me?”

She didn’t answer, but the hum of the jungle and the sound of two lovers catching their breath filled the space around them with brilliant sunlight. 

* * *

Rey felt like she was in a dream. She washed her clothes from the trip, alone by her tent, wringing them out hand over hand, trying to figure out how she’d gotten here. The rest of the walk back to camp she had been in a daze. Her body was buzzing and her mind was spinning like a top - Ben had kissed her, really, actually _kissed_ her. His hands, his lips, his passion… Rey’s throat felt dry. She could still feel his mouth on hers. The tingling ecstasy that had taken her over had yet to fade away, and she subtly hoped that it never would. 

The strength of his desire had told her all she needed to know; that had been just a taste of his true feelings. It was like touching the tip of a massive glacier. The depth and severity of him was still a delicious mystery.

Her first kiss. Her knees weakened. She focused on scrubbing her robes, putting her elbows into it. Never in her life had she felt more vulnerable than she had felt in his hands. Still, it was a satisfying feeling, letting him hold her. She couldn’t stop smiling. Her heart was filled to bursting - filled with him - and from now on, it always would be. 

“Hey, Rey!” Finn appeared in front of her. “Where is…” His expression changed when she looked at him, still a bit dazed and grinning like an idiot. 

“Hm? Sorry, what are you looking for?”

“You look…”

Rey blinked. 

“...Happy.” Finn cleared his throat. “So, uh, where is he?”

“At the showers.”

“Right, okay.” Finn put his hands on his hips. “The general is going to call a meeting tomorrow at noon to discuss Ben’s involvement in our new plans.”

Rey stood up to hang her robes on a tree branch, shaking it out first. “Has she already made a plan? Without us?”

“No, it’s just an idea,” he explained. 

“So is it a planning meeting or an announcement?”

“An announcement.”

“Okay.” Rey dumped out the water basin and shook water from her hands. “We’ll be there.”

Finn nodded. “See you there.” He left the way he came, and Rey noticed Ben making his way back on the same path. Rey noted the vast height difference between them. They exchanged a poisonous look as they passed one another before Finn vanished into the campsite. 

Ben, extremely handsome in a used white shirt with cut-off sleeves and brown trousers, his other robes over his arm, and his hair a damp mess, stopped beside Rey and stared at the place Finn had vanished. He looked like a prince playing a pauper, but there was a strange look on his face. 

“Ben?” Rey crossed her arms, studying him. “What was that?”

“He likes you. Finn.”

“I know that.”

Ben looked at her, and she felt a rush of familiar fear and divine attraction. His look became teasing. “He loves you.”

A cold feeling touched her heart. “He... what?”

Putting his robes aside, he picked up the empty water basin. “You really don’t know men very well, Rey. Although... I think it works in your favor most of the time.” He softened. “You let them come to you.”

Rey watched him leave to collect fresh water, basin in hand, unable to move or speak. 

* * *

As Ben filled up the basin with water and a dash of soap, he pretended not to notice Finn glaring knives at him, or everyone else for that matter. He was oddly at ease. Taking a shower had helped him calm down after his and Rey’s passionate embrace in the jungle. Some of the walls he’d put up to keep her out of his head had crumbled into dust at her slightest touch - not that he was surprised. He was weak to her emotionally. Physically they were almost a match, and skill wise, they were perfectly matched, but she knew just how to work him over. He was interested to see how things would progress.

Her taste haunted him. He’d certainly exposed his need for her. The idea itself was terrifying, but in practice, he knew that he would enjoy falling victim to her charms, despite his strongest convictions. He tried to relax the tension in his body. He was anxious, but he could trust her with his heart. She would protect it with her life and Rey knew that he would protect her heart with his life in return. He closed his eyes and imagined it. 

“Hey.”

Ben turned off the water when the basin was full and looked up to see a woman standing over him. He rose to his full height. _Oh, wow,_ he thought. She was a full foot and a half shorter than him. Her expression was hard but her face was soft, her almond eyes filled with kindness and conflict. She stuck her hand out and he looked at it. There was a comb in her fingers.

He glanced at her as he accepted it. “Thank you.”

“I’m Rose.”

“Thank you… Rose.”

She nodded uneasily without breaking eye contact. 

Ben studied her face. She was stocky and tough-looking in appearance for such a young woman. There was definitely something else she was going to say. He was ready.

“Most of us have lost everything to be here, but if you hurt Rey,” she said darkly. “We will kill you and make it look like an accident.”

There it was. Ben nodded, looking her up and down curiously. “I would do the same thing if our roles were reversed.”

“Glad you understand.” Rose turned and stalked off. Over her shoulder, Ben locked eyes with Finn, his arms crossed and his eyes haunted. He took no small amount of joy in remaining expressionless as he turned back to the basin and carried it away, back to the tent where Rey was waiting.

He idly washed his things as Rey stared into the jungle. “He did tell you, in not so many ways.”

“I had no idea.” Rey sank down beside him on the cargo bin. 

Ben flexed his arms as he wrung the wrobes out over the basin, the sound of dripping water filling their ears. “It’s not your fault that he didn’t speak plainly.”

“Well, neither did you.”

Ben looked at her. “I show my feelings with action. He was hiding his, even when I felt them through the force.”

“I…” Rey sighed. “He was my first friend. I just never imagined that…”

“Rey, he has nothing to worry about.”

“What do you mean?”

Ben shrugged. “The women here are just his type. Tough and small.”

Rey slapped her leg angrily. “I’m serious!”

“So am I.” Ben pushed stray hairs from her cheek with a damp hand and looked deep into her eyes. “He’ll be fine, Rey. His happiness is not your responsibility. Continue to be his friend, and respect his feelings for you - that’s all that he needs now.”

“Ben…” She found peace in his eyes, that much he could discern. He sat quietly with her for a moment. This was hard for her and he respected that, but he was not about to encourage her to confront him. He wanted her to be happy - with him. Not with Finn.

Touching her knee with his fingertips, Ben got up to hang his robes out to dry. He dumped the water in the basin and leaned it against the tree. When he sat back down, he remembered the comb in his pocket, and took it out. It looked clean.

“Where did you get that from?” Rey asked.

“Rose.” Ben began to untangle his hair. “She and the others are very fond of you.”

Smiling, Rey brought her knees to her chest. “I’ve found a family here. I hope that someday, you can feel the same way about them as I do.”

“After the war ends, what will they do?”

“Go home,” Rey said sadly. 

“And what will you do?”

“Find a new home, I suppose.”

Ben put the comb back into his pocket. “I could help with that.”

She cracked a smile, reaching out to rumple his slicked hair. “I’m sure you could.”

“Is this all you have planned for me?” Ben asked curiously. “Sparring and flirting?”

“Don’t pretend like its not working.”

“It could be better.”

“Very perceptive. And how could we improve your experience, exactly?”

Ben leaned towards her, humming. “I have a few ideas.”

“Ben…” She whispered as he kissed her. He felt her hands on his face, and her weakness for him, but this time he took his time, tasting her with sultry satisfaction.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment with your thoughts, I thrive on feedback.

Ben hovered behind Rey with a metal plate of food in hand. For once, he was just part of the crowd, but he found comfort in the darkness of the evening. A bonfire burned at the center of the campsite. His eyes often wandered there, catching glimpses of it through the throng of bodies vying for food. The crackle brought him back to the first time they’d touched over the force. Those fireside talks were his only fond memories now. At least, before he’d arrived here, anyway. He looked at her in the stark light, her silhouette to him like a brilliant spectre, and noticed that the others also watched her in awe. To them she was superhuman. The force had made her an iconic fighter, and her pure heart had touched these people where Kylo Ren’s darkness had poisoned them. 

Ben followed her absently wherever they went, watching her smile at people and laugh, or touch shoulders fondly, and leave a kind word here and there. They had yet to sit and eat but he could stare at her forever as nothing more than her shadow. At her side everyone restrained their poison for him. Dirty looks were normal. But if she saw them, Rey would immediately respond with a smile and a comment. Even in the dark Ben could tell they were blushing. Their feelings came to him through the force gently, brushing his consciousness with their conflicted emotions. Fear. Understanding. Rage. Weariness. Exhilaration. He could definitely sympathize.

When Rey finally sat at the edge of the crowd by the fire, Ben sank down behind her, staring into the fire as she ate. He was exhausted. Rey didn’t know that he hadn’t slept a wink on the trip here from Chandrila because he’d vanished a few times from her sight while she herself slept, and last night he’d been up all night guilt tripping himself for their fight. 

He’d been running on anxiety and underlying terror for four days. Terror of the rebels, of his mother - of change. Right now, he was feeling the past four days all at once. Maybe it was the warmth of the fire. Maybe it was the comfort of being by Rey’s side. He wasn’t sure. But he  _ was _ sure of one thing - if he didn’t get some sleep, and soon, he was going to crumple like a wet robe. 

“Ben.” Rey touched his knee. 

He snapped out of his trance. “Hm?”

“Are you alright? You’re not eating.”

“Not hungry.”

She swallowed a mouthful of food. “Ben, you’ve barely eaten or slept since we got here. Eat something.”

Ben took a bite of a hard biscuit and put his plate aside. “I’m going back to the tent.” He didn’t wait for an answer because he wasn’t so sure that he had the time to wait for one. The jungle passed him in a haze. He barely had the energy to take off his boots before he collapsed onto Rey’s cot. Unconsciousness swallowed him whole. 

* * *

Rey was worried about Ben’s absence from her side; he had barely wandered more than a few feet away all day and honestly, she liked it. She was supposed to be keeping an eye on him, and she liked feeling their bond at a close proximity. It was like a warm weight in her chest radiating with his feelings - or at least, the ones he didn’t conceal from her. She didn’t blame him for that. There were a few things she concealed herself. 

The dyad, their bond, supposedly stretched across time and space, or so Luke’s notes said. She had certainly felt Ben across the galaxy numerous times. It was always faint, or limited, but now that they were in arms length of one another, they could experience each other’s feelings in full force. Rey had felt it whenever they’d fought in the past - the strongest was when their eyes met and he was still, or when his feelings overwhelmed him - but she had yet to experience him across time. Maybe there was no need for it yet. Anyway, it was nice to know that they didn’t need communicators to stay in touch. 

Rey gobbled up the remainder of her dinner before following Ben back to the tent. When he’d gotten up to leave, his feelings had been so vague and foggy. She had never felt them like that before. It wasn’t like him to be foggy. The space around their tent was quiet and still - even his normal place was empty. She passed inside, treading carefully, and found him out cold in her cot. Relief washed over her. He was just tired! ...Wait, that was _ her _ cot! 

She glanced around. His tent hadn’t been set up yet; they were still digging around trying to find a spare cot and rigging, and likely dragging their feet about it. Rey looked at Ben. In that white shirt and those trousers, he looked just like his father. He lay on his back, one hand behind his head and the other resting on his stomach, breathing deeply. His long legs stretched off the cot and ended on a cargo bin beside it. 

There was something strange about seeing him look so… soft. She eyed his exposed underarms and wondered just how soft. Grabbing a blanket, Rey covered him as much as she could, knowing damn well that she wouldn’t wake him up. There was no way that he would sleep here if he didn’t feel safe. Rey smiled. She was glad that he felt safe here.

She could feel his mind flickering in the dark, so she spread her cloak out on the ground beside the cot and curled up on it. The ground was cold and hard. It had been ages since she was reminded of her life on Jakku like this, but it wasn’t a good memory - sleeping in bulkheads, draped over rotted mattresses, springs in her back. Rey sighed. Focusing on Ben’s mind, she closed her eyes tightly and tried to sleep. 

* * *

Rey found herself in the green valley. It was the same time of day - sunset - and the same warmth filled her from the fading light as it had before. She took a good look around from the only overlooking stone on the hill. So, this was where he’d escaped his Jedi training to rest. It was beautiful. The undulation of the earth was as soft and welcoming as a warm embrace. Strangely, she couldn’t see over the horizon, or anything at all outside the valley; although it was possible that he’d blocked it out. 

Golden grass tickled her hands. She scanned the hills and spotted Ben asleep, just as he was in her cot, in the grass of the hill. His black hair was tousled by the breeze. A sharp stab of affection pierced Rey’s heart. He was so beautiful. Of all the men in her life she’d imagined falling in love with, he was the last thing that she’d expected - tall, dark, and handsome wasn’t normally her type. 

She descended the hill to join him, careful not to touch or disturb him as she took her place at his side, looking up at the sky. She lay back and laced her fingers together on her sternum. What a beautiful evening. Fluffy clouds drifted overhead lit with brilliant violets and reds, and the sky beyond it was navy blue and sparkling with stars. She shut her eyes. Yes. This was his sanctuary. 

“Rey.”

Rey startled, turning to see Ben sitting up on his elbow, alert and awake. “Sorry, did I wake you?” 

“No. This is a dream.”

“Oh, right.” She struggled to sit up. “I was worried when you left so suddenly.”

His facade cracked a little; when he smirked, his sharp left incisor made an appearance. “It’s good to know that someone is worried about me.” He sat up and faced her. “I come here to rest.”

Rey pulled her knees to her chest. “You must have needed it.”

“Yes.” Ben hesitated.

“What is it?”

“...Nothing.” He looked away from her. Rey lightly punched his arm, making him smirk at her again. “What’s that for?”

“Liar.”

He laughed quietly. “Fair enough.” It was the first time she’d ever heard him laugh, or seen a smile on his face. It changed his entire appearance. He held his breath for a minute before exhaling heavily. “You must be tired of me by now. I hope you kept the receipt,” he joked.

Rey laughed, looking at him like he was nuts. “It’s only been four days!”

“Well don’t wait too long to return me, or you won’t get a proper refund.”

“Ben,” she said. She met his eyes and took his hand. “Stop talking about yourself like that. You’re a man, not a burden that I have to carry around.”

“Aren’t I?” Ben searched her face. “No... I can sense other things from you. Mostly patience.”

“Why does that surprise you?”

Ben squeezed her hand. “If our roles were reversed, how would you feel?”

“Relieved,” Rey replied. “Peaceful. Safe, knowing that I have you by my side.”

Tapping his chest over his heart, Ben smiled. “A lot has happened. There’s only so much room in here, you know.”

“Yeah, and most of it is full of self-deprecation,” Rey pointed out.

“True.”

“...Ben?”

“Hm?”

“Back in the jungle, why did you kiss me?” 

This was a test, and he knew it. He looked at her with level eyes. “I needed to.”

Her heart stammered. “You did?”

Ben nodded. “I’ve wanted to for a long time.”

Rey sat closer to him, looking into his face for something. “Why didn’t you? Earlier, I mean?”

“A lot of reasons.” Ben sighed and put his arm around her. “I knew what it would mean to you, how you would need me to stay close to you afterwards, and I wasn’t ready to accept that responsibility.” He paused. “I’ve never been able to feel… like this.”

Rey leaned her head against his shoulder and shut her eyes. The rise and fall of his chest eased her tension. She knew that he was trying to pick and choose what to tell her in order to protect his true feelings, as deep and tangled as they might be, and she respected his desire to keep part of himself a secret. “I thought about you so often like this,” she said gently. “It’s hard to believe it’s all real.”

“It isn’t,” Ben said. “It’s just a dream.”

\---

Rey gasped as she woke suddenly to Ben’s strong arms around her. He lifted her off the floor as though she weighed less than a feather, bringing her onto the cot tenderly. She lay frozen. No one had ever picked her up like this - it reminded her of the time Ren had carried her through the snow, hot with anger and power, steam rolling from the mouth of his mask. She scarcely breathed as she felt the warm press of his body lay down beside her. Immediately her pulse took off like a racehorse, pounding hot blood through her veins. Her knees were weak.  _ My god, _ she thought.  _ He’s really doing this! _

Ben put his arms around her protectively, sighing into her hair, and settled down to sleep again.  _ “Now _ it’s real,” he murmured. He had somehow fit them both on a military cot, defying the laws of physics.

Pure bliss filled Rey’s entire body. She put her arms around him and pushed her face into his chest, breathing him in. The wide span of his chest gave her life. He smelled strongly of firewood and cheap soap. She touched his arms and his back, feeling the soft flesh of him, and she could feel the rigid surprise of his reaction. He grunted as she tangled her legs up with his. Grinning, Rey shut her eyes, feeling the beat of his heart against her own and letting her love for him wash over her like a tidal wave. If she could drown in it, she would.

“Ben,” she whispered. “I love you.”

He held her tighter. “I know.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


The next day, a meeting was called back at base. Ben followed at Rey’s heels to the center of the campsite with thunder rumbling in the distance. The canopy trembled overhead with a cold wind. They arrived in a sea of people who were, to Ben, no longer unfamiliar faces. They still gave him a wide berth. He glanced around curiously only to receive a dozen poisonous looks, so he turned his eyes forward instead. He was a full head taller than all of them. 

Ben’s mother stood at the center of the congregation in all her regal grace, eyes steady as they scanned the crowd. “My fellow rebels,” she began. “Our ranks have officially increased... by just one.” Her hand swept towards Ben, and he stood proudly at Rey’s shoulder in his tan Jedi robes. “My son Ben, returned from the dark side, carries knowledge of the First Order that will win us this war. Today, we will formulate a plan to destroy the empire once and for all. Together.” She lowered her arms. “Gather every shred of hope in your heart - soon, we will all be free of the mindless cruelty of our enemies.” 

A cheer rose up around them. Rey joined in, clapping adamantly, and Ben glanced at her first and then at his mother. What was the general planning, he wondered? Everyone dispersed to begin preparations as the general turned to leave. Ben’s anxiety spiked as they began breaking down the campsite. What… was that it? They were leaving? He was enjoying himself too much to have his paradise shattered - it was selfish, but with all of this, he had barely begun his trek back to who he used to be.

Rey followed the general to her canopy and Ben did not hesitate to follow. He may not want to confront the end of their paradise, but he would follow Rey into the mouth of a blackhole if need be. It began to drizzle rain. The sky was grey, the earth damp beneath their boots. They gathered with Poe, Finn, and Chewbacca before the general, standing side by side as though Ben deserved to be there. Rey took his hand covertly. The youngest Skywalker tried to suppress his aura of overwhelming negativity.

The general looked at them all in turn. “Take five.”

“What?” Poe blurted.

“Come back in five minutes,” she clarified. “First, I need to speak to my son. Alone.”

_ Oh no. _ Ben recalled their first talk with chagrin. Finn nudged Poe, and the pilot bobbed his head, pinching his lips in his teeth. Chewbacca made an irritated sound. They filed out, taking Rey with them. Ben watched her go uneasily before looking back at his mother, who looked not only smug, but unusually satisfied with herself. She waited for their footsteps to fade before she spoke. 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Ben.”

“My apologies.” He walked over to the table, brushing his fingertips across the space charts. “But when I first got here, you _ did _ instill an ancestral fear in me.”

The general smiled. She had, in fact, given him a good scolding for being like his grandfather, for staying away so long, and for many other things, too. “You had it coming.”

Ben looked at her fondly. “Fair enough.”

“You know what I’m going to ask.”

“No, actually.”

“That’s a surprise.” His mother sat down, easing her old bones onto a tree stump. “My question is this: Do you think I’m an idiot?”

Ben’s eyes widened. “Absolutely not!”

“Right. And how long do you think it will take Rey to figure out what your real plan is?” 

“...You’re not making any sense.” Ben felt cold. He had no idea what she was talking about, but it instilled deep fear in him. 

“Oh, yes I am,” she countered. “I know you, Ben. You were with the dark side too long to forgo all of your old habits. Now answer me. How long were you going to wait before whisking Rey off of this planet and blowing it smithereens?”

“Mother, I don’t-”

“Don’t ‘mother’ me. Not like this,” Leia whispered. 

Ben went to her and knelt in the grass, prostrate. “Please believe me - I don’t understand any of this! What are you talking about?” Instantly, Leia went silent. She searched his feelings and found him truthful. Her own feelings clashed wildly. “Tell me.” Ben’s eyes turned steely. “What’s going on? Is Rey in danger? Are you?”

“My son. I’m so sorry.” She touched his face, brushing his scar with her thumb. “It gives me great joy to hear love in your voice again.” 

Ben flushed. “How do you…?”

His mother smiled. “Why do you think I let you live with her?”

“...Mother. Thank you,” he said, with genuine gratefulness. His time with Rey had become his most treasured memory. To think that his mother gave that brief time to him, knowing that he loved Rey and that she loved him too, was extraordinary. It was a gift like no other; she had given him _ opportunity,  _ and now, he had everything. Forgiveness, love… Rey.

Leia looked shocked. “You really have changed.”

Ben nodded. “I can’t let any harm come to her. Please. Tell me what’s happening.”

“There was a tracking device in your cloak. We found it when we searched the ship. I thought you had given it to Rey purposefully, to kidnap her and lead the First Order here. I thought you capable of such deceit.”

“My black cloak?” Ben recalled giving it Rey days ago, on Chandrila, but didn’t he bury it with his other things? He stiffened. No, Rey had left it on the ship! She must’ve put it away in the Falcon without thinking, and brought it here - right to the rebel base. Hux always bugged his things, that sneaky cur. “Did you destroy it?” He asked.

“Yes. We smashed the tracking device and incinerated the cloak, but it’s too late. They’re bound to be on their way.”

“And we can’t be here when they get here.” Ben understood now. “We have to go.”

“We need a plan,” Leia pressed. “Get the others. We have to get off this planet before it’s too late.”


	7. Chapter 7

Thunder boomed. Dark clouds blocked out the sun and rain began to fall; gently at first, and then it came down in torrents, to everyone’s annoyance. It was a good thing they were leaving. Apparently, this planet had a two-month rainy season in this sector. Thanks to the rebels diligence nothing was left behind. With the agile hands of many the campsite was quickly disassembled, all of the transports packed, and every ship was boarded. The others were readying the Falcon for departure when Rey had finally finished her discussion with Leia. As she stepped off of the general’s ship, she saw Ben in the rain just outside, waiting for her. He wore a waterproof cloak over his Jedi robes, but had left the hood down, so his black hair was slick against his face and the nape of his neck. He looked ridiculous standing there in the mud.

“You’re soaked!” Rey put up her hood and walking out to him. “You could have gone on ahead.”

A glint of mischief shone in Ben’s eyes. “You should have said so.” 

Rey rolled her eyes before she took his outstretched hand, shocked at how warm it was. They walked side by side through the downpour. The Falcon was lit up and humming. Rain rushed off of its bulkhead like waves and made it gleam in the dim light, and from the ground, they could see Finn bent over Poe at the pilot’s controls. Rey sensed unease from Ben. He’d never been cramped in a ship with all of his old enemies before. But this time he didn’t hesitate to climb the ramp into his father’s ship - he even lifted his arm so be sure that Rey was a step ahead of him the whole time. 

The ramp rose after them. They went to the cockpit, dripping wet, and Finn saw them and laughed. “Couldn’t wait to take a shower when we got back?”

“Haha,” Rey said flatly. “Look, do we have out coordinates?”

“Yep,” Poe said, tapping the screens. 

“Good. Let’s get out of here.” Rey strapped into the copilot’s seat and began to man the console.

“Yessir!” Poe flicked a few switches and grasped the controls, easing the Falcon off the ground. Everyone held on tight as the ship left the canopy. Ben watched the planet vanish from the viewscreen, turning his eyes to the stars once they broke the atmosphere. The other ships were already making the jump to lightspeed. Poe began to charge the warp drive. “Better sit down for this one, guys.” 

Finn and Ben sat down, belting themselves into the chairs. The whine of the engines filled their ears as the ship prepared itself for the jump. “Ever done anything like this before?” Finn asked Ben.

Ben nodded. “Yes, but nothing on this big of a scale.”

“So, you can do it, right?”

“We’ll see. Hux hates me and it makes him stupid, but it won’t be easy.”

Finn paled. “Great.”

“Here we  _ go!”  _ Poe called, and punched it. The galaxy warped around them as the Millennium Falcon shot into space. Rattling metal and intense G-force strained their bodies, throwing them back against their seats and giving them horrible vertigo. Everything buzzed until the ship stabilized. Rey blinked the spots away. Fortunately, no one lost their lunches. She checked all of the ship’s vitals before sighing in relief. A smooth jump. 

\---

Ben unbuckled from his seat and pushed his soaked hair from his face. That had been the most rattling jump he’d ever experienced. “Is this thing always like that?” 

Chewbacca yelled something from the other room. “That’s the Falcon,” Finn translated. “Thankfully, your dad’s ship is still in one piece.”

Ben’s eyes flickered. Chewbacca wasn’t looking at him. That had actually stung a little. Losing his father to his own hand was still a fresh wound - for both of them. He could still feel his father’s hand on his saber; he could still see the love in his eyes, the same eyes he’d given to Ben. Every time Ben looked in the mirror he saw Han Solo’s face looking back at him. Ben flexed his right hand. He got up and walked out of the room, untying his cloak. “I’ll be back,” he said. He went to the cargo bins at the back and hung up his cloak to dry. Then, it was a hunt for clean towels. Ben knelt down and opened one of the bins with shaking hands and wondered how Chewbacca could even stand to be in the same room as him. He couldn’t sense animosity from the wookie, though - there was only sadness and disappointment where there should have been rage. 

The animosity came from Finn and Poe on his behalf. That, Ben understood. Anger was familiar to him. He’d been molded by it. 

A soft wookie call startled Ben. He turned around to see Chewy and Finn standing in the doorway, looking at him. “What is it?” Ben rose slowly, hands on his knees. 

“He has something he wants to say,” Finn replied. 

Ben stared at him, then at the wookie who had helped raise him. “I’m listening.”

Chewy gave a sad sound, calling out in a low voice. He held out his hairy hand.

Finn looked at Ben. “He says he forgives you. And that he’s glad you’re here, even if… even if Han can’t be,” he finished quietly. 

Shock racked Ben to the core. Chewy… forgave him? He squashed the torrent of emotions frothing within him, desperate to keep his composure, but he looked into Chewy’s face ripe with confusion and shock. “But how?” He whispered. “How could you forgive me, after everything I’ve done - to you, and to my father?”

Chewy made an adamant sound. 

“Your father understood,” Finn translated. “I understand, too.”

“...You didn’t even give me the chance to apologize.”

Another guttural sound. Finn smiled. “It was implied.”

Ben stepped back. “I’m sorry,” he managed. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

Giving an irritated cry, Chewbacca took a step forward and snatched up Ben in his arms, giving him a crushing hug. Ben yelped in surprise. His bones ached with the strength of the wookie’s grip. 

“Okay, dammit!” Ben said. “Fine!” He let out a whoosh of air as Chewy dropped him, staggering a bit to regain his balance. Ben rubbed his arms. “For what it’s worth… I’m sorry. For everything.” He glanced at Finn. “All of it.”

Finn glared at him. “This is his moment, not mine,” he clarified.

Ben nodded. “I understand that - I can’t explain away my sins, and I’m not trying to. I just want to help end this.”

Chewy nudged Finn, who grumbled. “We’re the good guys, so of course we forgive you,” Finn added. “But we  _ don’t _ trust you. Not yet.”

“If you never do, no one would blame you. Me included.”

Finn eyed him. “You’re really not him anymore.”

Ben blinked. “What?”

“Nothing.” Finn flushed. “You’re just… not what I expected, that’s all.”

“I’m trying.”

“It’s working.”

“...Thanks,” Ben said genuinely.

Chewy went back into the other room, and Finn shot Ben a venomous look before following him. Ben watched them go. He didn’t feel nearly as surprised as he did confused. They were so kind to him, despite everything. It was weird. He shook his head and went back to his towel search. Well, at least now he knew that it wouldn’t be Chewy who would kill him in his sleep. 

Rey and Poe were arguing about light speed skipping when Ben came back to the cabin, a towel around his neck. He offered another one to Rey who gladly accepted it. “Thank you, Ben. Feeling alright?”

Ben nodded. “This is a piece of junk.”

“Absolutely. But it’s _ our _ piece of junk,” Poe asserted. 

“Hm.” Ben leaned on the back of Rey’s chair as she rubbed rainwater from her face. “How long will we be at warp?”

“Two days,” Poe said, eyeing him. “Don’t start getting any funny ideas, sith boy.”

“Poe,” Rey protested, but Ben touched her shoulder. 

“It’s fine. I’m not asking for anyone to be nice, I just don’t want to be shot in the back before we end this.” Ben lifted an eyebrow at Poe. 

Poe pulled a face. “I guess that’s a reasonable request.”

“Good.” Ben took Rey’s towel when she was done with it, putting it over his shoulder. “So, what do we do now?”

Rey turned her chair to face him. “Now, we wait.”

* * *

  
  


“Favorite color?” Finn asked.

“...Red.”

“Favorite word?” Poe blurted.

Ben paused to think, and Rey could see the wheels in his head turning. All of them were taking turns asking Ben questions about himself to break up the tension that was palpable in the room. Sitting around in silence had begun to drive Rey crazy. So, this was their alternative. It was bizarre, they knew, to be giving their ex-arch-enemy a pop quiz, but here they were, seven hours into the trip and a dozen questions in. 

“Acknowledgements,” Ben answered at last. 

Finn looked at him funny. “Why?”

“I always liked the way it was spelled, ever since I began to read.” 

Rey smiled into her mug of tea. Ben looked so soft with his dark hair swept back out of his face. He was really trying to be forthcoming for the sake of the game, but she could feel his tension and anxiety. She could see it, too, in the way he tightly clenched his hands in his lap, even though the rest of his posture was calm and relaxed. 

“Ben,” she spoke up. “What’s your shoe size?”

Their eyes met and something unspoken passed between them. “Fourteen,” he said awkwardly. 

“WHAT?!” Poe cried. “You’re lying.”

Patches of red appeared on Ben’s face. “No…? Why, what’s yours?” 

“Nine!”

“Dude,” Finn looked at Poe. “I’m a ten.”

“I mean, we knew that,” Poe muttered. “How tall are you, Ben?”

“6’3.”

Poe threw up his hands. “There you go.”

“Wait, did you just call me a ten - like, on a scale of one to ten?” Finn chimed in, confused.

“He did,” Ben confirmed. “It was pretty romantic, actually.”

Rey choked on her tea. It was a very public secret around the base that Poe had a crush on Finn. He flirted with most everyone except the general - and Finn. Dead silence followed. Chewy made an awkward noise just to make it stop. 

Ben glanced between the two men. “You didn’t know?” He smirked. “Cute.”

“Don’t ever call me cute, first of all,” Finn snapped, but Ben just grinned and grinned. “Second of all, what the hell…?” He looked to Poe for help, but trailed off. Poe looked like someone had just punched his heart. Finn paled. “You…? Wait, wait, hold on a second…”

Getting up, Rey grabbed Ben’s arm and pulled him out of the room. “We’ll give you two a minute. Come on, Chewy,” she motioned to the wookie, who happily followed them.

“Oh, no,” Poe watched them go with desperation written all over his face. “Wait…!” 

The door slid shut. Chewy yelled something about going go sit in the gunner, shaking his head, and walked off. He was probably tired of their drama. Ben and Rey headed down the hallway quietly laughing. Rey punched Ben’s arm lightly. “It’s not funny,” she giggled. “He wasn’t supposed to know!”

“It’s kinda funny.” Ben smirked. 

“You’re horrid.” Rey sighed. “Finn’s bound to be so upset.”

“Why? Poe is just his type-”

“If you say it  _ one more time _ …”

Ben grinned. “- tough and small.”

Rey burst out laughing. They went to the crew quarters, where she climbed into a top bunk, yawning. She lay on her stomach with her head on her arms, looking at Ben. “I shouldn’t have to tell you which secrets to keep, you know.”

“I choose which to keep and which to reveal of my own volition, thank you.” He leaned against the wall beside her bunk. “I like them.”

“Hm?” 

“Finn and Poe. I like them.”

“Do you?” Rey smiled. “You three getting along is so strange, isn’t it?”

Ben nodded absently. He folded his arms and looked through the opposite wall, lost in thought. Rey studied his side profile. His dark freckles almost looked like constellations. He really did resemble Han and Luke with his broad shoulders and his longer hair, but inside Rey knew that Ben had Leia’s intelligence, passion, and wit. His sarcasm, well… that was a modge-podge. She saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed and wondered what he was thinking now. Suddenly he felt her eyes on him, he broke from his trance to give her a look. “What?” His voice was so low, almost defensive. 

Rey flushed. “Sorry. I’m still getting used to you.”

His brow pinched. “Is it difficult?”

“No,” she said honestly. “It’s fantastic.”

Ben looked deeply into her eyes. He reached up and touched her face with careful fingertips. “You’re finally my height,” he murmured, tracing his thumb along her jawline. His eyes flickered to her lips. That unspoken feeling passed between them again, more of a bolt of electricity than a feeling, and Rey felt something stirring within her. Her pulse sped up. He was more man than she could ever want, and the urge to hold him crushingly close overwhelmed her. 

“Kiss me,” she said suddenly. 

Ben eagerly leaned in, his lips meeting hers, and sparks lit her up inside. She felt weak. He rested his palm against her throat, thumbing her cheek, deepening the kiss as he did so, and she knew that his intense desire was reigned in tight but it wasn’t absent. The more he wanted her, the harder it was for him to hide. Rey tangled her fingers in his black hair. She wanted him, too. Badly. His mouth was heavenly. They kissed over and over, impatient for more, and without thinking Rey sank her teeth gently into his bottom lip. He stopped. 

Rey blinked. “Sorry, did it hurt?”

“No.” Ben paused. “Do it again.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


The next morning, Ben winced as he drank his coffee. He and Poe sat in the cockpit alone. Poe eyed his cut lips. “What happened, did you two get into a fight?”

“No.” Ben drank, refusing to elaborate.

Poe squinted at him. “You’re a real piece of work, Ben.”

“I prefer to think of myself as a work in progress.”

“I’m sure you do.”

Ben glanced back at the empty hallway. “How did it go last night? With Finn, I mean.”

“I’m considering shooting you in the foot.”

“That would make it very difficult to run away.”

“Exactly.” Poe sighed, rubbing his face. 

“That bad, huh?”

“Shut up.”

Ben drank his coffee and licked the blood from his lip. “You two are a good match.”

Poe gave him a disgruntled look. “Buzz off.”

“He’s short, you’re short,” Ben muttered. “It’s perfect.”

Poe guzzled his coffee, choking when it burned his tongue. After a coughing spell he threw his canister on the floor angrily. He clenched his hands into fists. “Everything was fine. You ruined everything. All of it.”

Ben studied his red face. “You love him.”

“YOU-” Poe restrained his temper by a thread. “That is none of your business, or anyone else’s for that matter!”

Ben didn’t even flinch. “He doesn’t know how to feel, either.”

Poe froze. “Wh…? You can sense that kinda stuff?”

“How do you think I figured it out?”

Suddenly, Poe sat up and pointed a finger in his face. “You better help me fix this.”

“...Perhaps.” Ben swirled his coffee. “You’ll have to tell me exactly what happened, though.”

“Damn you.” 

“I can’t fix what I can’t see.” 

“I’ll tell Finn that you’re making out with Rey if you don’t fix this,” Poe threatened.

Ben smirked around the lip of his cup. “He knows.”

“Ben, I swear to god -”

“Tell me what happened.”

“Fine.” Poe sat in silence for a few minutes, arms crossed, and Ben sensed him gathering his feelings together for this. He didn’t push him. Ben sat patiently sipping his coffee and staring out at the warped galaxy thinking about Rey. Her hands, her lips, her sharp teeth on his tongue… He sipped his coffee again. It was nice to indulge in feelings sometimes. In small doses, anyway. Poe took a deep breath and Ben glanced at him expectantly. 

“He…” Poe swallowed hard. “He loves Rey.”

“Yes.”

“You know everything, don’t you?”

“I don’t know Rey’s shoe size,” Ben admitted, and Poe’s facade cracked just a little. 

“I told him that it was fine, but he made a big deal out of it, you know?” Poe stared out at the warp galaxy. “I told him that I loved him, and that it was no big deal, and he just… kept making it a big deal. I couldn’t get him off it.”

Ben stared at him. “You really said that it was ‘no big deal’?”

“I still might shoot you.”

Ben picked up Poe’s canister and gave him a refill, offering it out to him. “Downplaying your feelings was a mistake.”

“What the fuck do you know?” Poe snapped. “You’re just some space goth.”

“Right, except  _ my  _ romantic wooing actually worked.” Ben waved the coffee at him, and Poe stared at him.

“I’m  _ really _ gonna shoot you, now.” Poe snatched back his canister. “Okay, big-shot, what  _ should _ I have said?”

Ben shook his head. “It’s too late to go back on what you already said. Now you have to mend it.” He sat back, thinking, and crossed his incredibly long legs. “Now, you need to say something like…” He sucked in a deep breath through his nose. “‘I didn’t mean it when I said that my love for you was no big deal. It is a big deal to me. Finn, you mean a lot to me. Please understand that I don’t want what we have to change.’”

“...Even if I do?”

“Even if you do. Remember, it’s not just about you. It’s about him, too.”

“Okay… then what?”

“Then you wait for him to say something like, ‘I don’t understand,’ or, ‘Okay, I get it,’ or, “I love you, too - I’m sorry I overreacted,’ and go from there.”

Poe stared at him. “Go where from where?”

Ben eyed him. “You’re really not good at this.”

“I’ve been single for ten years.”

“I see.” Ben put his mug aside. “You just have to make him understand, somehow, that you just want what’s best for him, despite your feelings, because that’s what you do when you love somebody. You put them first.” He looked at Poe. “You two have known each other for a few years, right? You’ll be fine.” Poe was still staring at him. Ben returned his look. “What?”

“How the hell do you know all this stuff?” Poe demanded. “You were evil!”

Ben lowered his eyes. “I was a lot of things.”

“Was ‘in love’ one of them?”

“Yeah.”

“Is this the first time for you?”

“Yeah.”

Poe rubbed a hand down his face. “Jesus, I’m taking advice from a virgin.”

Ben smirked. “I never said that.”

“Never said what?” Rey appeared at Ben’s shoulder, and Poe choked on his coffee again.

“Nothing,” they said in unison. Their eyes locked. Rey scowled.

Poe gave him a grouchy look, but Ben was smiling. 


	8. Chapter 8

Ben dropped out of warp. He tugged at his black collar and shifted uncomfortably; there was still sand in his clothes from where he’d buried them, but more than that, he felt uneasy. He’d finally escaped this life. Walking back into it as though nothing had happened felt... wrong. Piloting a single seat spacecraft, he looked out the viewscreen at the star destroyers orbiting the jungle planet’s moon - Yavin 4. Here, the First Order had followed his tracking signal - likely after his six day absence - to ascertain whether he had betrayed them or been captured by the rebels. They were likely very confused to find the moon abandoned. He sensed their anger and confusion as he drew closer, and he hit the communications button.

“General Hux,” Ben said evenly. “I believe you were looking for me.”

“Supreme Leader!” Hux appeared on his screen, half infuriated and half horrified. 

Ben smirked. “I’m docking. Lower shields.”

“Right away, Supreme Leader. We eagerly await your arrival.”

The communication ended. Ben reached out with his feelings to touch Rey’s mind, leaving her with feelings of confidence and affection. She faintly acknowledged his feelings; the distance made it difficult for her to find him. Ben hated it. He missed her already. Sharpening his mind, he let his anger resurface, his face stony. 

The shields lowered, and Ben banked his ship into the docking bay, setting it down carefully just inside. He was met with an envoy of his council. Hopping onto the platform, he faced them, feigning annoyance. “Why haven’t you blasted this moon to pieces?” He demanded.

Hux came to the front of the envoy, looking pale. “There is no one there, Supreme Leader. We followed your signal here but by the time we arrived everyone had gone.”

“Because I had pursued them,” Ben said, walking passed the envoy. They followed him as he stalked towards the bridge. “They scrambled to leave upon my arrival but this is, in fact, one of their hidden bases. I want that moon destroyed. Now.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Hux said.

They flooded onto the bridge. Ben’s eyes locked onto the viewscreen where the jungle moon hung below them. For a moment, he flickered. He’d kissed Rey for the first time on that moon. There he had lain with her, exhausted, all night. He’d known her love there. “Aim all cannons on the moon,” he said suddenly. He had to do this - they wouldn’t believe him otherwise. “Fire.”

The ship shuddered as it fired its entire weapons array at Yakin 4. With anguish in his heart, Ben watched red cracks appear on the moon’s surface, its very core melting as it splintered apart. Watching it shatter caused him great pain. 

“Where have the rebels gone?” Hux asked, standing close at hand. 

Ben didn’t look at him. “To gather their allies.”

  
  


\---

Rey felt Ben reach out to her, and she knew that it was time. She looked over at Poe from the copilot’s seat. “He’s made contact.”

“Great.” Poe opened communications to the other ships. “This is our chance to end this war once and for all - let’s make it count.” One by one, the rebel transports sounded off, warping off in all different directions. 

Finn leaned forward, putting a hand on both of their shoulders. “I hope this works.”

“It has to,” Rey said quietly. 

“It will,” Leia said over the intercom. “We just have to have faith.”

“Are you sure Ben will be alright?” Finn asked through the com. “He just left the dark side. Is he ready?”

The line crackled as Leia laughed. “We’re never ready when fate finds us, Finn.”

“Encouraging.” Finn sat back down, and Chewbacca made a disgruntled noise. “I don’t like it either, Chewy.”

Rey said nothing. She was worried about Ben too, but she knew that he could handle himself - they just had to hope that he could handle stepping back into Kylo Ren’s shoes again.

“He’ll be fine.” Poe turned the ship about and began charging the warp drive. 

“What makes you so sure?” Finn asked.

“He’s one of us now - an honorary rebel scum!”

Rey laughed lightly. “He’d love to hear you say that!”

“I’m sure he would. Now hold on to your lunch!” Poe punched them into warp.

* * *

Ben paced the bridge. Darkness crept into the corners of his mind, haunting him with visions of the past. The burning Jedi temple. His arrogance. The greed and power of the dark side that had seduced him at such a young age twisting his heart up into an unrecognizable abomination. He tried to shake off his past, but it dodged his every step. He would have to destroy everything that he had used to hurt others before he could move on - he knew that. He looked down at his gloved hands. These hands had spilled so much blood. They’d caused so much pain and suffering. He felt dizzy. Turning, he disappeared into the hallway, running away from his thoughts. The hiss of the heavy metal door closing filled his head.

He was a criminal. A terrorist. He’d done horrible things all his life willingly, willfully - not just to people, but to entire planets. How could he ever move on? How could he ever live with himself, after everything he’d done? His future with Rey was a fantasy. He didn’t deserve a happy ending. Ben thought about the storm troopers, manipulated and controlled; he thought about Rey, and the hundreds of rebels he’d killed; he thought about the people he’d strangled to death with his bare hands, and the strong desire to kill himself overwhelmed him. His hands began to shake uncontrollably. He grabbed at his waist, but his saber wasn’t there anymore. With nothing to facilitate the maddening desire for death, dread washed over him. His body felt like it was on fire. He staggered into his chambers, falling to his knees in the center of the floor. The room he’d once thought of as a sanctuary seemed to him now like a museum of his failure. Everywhere he looked there were momentos of his evil. His vision blackened. He leaned his head back against the cold bulkhead and gasped for air, his fingertips going numb as they pressed against the floor. He couldn’t feel his legs. 

“Ben,” came a familiar voice, like an echo from a memory.

Ben looked wildly around the room, but he saw no one. It was difficult to see with tunnel vision. His hot flash turned icy cold, and he began to shiver, the spots in his eyes fading away. Slowly he closed his eyes, his heart racing, and when he opened them again his lips parted in shock. Before him knelt the solid ghost of Han Solo. 

“Father,” he whispered. 

Han smiled, his wrinkled face warm and calming. “My son.” Lifting his hand, he offered it to Ben, who took it immediately. Tears sprung to Ben’s eyes. Han squeezed his hand affectionately. “I’m so proud of you, Ben.”

Ben sobbed. “I’m sorry - I’m so sorry. I was wrong about everything.”

“I know.” Han admired his son’s face. “Let the past die,” he said. “But don’t you  _ dare _ let it take you down with it.”

Ben stared at him, desperately memorizing the loving look on his face. “I don’t deserve this. Redemption.”

“We all deserve a second chance.”

“Don’t go,” Ben begged. “Please don’t go. Stay with me - please.”

Han pressed his lips together. “You know I can’t.”

“I can’t see my future anymore.” Ben’s voice was laden with tears. “Not without you. I thought I could, but I can’t. I was just lying to myself.” He squeezed his eyes shut to stop the tears, but they kept on flowing. “I’ve destroyed any chance I ever had at happiness - I did this to myself! It’s over...” He felt a warm hand on his face.

“No, Ben - it’s not over. I can see your future stretched out before you like a bridge,” Han said. “And it’s filled with light.”

When Ben opened his eyes again, everything was blurry and his father was gone. The air was still. His body slowly returned feeling to his legs. His heart beat slowed. And gradually, the tears dried on his cheeks. Ben sniffed hard. His head hurt now. He clenched the hand Han had been holding tightly into a fist and got up, leaning heavily against the wall. And this time, when he looked down at his hands, he saw not horror, but potential. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Ben’s distress pierced Rey’s concentration like a knife. She gasped in pain. Beside her, Finn grabbed her as she stumbled. “Rey!” He cried. “What happened?”

“Ben,” she managed. Slowly, the pain faded away. She looked into the sky, awestruck. “He wanted to kill himself.”

“For the first time?”

Rey gave him a look. “Finn!”

“Sorry,” Finn grumbled. “He didn’t do it, did he?”

“No. He’s okay now.” Rey stepped back, her brow pinched. 

Finn studied her. “What?”

“I thought he would struggle, but not like this.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to tell you, Rey. He was bad for a long time.”

“I know.” Rey looked at him. “I just wish that he could be free of the dark side.”

Finn touched her shoulder. “He will be. One day.” He took her hand, and they plunged back into the crowd, vanishing. 

* * *

  
  


“So… what do you think?” Poe grinned, looking around at the sea of new faces surrounding him. The abandoned warehouse was huge but it dwarfed their congregation in comparison. Every time someone shifted, they kicked a piece of rusted scrap metal. A blue hand raised. Poe pointed at it. “Yes?” 

“Are you pulling my leg?” A cyborg creature attached to the hand asked. “You expect me to believe that the Supreme Leader of the First Order is…  _ good _ now?”

Poe put his hands on his hips. “I know how it sounds, but I’ve seen him in Jedi robes with my own two eyes. He’s determined to end this war.”

A mercenary crossed her arms. “To the benefit of whom?”

Sighing, Poe glanced around. All the new recruits seemed to share the same sentiment. “Look, I can’t make you believe me. It’s been hard for me to accept this plan, too, but the head of the resistance made it, and I’m with her. I came out here to get help. We can’t do this without the support of our allies - you. You know that we can’t live in fear anymore. If we want any chance at a better life without the empire controlling our every move,  _ this _ is where we need to start.” He held out his arms. “Help us  _ free the galaxy!  _ General Leia needs you - the resistance needs you - _ I _ need you!” 

Silence fell. The crowd exchanged unreadable looks. 

“What do you say?” Poe asked. “Are you ready to kick some empire ass?”

A middle aged woman in the front looked up at him. “We were born ready.”

* * *

Ben waited until nightfall to begin his normal haunted walk around the ship. Patrols saw him and scrambled to redirect their perimeter checks, desperate to avoid his anger. He gave a few poisonous looks to troopers who wandered too close to keep up his image and before long, he was totally alone. He shot a glance at the cameras. There would need to be a partial blackout for him to access the controls he needed without being spotted. In time, he would find the right time. Until then, he continued his walk, dark hair in his face and Rey on his mind.

  
  


* * *

  
  


That night, Rey went to bed early, desperate to check on Ben. She curled up in a bunk on the Millennium Falcon, clutching her saber. She shut her eyes tightly. “Ben,” she whispered. “Sleep. Please, sleep.”

* * *

  
  


Rey could smell fresh bread baking. She turned around and saw someone was in the kitchen, humming as they pulled open the oven door. A woman’s voice called out something. Cautiously, Rey approached the narrow doorway, peeking inside to see a very young General Leia waving smoke away from a loaf of bread on an oven tray. Rey was shocked. This slender woman, maybe thirty years old, crinkled her button nose and scoffed at the burnt underside of the bread. 

“Not again,” Leia mumbled. “Ben? I don’t hear you picking up your things!”

“I am!”

Rey whirled to see a young boy no more than eight with silky black hair avidly picking toys up off the carpeted living room. He was wearing a tan tunic and small brown boots. Rey’s heart was filled to bursting. It was Ben! She knelt beside him, studying his freckles and the shape of his hands. Yes, it was him! A grin spread across her lips. She reached out to touch him, but her hand passed right through his shoulder. He continued cleaning the room without glancing her way. 

“Rey.”

Turning, Rey spotted her Ben standing close by, offering her his hand. She took it and let him pull her to her feet. “Look at you!” She whispered, motioning at the child. She could see in Ben’s eyes that he remembered this moment fondly. 

“This was before they told me about Luke training me,” Ben explained. “I thought I’d get to stay here forever, with my mother baking poorly, and my father…” He trailed off.

Rey stared at him. “Where was he?”

“Working.” Ben’s eyes flickered. “He didn’t feel comfortable living this way. He worked often to cope.”

“He missed being a smuggler?”

“No.” Ben looked at her finally. “He was afraid to be happy. It’s what eventually ended their marriage.”

Rey took his face in her hands as the ghost of his childhood self faded away. “Ben, what happened?” She whispered. “I felt your pain.”

Ben covered her hands with his own and touched their foreheads together, closing his eyes. “I was weak. I’m sorry I frightened you.”

“Don’t shut me out,” Rey said. “Tell me what happened.”

Ben drew back to look at her. He seemed to be considering it. Taking her hands from his face, he led her to the window, where she could see his backyard. It was littered with toys and contraptions. “Luke used to send me little robots to play with - ones he built by hand,” Ben said. “I would sometimes destroy them on purpose. I regretted it afterwards, but sometimes I just couldn’t help myself.” He was looking far away, somewhere she couldn’t see. “But he never got mad. My mother did, of course, but never Luke. He was always kind to me, even in his pride.” He squeezed her hand. “... I couldn’t see my future anymore, being back there. I wanted it to be over. I panicked.”

Rey stared at him. “You wanted what to be over?”

“Everything,” Ben whispered. “All of this. Me.”

“Ben-”

“I’m fine now,” he interrupted. “...I saw my father.”

“You saw…?” Rey felt cold. He’d seen Han?

Ben nodded. “He came to me, right when my attack was at its worst. He told me that… that he saw my future. That it was full of light.” Tears glinted in his eyes, but he blinked them away quickly. “I don’t know if I believe him or not. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life. But what I do know is that I can’t die until I’ve atoned for my sins.”

“Thankfully, that means you’ll be alive for a long, long time,” Rey pointed out.

Ben’s eyes were smiling when he looked at her. “Yes.” He leaned down to kiss her, and she felt his lips across the galaxy. “Rey,” he said. “I want to give you everything.” He drew back and looked into her eyes. “Tell me what you want.”

Slowly, Rey shook her head. Now she felt tears pricking her own eyes. “You, Ben,” she whispered. “I just want you to come home - I don’t need anything else.”

“Rey…” He wrapped her in a tight embrace. “You are my home.”

She held onto his neck, pushing her face into his shoulder, inhaling the scent of him, and she couldn’t imagine the world without him in it. “I love you. Come back safe.”

Ben kissed her hair. “I know. And I will.”

* * *

  
  


The time came. Early the next morning, Ben pulled aside a pair of stormtroopers covertly, and waved his hand in front of their masks. “You will cause a temporary blackout now and then forget all about this,” he said, his voice layered with the force. The stormtroopers straightened up. “I will cause a temporary blackout now and then forget all about this,” they said in unison. He watched them turn and head towards the breaker room for just a moment before he continued nonchalantly on his walk. They just looked like they were avoiding him. Ben didn’t allow himself a smirk yet. His black cape fluttered out behind him; thankfully, he had plenty of clothes to change into here, and he’d made sure these were tracker-free. He felt more comfortable behind his black clothes than he did in his Jedi robes. Still, he supposed that he hadn’t had much chance to get used to them. Maybe someday. 

Ben rounded a corner and began to pass the door he needed. Then, as he stepped passed it, the entire ship went dark. It was now or never. He tore open the panel and manually opened the door with a crank just enough to slip through. Once inside, he did exactly what he needed to do and slipped out, cranking the door closed again, just as the emergency backup generators turned on. Red light covered the halls. 

Ben stepped onto the bridge, feigning fury. “What the hell happened?” He demanded.

Hux, looking dumbfounded, was staring at the security tapes. “Two troopers just… shut down the main grid,” he said in disbelief. 

Ben stood beside him and watched the force-controlled stormtroopers do exactly as he instructed, emergency shutting down the entire ship with a series of manual controls. They came to their senses as the red light filled the ship, but by then the damage was done. Ben felt a tug of regret as a team of troopers came to arrest them. He shut off the screens. “Put them in an interview chamber. I’ll handle this.” 

His redheaded nemesis gave him a look. “Don’t you think security can handle…?”

Ben turned to him angrily, making the other man flinch.

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Hux said sheepishly. “Right away.”

Flaring his nostrils, Ben stalked out again. Hux was such a rat. He was actually angry now and it annoyed him; he was supposed to be faking. Being in these shoes again was not good for him. He headed right down to the interview rooms, where security had strapped the traitors to vertical medical tables and removed their helmets. “Leave us,” Ben said, and the security detail marched outside and shut the door. He waited for their footsteps to fade before turning to the stormtroopers. 

The first trooper was a stocky woman with a shock of blonde hair and angry black eyes. The second was a young man with a soft face, and big scared brown eyes. Ben raised his eyebrow. He’d almost forgotten how terrified they were of him. 

“What possessed you two to shut down the main power grid?” He asked.

“We have no idea,” the man cried. “Please, don’t kill us!”

“Baby,” the woman muttered. 

Ben stared at them. “The rebels sent you, didn’t they?” 

The woman snapped to attention. “No way - I’d rather die than let that scum tell me what to do!”

“M… Me too…” The man sniffed.

Actually starting to enjoy himself, Ben folded his arms. He’d just come here to make sure they really had forgotten but now watching them squirm was kinda funny. He kicked himself. They didn’t do anything wrong, he should really let them go. 

“You don’t look so tough.” The woman eyed him. “I could take you.”

Ben stared at her deadass. “I could slice you into ribbons.”

“With what?” She mocked. 

Ben glanced down at his empty hip and then up at her, amused. “I don’t need a lightsaber for that.” He turned to go. “Two weeks in solitary confinement. Don’t let me see your faces ever again.” 

As he left, he could feel them looking at him, mind-boggled. Kylo Ren not torture someone? They probably thought he was sick. Ben rubbed his face and behind his hand he finally allowed himself a smirk. Everything was falling into place.


	9. Chapter 9

Ben sat with Rey on a space port dock, overlooking a vast unknown city at sunset. It was the combination of a few of Ben’s memories and Rey’s imagination - at least, it seemed that way. He had never seen this city before and Rey wasn’t very well traveled yet. The breeze was cool, tugging at their hair and clothes, blowing firmly at this high altitude but not unsettling, and the sun’s fading rays warmed their faces. The dock was cool beneath them. Ben looked down at himself and saw that he was finally in his Jedi robes. He felt at ease. Relief washed over him; so it was possible for him to change, and be comfortable in a Jedi’s shoes. He glanced over at Rey to see her reaction and his heart skipped a beat as their eyes met. Her hair was bound back by a single braid. The usual white wrappings she wore had been replaced by a brown pantsuit with a tan sash; it defined her more femininely, hardening her edges and softening her figure. Her smile was full of light. 

“How long now?” Ben asked, glancing from her lips to her eyes. She was positively glowing. 

“Not long.” Rey lifted her hand and tucked his hair behind his ear. “These robes really suit you.”

Ben’s eyes flickered, his face unreadable. He was still hiding his emotions from her by force of habit. “You preferred the cut-off shirt and trousers, if I remember correctly,” he replied.

Laughing, Rey leaned back. “You looked so much like Han.”

“That’s not encouraging.”

“It should be! He was handsome, too.” She studied his face. “You look pale, Ben. How are you holding up?”

He leaned into her touch as she placed a hand on his cheek. “I’m consistently pale.”

“Ben.”

“I’m alright.” He paused. “How are you and… Finn?”

She gave him a hard look. “Don’t say it like that.”

Ben felt a stab of regret. “I’m sorry. I just…” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “You know.”

Rey tugged at his sleeve. She made a motion to lay down. He looked at her, studying her eyes, and then he obediently lay along the edge of the dock with his head in her lap, looking up at her face framed by the stars. She brushed her fingers through his hair, sending ripples of pleasure down his spine. He stared at her wistfully. She was like a desert flower in bloom.

“I miss you, too,” she said finally, sighing. “We’ll be together again soon. Just take care of yourself, will you?”

He felt the warm cushion of her legs, and the drag of her fingertips along his scalp, and wanted to rest here forever. “I’m not sure I know what that means.”

Rey put a hand over his heart. Ben covered it with his own, wishing wearily that this were real. “Eat. Drink. Sleep,” she elaborated. “Be mindful of your thoughts - think only good things. Have hope. And I’ll see you soon enough.”

“How much longer?” Ben pressed.

“Four days. We’ll be ready by then.”

Ben closed his eyes. “Good.” 

* * *

  
  


Red light bathed Rey as she knelt by a ship dashboard, desperately rewiring the controls. She ripped out a red wire and threw it over her shoulder. Finn dodged it. “Rey!” He warned. “We don’t have much time!”

“I know,” Rey called over the blaring alarms. “Just one more-” She touched two wires and the alarm shut off. The red light vanished, replaced by fluorescence, and she and Finn gave a sigh of relief in unison. Rey got to her feet. “Strap in.”

Finn obeyed wordlessly, sitting in the copilot’s chair, pale and sweating. 

Rey buckled herself into the pilot’s chair and started the engine, charging the warp drive right away. “Let’s get out of here.”

“If we miss the rendezvous…” Finn warned.

“I know, I know!” Rey pulled a lever and the ship lifted off the ground, the landing gear folding away. They shot into the sky. Behind them, angry locals shot at their backside, blaster shots deflecting off their hull. “We’ll make it back to the Falcon in time, just relax!”

Finn was gripping the dash white-knuckled. “We better!”

Two ships with red stripes followed them into the atmosphere, and Rey spotted her com light flashing. She turned communications on. “Quite an exit,” Came a crackling voice. 

“Coordinates?” Came another. 

Rey grinned. “Yavin 4,” she replied, watching the warp drive charge. “See you in four days!”

* * *

  
  


The star destroyer orbited Chandrila. Ben stared down at it through the viewscreen, hands clasped behind his back, face clouded, and wondered how big of a crater his ship had left on the beach. He imagined the place of his rebirth forever scarred. He swallowed. Rey’s words still echoed through his mind. _“Be mindful of your thoughts.”_

Mindful. Ben shut his eyes and forced the negativity out of his head. He thought hard about the joy he’d felt the second Rey had stepped down the Falcon’s descending ramp onto the sand. He thought about the warm sunlight, the crash of the waves, and the cool quiet of the night, and the crackle of the fire. He flinched. The fires of the burning Jedi temple. Luke’s flash of violence - pushing him to want to kill his own nephew. The storm. Ben heard thunder rumbling across the sky, and he sucked in a sharp breath as he opened his eyes again. Frustration clenched his heart. He still couldn’t rid himself of the dark.

Turning, he went to pace the halls, deep in thought. No one here was force sensitive - that much he knew - so he didn’t have to shield his thoughts, but he did anyway, just in case. It was difficult trying to change _and_ wear his Kylo Ren persona. Both sides of him were still in deep conflict. Half of him wanted to give up his fight towards the light; the other half of him would do anything to live to see the future his father wanted for him. Love. Family. Happiness. For so long, he had abandoned these things, trapped in his tunnel vision of galactic conquest, that they tasted bitter in his mouth, like a bad joke. He scowled. So much of himself had been neglected and left to rot that he knew he would have to start over from scratch. It was time to let all that old shit go. 

Ben paused on a maintenance bridge over the warp core. All around him the gigantic room rose up with its repetitive metal walls, welded together with diabolical precision, humid and haunted and black. Hot air billowed up, sending his black hair scattering around his flushed face. He put his hand on the railing and looked over the edge. He’d killed his father on a bridge similar to this. 

Another suicidal ideation seized him. His brain screamed at him to throw himself over the edge just to die like his father had - mercilessly by his own hand. The distance to the core below made him nauseous. Panic flooded his veins. He gripped the railing so hard that it hurt, forcing himself to ride it out rather than letting it overwhelm him. _Think about her_ , he thought. He shut his eyes and saw Rey’s smile in the light of a sunset, her brown hair like a halo around her pretty face, her taste as she leaned in to kiss him, and the acidic love he had for her dripped over his insides, hungrily devouring all of the darkness. 

Suddenly, his panic and desire to die passed like a retreating tsunami. What replaced it was foreign to him. He touched his chest, blinking rapidly. Somehow he didn’t feel so heavy anymore. Ben looked up to the ceiling and wondered for the first time if his father could see him, still.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“So,” Finn said, breaking the thoughtful silence Rey had instilled in them the past twenty-four hours. “You’re really okay with everything?”

“Hm?” Rey looked up in a daze. She’d clearly been far away. The console before her glittered with brand new buttons, the stolen ship brand new and gleaming. She was consumed with their plans to defeat the empire. “Sure, I suppose, but what do you mean?”

Finn was leaning against the bulkhead behind her, eating a ration. He paused before taking another bite. “Dating Ben. Seriously, I mean. You’re okay with that?”

Rey felt dread creep into her belly. Somehow, they’d avoided this subject for the two weeks it had taken them to gather the rebels recruits from all over the galaxy. If she had managed to avoid it for another few days she would have been blessed with relief. Unfortunately, Finn had other plans. “I obviously am,” she replied. “Why would you ask me that?”

“Because he’s evil.” Finn took another bite, shrugging. 

Rey turned her seat to face him. Her face was like stone. “Ben is _not_ evil.”

“Sorry, _was_ evil.”

Opening her mouth to protest, Rey hesitated. She eased to sit back in her seat. Their eyes locked. “This isn’t about Ben. This is about you.”

Finn paled. “No, this is definitely about Ben.”

“No,” Rey snapped. “It isn’t. You and I agreed that whatever happened between Ben and I was none of your business, yet you continue to bring it up. This is clearly about you.” She motioned to him. “You made it seem like you would respect my decision. Why can’t you trust me, Finn?”

“I don’t trust _him,”_ Finn snapped. 

“Finn.” Rey stood up, facing him. “I know how you feel about me.”

Finn blanched. 

Rey studied him affectionately. “I understand. I do. But even if I did feel the same way, Ben _needs_ me. You don’t.” 

Finn shook his head avidly. “I can’t stand by and let you make that mistake!”

“Loving Ben is not a mistake.”

“Yes, he is!” Finn insisted. “He has hurt you - hurt _us!_ \- and tried to kill you every time you met on the battlefield, with no hesitation. How can you trust him? How can you let him in like that?”

Rey touched his arm. “Ben _did_ hesitate. He always hesitated, it just wasn’t always clear to us. He just needed guidance. It’s always been my destiny to bring him back to the light - there’s nothing you can say that could ever change that - but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you too, Finn. You’re my best friend.”

He hesitantly touched her hand, his dark eyes filled with hurt. “...I know.”

“Good. I’d definitely still die for you, you know.”

Finn cracked a smile. “Same here, Rey.”

“And besides…” Rey grinned. “Poe is lovesick over you! I could never compete.”

Throwing up his hands, Finn stalked away. “THE TWO OF YOU!” 

Rey jogged after him. “Come back!”

Now Finn was really flustered. He brushed her off, pacing the room with Rey dodging his heels. “I can’t understand him,” he muttered. 

“What? Why?”

“He kept saying ‘It’s no big deal’ like he hadn’t just said ‘I love you’ ten seconds earlier!” Finn cried. “Poe said, ‘I love you, but you know… it’s no big deal! We can just be friends!’ Who says it like that?! And who keeps that shit bottled up?!”

Rey covered her mouth so he didn’t hear her snickering. “You?”

Finn dragged a hand down his face. “Shut up.”

Grabbing his shoulder, Rey stopped Finn, and she made him face her. “Listen to me.” Rey met his eyes. “Poe is a moron. But all he talks about is _you,_ Finn. When you see him again, ask him how long he’s been in love with you. I guarantee you’ll like his answer.”

Finn sighed angrily. “I don’t want to know.”

“But why?” Rey pressed. “He’s handsome, kind, brave - what’s not to like?”

“I’m not over you,” Finn said. 

“I know.” Rey smiled at him. “But he can help.” 

Suddenly, Finn squinted at her suspiciously. “Did he give you a script?”

“...No?”

“You hesitated.”

“Finn, listen…”

“HE DID, DIDN’T HE?! THAT KRIFFIN’-”

“NO, FINN, WAIT HE REALLY DIDN’T-”

* * *

  
  


On the night of the third day, Ben was waiting for Rey patiently in his dreams. Somehow, he had managed to fashion something specific this time - a dream of his hopes for the future. His body, mind, and soul were at ease. He was in a white robe with a black sash, and a black cloak bound around his shoulders with a simple knot, the soft texture of the robe and the comfortable weight of the cloak giving him security. Across a pastoral field he could see a simple cabin with lit windows glowing in the dim light of the evening. It was fenced in by beautiful trees that waved gently in the wind. A black horse grazed nearby. Sheep dotted the hills, baying softly.

Barefoot beside a massive lake, the green grass up to his calves, Ben stared down at his reflection. He looked strange with his hair trimmed neatly and swept out of his face. Who was this clean, unshaven man? Ginger fingertips touched his face. The short black beard on his face was coarse. Hopefully Rey wouldn’t mind, because he found that it suited him.

Ben looked down at his hands. Clenching them did not fill him with anger as it once might have. His old wounds had healed at last. The roiling conflict of his heart had become a cool, calm stream where lava had once scorched him, soothing his scars and leaving him quenched. When he took a breath there was no longer a suffocating weight on his chest. Ripened wheat, grass, and dirt offered him the scent of peace, the moonlight offering him serenity. 

Ben looked to the stars and felt a stab of longing for this life. Tears pricked his eyes. This was not the way of the Jedi. It was the way of earthen men. 

“Ben?” 

Turning, Ben smiled, absorbing the enamored surprise on Rey’s face when she saw him. She appeared to like this version of him as much as he did. He held out his hand and she took it. Rey embraced him tightly. She was also in a long white robe with a black sash, her plait braided with a single white ribbon, and the smell of grass and lilac wafted off her as he stroked her hair. He held her fast. “Rey,” he said. “What do you think of this?”

She spoke, muffled, into his chest, determined to hold him. “Of you, or this place?”

Ben kissed her hair. “Both.”

“I love it.”

“Sorry,” he teased. “There’s no sand here except at the beach.”

Rey pulled back to look into his face. “I can live with that.” She kissed him, her love covering him like a veil, and touched his face tenderly. When their lips parted her eyes flickered open again. “I like it. The beard.”

Ben’s heart swelled. “Good.”

“Where are we?” Rey asked, glancing back at the cabin. “Is that our’s?”

“I think we’re on Naboo,” Ben said. “And yes, I believe so.”

She looked at him with stars in her eyes. “I want to see it.”

Nodding, Ben took her hand. “Lead the way.” 

They walked hand in hand through the field, passing patches of wildflowers and bushes dotted with berries, the moonlight making everything look like freshly polished silver. The night air was crisp and damp. As they reached the dirt path leading to the cabin, the horse a few meters away lifted its head, chewing as it watched them pass. It’s ears flickered. Ben stared at it as they stopped before the doorway; he’d never seen a horse in person. Rey probably hadn’t either, but she was absorbed with the cabin. The front door was heavy wood, hand carved, with a stained glass window portraying the rising sun. A soft creak followed the turning of the doorknob. Ben looked inside, hovering with Rey just outside. It was fully furnished. Everything was green and blue, with handwoven rugs on the hardwood floors, lit candles along the walls, and heavy wooden furniture. Dried herbs hung in every room. The plates on the kitchen table were ceramic and simple. They shut the door behind them, wandering each room carefully. 

“Have you been here before?” Rey asked quietly, touching the ornate carvings on the wall. 

“Never,” Ben said. It was useless to ask if she had; clearly, she hadn’t. 

“No one is home.”

“Probably because it’s _our_ home,” Ben pointed out. He pushed open a door behind a cramped, fully stocked kitchen, and saw that it was a bedroom with a king sized mattress. It was the first thing besides an extra long military cot he’d ever seen that he would properly fit on. He touched the down quilt, cotton sheets, and the solid carved bed frame, imagining himself waking up every morning comfortable and safe. It seemed impossible. This was more than a dream - it was a fantasy world. He felt Rey looking at him and glanced up at her. “What is it?” He asked.

Carefully, hand over hand, Rey began to undo her braid, a coy smile on her face. “Sit down.”

Ben warily obeyed. The mattress gave gently under his weight. She was up to something, and he wasn’t so sure he minded. He arched an eyebrow as she let her white ribbon trail to the floor. “A braid suits you. But I prefer your hair like this,” he said, running her hair through his fingers as she drew closer. “You look good in white.”

“I’ve never seen you look so handsome,” Rey said. “Stay still.”

“Why…?” Ben trailed off as Rey undid the knot holding up his cloak, letting it fall away. He looked at her sharply. Adrenaline pierced his veins. “Rey.”

“Relax. Everything is fine.” Rey loosened his sash, and he let her push the robe off his shoulders, too. Ben swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing, as Rey touched his bare chest, sending sparks across his skin. His heart took off like a racehorse. It thudded hard against his ribcage. She drew in close to him, maddeningly close, and kissed his neck. A fever seized him. Ben grasped her sash and slid it off, letting it drift onto the floor. He pushed the robe from her shoulders, eagerly touching the soft flesh of her bare shoulders and arms, and kissed her passionately. “Ben,” she whispered against his mouth, pressing her bare chest against his in a loving embrace, his hands pushing hungrily across her back. Her robe slid to the hardwood floor in a pile, their bodies moving together, lovingly, erotically, in the warmth and in the night.

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

When Ben woke on the fourth morning, he could still feel Rey’s hot love on his skin, and he was breathless. That kind of experience hadn’t been real - but he swore to himself that he would make every aspect of it a reality someday. He rose and showered, feeling dirty but satisfied. It was time. Today was the day of reckoning. The black clothes felt foreign today; the cape heavy and ready to be freed from his throat. Still he dressed, still he hid his anticipation - still, he was ready. No one had any idea of his deceit. Even Hux had been off his back since his return. Ben looked at himself in the mirror. He didn’t shave. The awkward stubble had already begun; without smiling, afraid to show his happiness in this place, he pictured the white robes and the beard. That was his true future. He turned from the mirror and left the cold, stale air of his room for the last time. 

\-------

Rey stood in the shadow of the Falcon with her arms stiffly crossed over her chest. Only the presence of the general prevented her anxious pacing. The ships were gathering food and water, prepping for battle on a deserted planet. It was only a matter of time now. At her side, Chewy was fiddling with his blaster, unable to conceal his anxiety. Briefly Rey wondered where Finn and Poe were. She glanced to the lowered ramp of the Falcon. They’d been missing since this morning. 

“General,” she spoke up suddenly. “Where are Finn and Poe?”

General Leia shook her head wearily. “They were arguing first thing. I told them to clear their heads and come back - we don’t have room for drama on this mission.” 

Rey nodded absently. Arguing about love, probably. She reached out for Ben with her mind and almost didn’t recognize the wavelength of his mind - it was bright, light, and brilliant. It’s warmth emanated into her bones. She was comforted immediately. “Ben is ready,” she said.

“Good.” General Leia laced her fingers behind her back. “We move in one hour. If you see the terrible two, let them know.” 

They watched Leia board their head ship, the wind from their engine turbines billowing out their clothes as it lifted off. It rose into the atmosphere as if by magic and lifted away into the clouds. Rey turned to Chewy. “I’m going to find them. They can’t be far.” Chewy gave a sound of agreement and went to prep the ship for departure as she turned into the trees. Prickling with adrenaline, ripe with it, Rey plunged headlong into the forest of this small planet they’d regrouped on. She heard the sound of Finn’s agitated voice off to her left.

Changing course to follow it, Rey picked her way over a few fallen logs before spotting a small clearing where Finn stood admonishing Poe, who stood silent, his arms tightly crossed and his face unreadable. 

“I can’t believe you,” Finn was shouting. “How can you just stand there? How can you be so calm about this?!”

“Finn…” Poe looked up fearfully as Rey stumbled into the clearing. “Did Leia leave already?” He asked in a restrained tone.

“Yes.” Rey looked between her two friends. “You two are being ridiculous about this whole thing - can’t you see that?”

Finn got in her face with an accusing finger. “If not for your boyfriend, sith boy, we wouldn’t have this problem!”

“Yes we would.” Poe sighed. He rubbed a hand down his face. “I don’t know what you want from me, Finn. You know how I feel. I know how you feel.” He shot a short jealous glance at Rey, but it faded immediately. “Let’s just agree to be friends, okay?”

“How can you feel love that way?” Finn demanded. 

“I don’t, okay?!” Poe snapped, turning to pace the small grassy area. “I just can’t take it anymore - I can’t stand the way you look at me, with so much goddamn pity!” He cried, whirling on Finn. “Stop with the pity, the anger, the pushing - it’s clearly not getting us anywhere!”

Rey walked over and touched Poe’s shoulder to calm him. He was shaking. She looked at Finn. “Let it go, Finn,” she demanded. “You’re punishing him for being cooperative. It has to end.”

“You don’t understand,” Finn said in a low voice. “Ben loves you with his entire being.”

Poe and Rey fell silent. Searching Finn’s face, Poe shook his head imperceptibly. Confusion roiled around in his heart. 

Finn’s eyes glinted with unshed tears. “How can you love me like that?” He whispered. “So passively...?”

Poe turned bright red. “Passively?” He stepped forward angrily, grabbing Finn by his lapel. “I love you passionately, ardently - so intensely that sometimes I can’t eat or sleep for days,” he cried. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to agree with him. “I’m being passive for you - because I know that you don’t love me!” Now Finn was speechless. Rey’s jaw dropped. Poe, still shaking, pulled Finn even closer. “If I kiss you now, will this end?” He asked in a low voice. 

“Yes,” Finn managed.

So, Poe kissed him hard, his anger morphing into desire, and Finn stood there frozen in shock. To break the kiss, Poe shoved him away. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stood back, panting. “Don’t ever mistake my composure for ease,” he said.

The two men stood staring at each other, one in defiance and the other in shock, for a few heartbeats. Rey approached them cautiously. “Can we move on now? Okay?” She asked them, glancing back and forth between their dark eyes. “We have a lot to do.”

“Sure,” Poe said indignantly. He brushed past Finn as he stalked back through the trees towards the Falcon. 

Rey, guiding Finn by the shoulder, walked alongside him the entire way back. “Satisfied?” She asked quietly. But he could only nod. 

\--------

“Gather the fleet,” Ben said, storming onto the bridge. 

“Supreme Leader?” Hux asked from the far side of the room by the viewscreen. His pale blue eyes were alight with surprise. “Is there a problem?”

“Yes.” Ben glared him down. “I don’t like to be kept waiting.”

Anxiously, Hux nodded to the highest ranking man at the control board. Then Hux looked back to Ben. “May I ask the purpose of this?”

“When will they be here?” Ben replied.

“Three hours time,” Hux said.

“Good. Prepare them for a speech.” Ben felt a thrill in his belly; he’d always dreamt of giving speeches like Darth Vader used to. Except now it was a jedi facing them and not a sith. He approached Hux threateningly. “No mistakes this time,” he growled. Then, satisfied at Hux’s confusion and disdain, Ben turned from the room and vanished.

\---------

Rey picked the Falcon off of the ground and began charging the warp drive. She glanced at Poe in the co-pilot’s seat. Finn was in the back inventorying their supplies; she had a feeling they wouldn’t speak for a while. “Poe,” she said quietly. “You did a good thing.”

“Did I?” Poe sounded empty. He didn’t look at her. “He hates me.”

“Just the opposite, I think,” Rey smiled. When she met Poe’s hopeful eyes, she nodded to him. “Did you see his face?” She teased.

Poe looked at the viewscreen and blushed. “I can’t believe I did that.”

“He needed the push.” Rey studied him. “He just wanted to feel the strength of your feelings, Poe. That’s all.”

“Yeah. But now what?” Poe swallowed hard.

“Now you wait,” Rey replied. “Patiently. And maybe he’ll finally understand what he’s been missing.”

Poe smirked. “Quit buttering me up.”

“Is it working?”

“Yes. Shut up.”

\---------

The fleet had gathered, decorating the sky like a child’s mobile, dangling in a compact formation. The glimmer of their silver and black hulls blocked out the sun. Ben stared out the viewscreen in fascination. Hux, at his shoulder, said nothing for a long time. The crew was all watching Ben very closely. Hux was, too. Ben had been planning what to say for a long time; the speeches of his predecessors had been instilled by fear and threats, but he had different, less obvious plans for his. He gathered his breath in his chest in preparation and nodded to Hux at last.

“Open the channels,” Hux demanded. 

The pale man at the console obeyed. “All channels open and ready,” the man said. 

“Supreme leader Kylo Ren would like to address us this day on a matter of utmost importance,” Hux said proudly. “Standby to receive our transmission.”

“All channels mark ready,” the console man said. 

“Good.” Hux glanced at Ben. “The floor is yours.” He stepped back and left Ben standing alone at the end of the bridge walk. Ben, feeling calm and at ease, waited just one heartbeat longer, watching a console clock turn noon on the dot. His dark eyes slid back easily to the viewscreen.

“Begin visual transmission,” he ordered.

“Visuals now online,” the man answered immediately. 

Ben put on his coolest face. “I am Supreme Leader Kylo Ren,” he began. “I have gathered you from the far corners of the galaxy to hear this: the Empire… has been deceived.” A deathly silence gripped the crew. Ben did not falter. “The ally we have funneled so many resources into has revealed to me their true intentions - to use us to regain their former reign over the galaxy, and then to destroy us all,” he continued. “This is not the mission of the Order. Our galactic suppression includes power, protection, and order - not destruction of the resources needed to run such an empire.” A lot of men exchanged horrified glances. “The positions of power and control guaranteed to you would be worthless in a barren world. This goes against everything we believe in and have fought so hard to create. I will not allow it. And so… our plans have changed.” Ben wavered imperceptibly. “Our secondary plan will be set into motion instead.”

Hux looked horrified and perplexed. “Secondary plan?” He whispered.

“I took it upon myself to create us an army,” Ben explained. “Greater even than our fleets, to give rise to our numbers and therefore our strength. They arrive to these coordinates in three hours - you have until then to prepare for phase one. Integration.” He made a motion of finality. “Then we will end this threat to our rule in one swift victory and bring their poisonous influence to an end. Death,” he barked, “Death to Palpatine!” 

His cry began to trigger a cascading roar of agreement. Cold, unreadable, Ben turned away from the viewscreen, and the communication ended. He could still hear the thrilled cheers of his men echoing throughout the ship; but in the control room, there was silence. He met their eyes. “I can’t hear you,” he snarled. 

“Death to… Palpatine,” Hux barked obediently. Slowly, one by one, the men followed his lead, until every voice in the room had spoken. 

“Once more,” Ben said in a low voice.

The men kept their eyes on him. “Death to Palpatine,” they shouted in unison.

Bobbing his head, Ben laced his hands behind his back. “Good.” He walked slowly to the door, which slid open once he got close enough. He didn’t look back. “Be ready,” he said, and vanished.


	11. Chapter 11

Ben walked the perimeter of the ship methodically using the pattern he was used to from years of navigating these dark halls carrying his past and his future, both pulling at his heart with equal force and threatening to rip it in half. He’d finally left those days behind him. The hope he felt within him had engulfed any leftover doubts he’d harbored. He glanced at a passing trooper pair and they barked a “Sir!” at him before continuing their rounds. Ben didn’t stop. Although he wanted to pause in the moment and remember it, he knew in his heart that these days would best suit him if forgotten. 

It was almost the three hour mark once Ben finished his last lap around the ship; impassive, he returned to the bridge slowly. There was no need to rush. Everything was in place. 

The doors to the bridge slid open and Hux was immediately there, hovering about Ben as he stepped inside. “Supreme Leader,” Hux pressed. “I demand to know what army you could have amassed without my knowledge - considering all of your subspace transmissions, and your location, has been tracked at all times.” He smirked as Ben feigned angry surprise. “Yes, didn’t find all my trackers, did you? Tell me… why did I find your things buried next to a crater on Chandrila?”

That was actually surprising. So, Hux had dug up his clothes and reburied them? That explained his unease. Still, Ben refused to let this rat of a man outsmart him; the gears in his head kicked into overdrive. “Because I found the trackers,” he snapped. “I am not ignorant of your ways. And I don’t always have time for your games, contrary to your beliefs, general. There are many things about my movements that you’re unaware of,” he added, “and if I catch you bugging my clothing again, you will lose your hands.” 

He lifted his hand and propelled Hux across the room with the force - much harder than he’d meant to - smacking the redheaded man into the bulkhead. Ben lowered his hand and struggled to contain his shock. Why was his connection to the force suddenly stronger than it had been yesterday? He glanced down at his gloved hand nervously and moved away to stand in front of the viewscreen, trying to look more passive than he felt. 

The other men helped Hux to his feet. Trembling, pained, Hux motioned for them to back off. He rose uneasily to his feet and wiped blood from a cut on his temple onto his black sleeve; it was invisible on the dark fabric. He turned his arm until the wet blood shone in the florescent lights. His pale blue eyes slid up to meet Ben’s. “You have pushed me for long enough,” he hissed. He lifted a hand and the soldiers all around them went rigid. “Every man in my army will fight to kill you until their last breath. All I have to do is give the order.”

Ben was unreadable. “Can you, boy?” He smiled, and it was an eerie look paired with his cold eyes. “How?”

Hux was trembling from head to foot. His lips twisted into a snarl.

“You know better, Hux.” Ben said emptily. His fury rose from the depths of his breast, but not wild and untamable like before - it was sharp and cold now, a precise instrument of his own making. The blunt anger he used to wield was gone. He took his fury in both hands and pointed it at Hux’s throat. “They aren’t your army anymore. Are they?” He whispered. 

All around them, the soldiers slowly lifted their weapons. Hux turned to see he was staring down the barrel of a dozen blasters. His face blanched as white as paper. They knew as well as he did that killing Kylo Ren was impossible. They did not know that Ben Solo had already done so - still, his aura of power terrified them, and it always had. 

Ben glanced around the room. “Even an army of rats know a king when they see one.” He gave Hux a dismissive look. Then his gaze flickered to the viewscreen, where rebel ships began popping out of warp directly above every ship in their fleet, armed with bombers, fighters, and a hodge-podge collection of ships, scraped together from whatever was left of their homeworlds after the First Order was finished with them. 

Ben barely flinched as he sent ripples of the force tearing through the ship, activating the sleeper agents he’d influenced all over the ship. Storm troopers within five feet of a power conduit immediately turned and began firing into the mechanisms. Their comrades stood watching in horror as, within seconds, the entire ship had lost its main power connection. 

As red light from the back-up generators colored every crewmember on the bridge, Hux turned on Ben, appalled beyond belief. “Traitor,” he cried. “Kill him!”

Nobody moved. Hux looked around him wildly. “Sir,” one grunted. “We can’t move. He’s-” SNAP! Simultaneously, every soldier on the bridge jerked their heads at an unnatural angle and fell dead, necks snapped, in a cascade of dull thuds. 

Hux released a cry of terror. Slowly, Ben stepped up to him, silhouetted by the light of a thousand fires as the rebellion dropped bombs on the only First Order ships left. He picked Hux up by the throat with one large hand and held him aloft against the bulkhead. “Please,” Hux whimpered. “Spare me, oh great Supreme Leader!”

“No,” Ben said. He made a fist of the hand on Hux’s throat, crushing it like a paper lantern. Blood burst over him. Hux’s head rolled away. His body, limp, toppled and fell, pouring blood onto the floor of the bridge. Waves of bloodlust threatened to engulf Ben. The blood dripping from his gloved fingers ran down his raised arm, creeping towards him. He gasped for air. Flinging his arm to one side, he sent the blood splattering over the control consoles, alarms blaring loudly in his ears as he turned to look out the viewscreen. There was nothing but smoke and debris. 

A bolt of panic struck his heart. Where were they? He was afraid to reach out to Rey with such evil on his conscience, so instead he went to the console and locked the doors to prevent any troopers from coming onto the bridge. Then he sent out a wave of influence. Every trooper on the ship, wrestling with their seemingly traitorous comrades, running for cover, or storming the bridge, all froze in place. Ben shut his eyes. Go, he pushed. 

Every single trooper turned and headed for the nearest exit. Silent, suddenly stiff, one by one they each took a parachute and leapt from the opening bay doors into the sky. Thousands of them poured out of the ship and fell towards the planet’s surface. Ben watched them from the viewscreen. One parachute flew open, then two, then thirty, then hundreds, until the entire population of the destroyer was drifting to the surface of the planet like snowflakes touching down on the warm November ground and melting on impact. They all made it. Every single one. 

Ben stared at them, dizzily coming to, with no weapons and no transport off the small M-class planet. They would survive. Their brainwashing would wear off after a few character-building years in abandoned space. A flash startled him; he looked up into the sky to see the Falcon descending at the nose of his destroyer, and from the pilot’s seat in the cockpit he could see the cold fear in Rey’s eyes. 

\-------

Staring into the viewscreen window, carefully pivoting the Falcon, Rey saw the blood covering Ben’s face and the strange, familiar fire burning in his eyes, and she felt terror grip her heart like a hand made of ice. He had killed again. From the looks of the bodies in the bridge room, he had killed quite a lot. “Ben,” she whispered. 

Finn leaned over her shoulder. “What happened?”

Poe and Rey sat very still. “He killed them all,” Poe whispered. “He was supposed to let them go.”

“He went back on the plan?” Finn asked anxiously. 

Rey sucked in a sharp breath as Ben opened his mind to her and she felt the intense pleasure he was feeling at the sight of blood. Rey, he said to her, they had to be killed. They would have never stopped hunting us.

And the troopers will? Rey demanded, her eyes stinging with unshed tears. 

\------

Ben shut off their connection as a banging knock resounded on the bridge doors. He glanced at the console and pressed a button, allowing the doors to slide open. Standing in the doorway was his mother. He expected to feel hot shame burning his cheeks, but he felt nothing. “It’s done,” he said. “The ship is clear.”

The rebel soldiers poured inside, warily picking their way around the bodies to the control panels. General Leia stared at Hux’s headless body. “You lied to me,” she replied quietly.

“Yes.” Ben turned away. “The main power is offline. I disabled it temporarily to distract Hux’s men - reroute it through the secondary systems, and it’ll come back online.”

“Right,” a blond girl replied, her somber features appearing haunted in the red glow of the emergency lights. She configured the power display and the alarms stopped blaring. After a few more minutes, the lights returned to normal, and they were in full control of the star destroyer. She looked up. “Power restored. We’re ready for departure on your orders, general.”

“Lay in a course,” Leia said. “Engage.”

\-------

Once they were clear of the M-class planet, the fleet came to a full stop. There were dozens of ships missing from the battle, but there was only one First Order ship remaining - and that was the star destroyer. The Falcon docked into the bay of the destroyer, along with a few other vessels with mostly burnt-out fuel reserves, and before the ramp had touched the floor, Rey was halfway across the hangar. 

At the entrance to the hangar stood Ben Solo. He looked like Kylo Ren again. His clothes were black, his eyes were haunted, and there was blood covering his handsome face. The rebels gave him a wide berth. He stayed very still and very quiet until Rey approached him through the crowd. His heart lifted. “Rey.” He called, lifting his arm. Blood had dried on his sleeve. The fresh smell of it horrified the passers-by, but Rey walked right up to him and pushed his hands away when he tried to reach out and hold her. Pain spiked his heart. “I’m sorry.”

Her eyes were cold. “Are you alright?” She asked.

“Yes.”

Rey studied him carefully. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Leading the way, Ben walked the haunted halls of the destroyer, now filled with the chatter, smells, and flashes of the rebellion. He chose a locker room for the troopers that was close by to go into. Rey was at his heels. When the doors swung closed shut behind them, he turned to face her, and they stood regarding each other closely for a moment. Something had changed between them.

“Why did you do it?” Rey asked.

“I had to.” Ben felt her mind drawing away from him and it hurt so badly that he felt like he’d been stabbed through the heart. “I couldn’t live every day in fear that they might find us someday.”

“You let the troopers go,” Rey pointed out. “Why not them?”

Ben lowered his eyes and said nothing. He had wanted to feel Hux’s life leave his body before he could be at peace with this part of his life. No one knew him, hated him, as Hux had. His malice would have found them no matter where they went.

Shockingly, Rey was holding his hand with both of her’s, and he looked up. “I understand.” She said quietly. “But Ben… it changed you.”

“Maybe.” Ben replied. He looked into her eyes and suddenly wished that she could consume him body and soul and he could become a part of her, so that he would be spared the pain of being seperated from her ever again; but he was corrupted inside. His soul was forever broken. And his sole duty as her lover was to keep that part of himself from hurting her until his dying breath. He closed himself off from her. Then, he slid his hand out from her’s, and began to remove his soiled clothing. “Did you bring them?” He asked.

Rey produced his jedi robes from the cloth bag over her shoulder. “I’ll leave them here.” She put them on one of the nearby benches, trying not to watch him undress. “I’ll be on the bridge with the general.”

“Stay.”

She looked up at him sharply. He let his tunic fall to the floor. He was big and beautiful and miserable. She could feel the fear in him, fear of losing her., and it took her words away.

Ben swallowed. “Please.”

Slowly, Rey sat down on the bench beside his robes, their eyes locked. “Okay,” she managed. “Okay, I’ll stay.”

“Thank you.” Ben had to tear his eyes away from her. He moved to step into the shower stall, turning on the hot water. As steam filled the room he draped the rest of his clothes over the dividing wall between the lockers and the showers and stepped underneath the boiling hot stream. He let it sting his body with burning hot droplets, the blood on his face mixing with the water and swirling away down the drain. The soap removed the stains from his skin. His hair slicked back, revealing his ears for once, which stuck out slightly and were dotted with freckles. When he was finished washing his body, he still felt dirty. 

The tip of his feelings shied away from Rey’s consciousness as she tried to gauge his state of mind. The faucet squeaked as he turned off the water. He chose a clean towel from the shelf in the stall to dry himself. “I’m sorry,” he said in the sudden silence of the echoing room. “I know I disappointed you.” 

“You cut yourself off from me so that I won’t feel what you feel,” she answered emptily. “The pleasure that death brings you.”

“Yes.” There was no point in hiding it. Ben stepped out of the stall with the towel around his waist. He’d tousled his hair to hide his ears, and his eyes. He peered at her through the mop of his black hair and held out his hand. “Does it frighten you?”

“No,” she answered honestly. “It makes me pity you.” Rey sat staring at him, her eyes like daggers. “I still love you, Ben.”

“Do you?” Ben let his hand drop. 

Rey paused. “I’m not sure you’re ready for these robes.”

Ben nodded carefully. “What do you propose?”

“Look at them,” Rey said, pointing at his bloody clothes. He looked at them impassively. His sin had left quite a stain. “That isn’t you anymore, Ben. You were wearing Kylo Ren like a costume. Don’t you remember why you left this life? Why this is finally going to be over?”

Ben looked at her like she was the god of creation. “Yes.”

“Then why did you let Kylo control you?” Rey demanded.

Sitting on the bench across from her, the towel falling to cover his modesty as his long white legs parted, he leaned his elbows on his knees and leaned to look into her face with perfect honesty. His black eyes were impassive. “I’m a killer,” he whispered. “That will always be a part of me. I enjoy killing. It’s not a switch I can flip on and off when the curtain falls and the danger has passed - it lives in me, grafted to my soul. Just like my weakness for you makes me vulnerable, the bloodlust in my heart makes me strong. It keeps me safe from my enemies,” he explained. “By ensuring that they never taste revenge.”

She was angry now and he felt it coming off of her in waves. “You’re stronger than your desire to kill,” she said through gritted teeth. 

“No.” Ben sat back. “Not yet.”

Rey threw the robes at him. By the time he’d moved them out of his way, she was gone, but the heavy metal door shut gently behind her. He stared after her for a long time. At least, he thought, she didn’t slam the door on me.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Spoilers incoming. It's been a while since Rise of Skywalker came out, but its time to integrate it here. Anyway thanks for reading! ❤

Finn stood just inside the door to the bridge of the star destroyer, watching as the rebels got their bearings in an empire ship. It was strange for him to be back here. He used to live here, faceless, nameless - lonely. He rubbed his face. He was starting to feel like a nap would be a good idea. The stress of the past few days had been tremendous. He glanced up as Rey flew by to approach the general, and Leia dismissed the others to speak to Rey alone. Finn followed them out into the hall, watching the door shut behind him regretfully, his heart heavy.

What would they do about Ben, he wondered? He’d defied orders to let the entire crew live. The way they’d found him on the bridge had been scary as hell - what kind of guy trying to convert to the light slaughtered an entire room full of people, anyway? I mean, evil people, but still. Personally, Finn thought that Ben couldn’t be changed. He was a sith deep down. A lifetime of darkness couldn’t be swept away just because Rey wanted it to be; if he was going to start being less evil, that was a good place to start, but it took a lot more than falling in love to mold a new man. 

Turning away, he headed for the hangar. The only place he felt safe on this entire ship was the Falcon. No one would bother him there. He yawned widely, covering his mouth to cover it up, but the exhausted rebels swarming around him began yawning as well. They exchanged tired smiles and continued without stopping. Finn smiled to himself as he moved past them. They were all tired. Thankfully, the battle had gone extremely well. It was just them now. 

Still, there was no time to celebrate. Now they had to take out Exegol - the planet where Palpatine was hiding - and they still had no idea where it was. The others were working hard to find clues to its location. Finn decided to leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow’s Finn. 

Yawning, Finn climbed the ramp to the Falcon and headed for the bunks at the rear of the ship. The echo of his footsteps was louder now that the engine was silent. Everything was silent here. With a sigh, Finn shut the bunk door behind him and stumbled to a cot in the dark, collapsing onto it. He was asleep in seconds.

\-------

When Finn woke, it was late. No one had come to rouse him. He was a bit surprised, but he wasn’t complaining. He felt amazing. A nap was just what he needed. He kicked out of sleep as though it were a thick wet curtain trying to drag him back and rubbed sleep from his eyes avidly. He should check on Rey. 

He paused. What was that noise? He squinted in the dark, but he couldn’t tell where it was coming from. It sounded almost like… breathing. A chill went down his spine. Who was in here with him? Finn moved very carefully to the light switch across the room, his boots barely making a sound on the metal floor, and flipped on the lights. The room jumped into visibility. On the bunk above where he’d been sleeping, someone rolled over, groaning as they woke. 

“The hell?” Poe grumbled, lifting himself up on his elbow to squint at Finn. “What the hell?” He repeated grumpily. “We under attack or something?”

Finn stared at him. Poe was sleepy and disheveled, wearing just a simple white shirt and thick pilot pants, both clean for once. The smell of his musky cologne touched Finn’s nose rather than sweat and metallic grease. Something about how soft he looked surprised Finn. Poe always seemed rough, even grouchy, to him - or dirty, as he was covered in engine grit most of the time - but it was hard to describe exactly what feeling it gave Finn to see him this way. He tried to put his finger on it.

“Finn?” Poe rubbed his eyes and blinked at him. “Hello! You go deaf all of a sudden?”

“No,” Finn said defensively. There it was; normal grumpy Poe. “Sorry, I didn’t think anyone else was in here.”

“I thought I heard you come in.” Poe ran a hand down his face. “I guess we both needed some sleep. What time is it?”

“20:00. We probably missed dinner.”

Shrugging, Poe swung down out of the bunk, smothering a yawn. “That’s fine. I can barely fit my ass in that pilot seat anyway.” He stretched and looked at Finn carefully. “You okay, bud?”

Finn shook his head. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.” Poe put his hands on his hips. Looking away, Finn just kept shaking his head. Then it came to him - Poe looked like a dad! He sure acted like one: always grumping around, fixing things, and doing crazy impulsive shit just because he could. A smile cracked his facade and he laughed softly. It wasn’t a very convincing ‘I’m fine’ laugh. Poe nudged him, his brow furrowed. “Speak,” he said.

“Sorry.” Finn smiled at him, surprising them both. “It’s been a long time since I saw you relax. I guess I was just surprised.”

The tips of Poe’s ears reddened. Clearly, he was pleased. “Yeah, well, we don’t get much chance to relax, do we?” He hesitated. “You wanna check on Rey? I’m not so sure how well she’s handling Ben’s little massacre.” 

“Yeah, let’s do that.” Finn fixed his rumpled clothes hastily, trying to avoid looking as Poe tied on his boots. It was like watching someone else’s husband get dressed and go to work. It was weird, but that’s what it felt like to watch Poe like this. It was… Finn sighed internally. It was frustrating to try and figure out why he was even thinking about Poe like he was married, or a dad, or whatever, but he didn’t want to think about it anymore. He pushed those thoughts away.

Poe eyed him as though he could read minds. He didn’t say anything, probably afraid to start another fight, but he must have known something was up. His supple chest puffed out as he pulled on his jacket and made his way to the door. “Where do you think she’ll be?” He asked.

“Who knows?” Finn muttered. “Anywhere Ben is, probably.”

Poe nodded. “Probably. Come on.” He patted Finn on the shoulder and led the way down the ramp to the hangar. Finn noticed Poe tousle his bed head and it immediately resumed its normal shape. How did he do that? Magic? 

No one was really around. A few rebels were guarding the ships, sitting around a pot of soup and playing cards, but there was no one in the hallways anymore. They headed to check the bridge. Only the control crew was there monitoring the ship. Poe asked them where everyone was, and the blond woman at the front of the room told them that most people were repairing the ship or asleep. “Leia is resting right now, in a bunker down the hall,” she said. “ But I wouldn’t wake her.”

“Right, sure.” Poe and Finn left the bridge, stepping synchronously down the creepy corridor. Poe made a face. “I hate to think of her forgiving him.”

“Who, Rey?” Finn asked. 

“Yeah.”

“...Yeah, I know.” 

“He doesn’t belong here,” Poe said quietly. “We should’ve dumped his ass on that M-class planet along with the other trash.”

“Stop it,” Finn replied. “You know Leia is glad to have her son back. And Rey loves him. That’s enough for me, you know? I don’t like the guy, and I definitely don’t trust him, but…” He sighed. “You know.”

Poe glanced at him. “You should hate the guy. He took your girl, didn’t he?”

Finn shot him a poisonous look. “No one stole her. She chose him.” He stared at the floor. “She’s happy and that’s all that matters - how I feel doesn’t matter.” A hand stuck out in front of him and he stopped walking, looking up to see Poe’s normally hard eyes staring at him with restrained tenderness.

“It matters to me,” Poe pointed out. “I know you feel like shit with him around, which just makes it harder to not want him gone, but we all respect Rey - that’s why he’s still here. Nobody would let him stay if she didn’t love him. Not even Leia. But… don’t talk like she doesn’t care how you feel, Finn. We both care.”

Finn nodded absently. His chest was filling up with some kind of new feeling. He was afraid if he tried to talk again that it would all spill out. 

“We love you, buddy,” Poe pressed. He squeezed Finn’s arm. “So don’t look so bummed, okay?”

A stab of affection pierced Finn’s mood. “Thanks, Poe,” he managed. 

Smiling, Poe pulled him forward a bit and they kept walking, side by side. Finn was relieved when those kind eyes weren’t on him anymore; they made him feel weird things. He focused on finding Rey. The two of them scoured the ship from tip to tail, but she was nowhere to be found. Finn pointed out his old stomping grounds as they went. The men exchanged a few snatches of banter. After a while, the tension between them eased, and Finn was feeling like himself again. 

\------

Ben stood in the observation room overlooking the hangar. His jedi robes felt strange after being Kylo Ren for four days straight; he couldn’t tell if Kylo had been pretending to be Ben, or if it was really the other way around, and that scared him a bit. He knew Kylo would always be with him. That side of his soul would always be black, always be hungry for power, and always feel bloodlust, but he’d known that all along. His love for Rey was changing him, yes. But not all at once. He wished that she could understand that he was afraid to change. 

He noticed Finn and Poe come out of the Falcon together with fleeting surprise. They were bound to end up together. Finn needed to get over Rey, and Poe was desperate to fill that gap in his heart. It was almost funny. No, he tried to think. They’re Rey’s friends. It’s not funny that they’re in conflict. 

He shut his eyes and tried to reach out to find Rey. They hadn’t spoken since her outburst in the locker room. Ben knew she needed her space, but he had missed her dearly, and needed to be near her. He felt her presence just outside the door. Lifting a hand, he pressed a button on the hangar control panel and opened the door for her, turning to face what must be her wrath. 

Rey’s eyes were red-rimmed from crying and her nose looked raw, as though she’d used sandpaper as a tissue. When the door opened she looked neither surprised nor disappointed. Ben saw her pain, felt it in his breast, and a tsunami of emotions filled his lungs. “Have I caused you pain?” He asked. She nodded, wordless, and he couldn’t help himself. He crossed the room in two steps to engulf her in his arms and wrapped her up in his love, pressing his cheek to her hair. Her lithe figure fit perfectly against his. She trembled at his touch, but did not move. Ben squeezed her as tightly as he dared. “Forgive me,” he whispered. “Please.”

“I forgave you the second I saw you standing there, covered in blood,” she said. “I cannot understand how… but I did.” Finally, her arms moved to hold him, and he felt her hands press into the flesh of his back. She rested her cheek on his chest. “I’m afraid, Ben,” she trembled. “I need you so much, and I am so afraid of what that means.”

Ben was at a loss for words for once. He kissed her hair and hid his face in it. The smell of her, the feel of her body against his; he, too, would do anything to have her this way. He knew exactly what she meant. His lips parted. “I’m sorry to have done this to you - all of it.”

“I don’t need your apologies.” Rey drew away from him, her eyes hard. “I need your promise that this won’t continue to happen. I can’t live my life worrying that you will lose control someday and have to be put away, or sent away, or killed, even.” She gripped his arms so hard that it hurt. “You can’t do that to me again. Promise me. Never again.”

Ben nodded. “I understand.” He took both of her hands, twining their fingers together. His grip was steady. Their eyes met. “I promise you that this will never happen again.”

“Thank goodness.” Rey sighed in relief. 

“I’m sorry.” Ben winced. “I mean…”

“It’s okay. I get it - genuinely,” she added. “I’m just scared for you. I know how hard it is to change - you must be so afraid of who you’ll become. But I can’t lose you, Ben.”

Ben stared at her. She did understand. “I know,” he admitted. “Things will be different now that this part of me has no reason to resurface. I made a choice before. I will make better choices in the future.”

The curl of her smile shot an arrow through his heart. “You better.”

He bowed his head. “So… what now?”

“Now, we get some rest,” Rey replied. “The war isn’t over yet.”


	13. Chapter 13

On the way to the Falcon, Rey and Ben ran into the others. Finn and Poe were standing in the hangar by the ship, clearly out of breath and leaning against the bulkhead. “Rey!” Finn cried. “We looked for you everywhere!”

“This place is a maze,” Poe wheezed.

Rey cracked a smile. “Glad we don’t take coordinates from you lot. Did you need to talk to me about something?”

Finn and Poe exchanged a glance. Ben, bobbing his head, released Rey’s hand. “I’ll go.” His look silenced Rey’s protest. “It’s fine - I’ll be just outside.” 

The three of them watched him turn and stride calmly off. He was so soft spoken. None of them had expected this level of respect or understanding from a former sith, but here they were. Rey gave the pair of them a raised eyebrow. “I suppose I know what this is about.”

Poe sighed through his nose incredulously. “It’s not like that," he said.

"We were just worried," Finn explained. "I'm sorry. You know we aren't big fans of your emo boyfriend but this isn't about that. We know when our friend is hurting. You can talk to us about anything - even him." Poe nodded in agreement.

Rey`s wary look melted. "Thank you. Both of you." She rubbed her neck. "I would like to talk about it, but… not yet. It's too raw. Find me tomorrow morning - we can talk then, okay?"

"Sure thing, Rey. Get some sleep," Poe winked.

"I am leaving now..." Rey laughed. She hugged them both tightly before she headed back to the hall where Ben was likely brooding. 

Finn watched her go until Ben looked up. They locked eyes over Rey’s shoulder; subtly, Ben nodded, and Finn returned the gesture of truce. Once they were gone, Finn turned back to the ship. "I do hate that guy," he whispered. "But only because I know that he'll keep hurting her until he decides to change."

Poe put hand on his shoulder. "She knows." 

"Yeah." Finn began to get that feeling again. His chest was heavy, and his face was heating up, like he had a fever. Suddenly, he remembered the ferocious and passionate way that Poe had kissed him before, before all this, and it just made the feeling a hundred times worse. He glanced up. Poe was still giving him that look of barely contained tenderness. It hurt his heart. "You really keep it all bottled up, don't you?" He asked.

Poe frowned. "What do you mean?" 

"How do you do it?" Finn pressed. "Keep all that… feeling… inside?" 

A look of abashed realization dawned on Poe’s face. He put his hands on his hips and took a thoughtful step back; he couldn't look at Finn suddenly. "I don't have a choice. Do you?" He asked softly. His eyes slid back to Finn’s and they locked.

"I can't stand it when you look at me like that," Finn trembled. 

"Like what?" Poe asked defensively. 

Finn threw up his hands. "So… gentle… or whatever!" 

Poe opened his mouth and shut it again. His eyes squinted as the gears in his head struggled to turn. "Finn, do you... want me to kiss you again?"

"NO!" Finn stared at him, blushing. Poe’s eyebrows were all the way up. "I don't know! Maybe…?!" Finn groaned and stalked up the ramp of the Falcon. "I'm going back to bed." 

"No, wait!" Poe sped after him. "Come on, wait up!" He snatched Finn by the crook of his arm and held him back. “Talk to me, buddy!”

Finn faced him nervously. “I don’t know what I want right now, Poe,” he admitted.

Grinning ear to ear, Poe was elated at the glimmer of a chance to kiss Finn not once but twice in his life. He studied Finn’s face. “Give me one more chance to change your mind. Please?” He pleaded.

The puppy dog eyes threw Finn off balance. What did he want from Poe, really? He wavered. There were only two people that he loved in the galaxy: Rey, and Poe. I mean, Chewy was up there, and so was Leia, but Rey and Poe had helped him become more than just a number. They’d nurtured his individuality. They had forgiven him immediately for coming from… this place. Finn wanted to say no to this. He wanted to lock what was left of his heart into the far corners of himself and forget that it was even there; he’d already begun to bury his romantic feelings completely, so he wasn’t sure that he could transition into another romance, let alone if he wanted to. 

But right now, his heart was slamming against his ribcage just from the look of longing on Poe’s face. His own face was on fire - and something deep inside Finn wanted more than anything to say yes. His dark lips parted. “Okay,” he conceded. “But I reserve the right to change my mind at any given moment, okay?”

Poe nodded vigorously. “Of course.” 

“Good. Alright… I guess I’m ready,” Finn said quietly. 

There wasn’t a single trace of hesitation in Poe. His dark eyes glinted. He stepped forward and took Finn’s smooth brown face in his hands, passing his fingertips carefully along his flushed cheeks, and guided him into a kiss so overflowing with tenderness and love that it knocked Finn senseless. The taste of him was intoxicating. Any fears that Finn still had dissipated; he felt perfectly at ease cradled in those hands. The suffocating, intensifying feeling from before burst forth from Finn’s chest and flooded his body with sweet affection. It almost hurt to feel it. They seemed to fit together just right, as though there could be nothing more perfect than this kiss, in this moment, and it made Finn’s knees weaken. All he could think about was this incredible kiss. All he could feel was love. And all he could do was give in.

Finn didn’t know when he’d grabbed Poe by his jacket, but when they parted he was gripping the leather so hard that his knuckles ached. The look of shock and fervor on his face was statement enough for Poe. The pilot pushed his fingers into Finn’s coiled hair and touched their foreheads together, unable to keep a proud smile from curling his lips. He made a noise of curiosity. “Another?” He asked.

“Possibly,” Finn said, and Poe kissed him again. 

\----

“Don’t look so pleased with yourself. It’s ridiculous,” Finn grumbled, buttoning his shirt back up. 

Poe sat leaning against the bulkhead on Finn’s cot, legs crossed, his hair and clothes disheveled from an hour of making out with his crush. There was a stupid big smile on his face - he was practically glowing. “What?” He said absently. “I have no idea what you mean.”

Finn couldn’t help but smile at him. “Shut up.” He cried out in protest as Poe grabbed his head and kissed his cheek, hard. 

“I love you,” Poe growled. “I passionately, fervently love you, Finn - do you know that?”

Finn dissolved into laughter. “Yes, okay! Now let me go, you jerk!”   
“Good,” Poe grinned. He kissed his face one more time before he let Finn go. His shirt was askew enough to reveal the majority of his tan chest and his curly chocolate hair was a disaster. Finn reached out and tugged Poe’s shirt to fix it, giving him a look.

“I can’t believe you.”

Using whatever magic he possessed, Poe ruffled his hair to fix it, and suddenly it was perfect. “What? I’m a lover and a fighter,” he said proudly. “How do you feel about all this?”

Finn sighed, but he was still smiling. “Good.” 

Their eyes met. A comfortable silence touched them. Poe reached out and offered Finn his hand, and Finn took it. “Thanks for giving this another chance.”

“Thanks for being patient with me.” Finn shook his head. “I don’t know why I was so angry with you before. I’m sorry.” 

Poe leaned forward. “You had a lot to process. I get it.” 

“I love you, man,” Finn said. “You know that, right?”

“Of course I do.” Poe smiled. His tan handsome face brought Finn so much joy. Finn touched Poe’s cheek, pushing a stray eyelash away. Poe bit his lip. “I never thought I’d actually get to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Be with you this way. I didn’t think you… liked men.”

Finn flushed. “I mean, I didn’t really think about it,” he said. “You and Rey… I love you guys. You’ve done so much for me. I don’t have any experience in love outside of those friendships, but… I trust you.”

Poe squeezed his hand. “I’m glad.” 

\-----

Rey sat on her make-shift bunk in Ben’s room flipping through an ancient book. It was one of the sacred Jedi texts; Chewy had brought the box of them to her so she could look for clues about Exegol, but they were mostly in runes that she didn’t understand. Being in Ben’s stark white chambers onboard a star destroyer was unnerving. It made it hard to concentrate. Ben and her had talked about a lot of things in their short time together, including the fact that he hated this ship and especially this room, so she understood why he was out there pacing the ship rather than sleeping. Still, it was their best option until the mission was over.

Rey glanced at a pedestal across the room where the melted helmet of Darth Vader sat. She swallowed. Hopefully she could convince Ben to get rid of that thing. As though on cue, Ben swept through the door, looking exhausted. She sat up in surprise as he walked right up to her with a look in his eyes that always worried her. 

“What is it?” She asked. 

Ben hesitated. “I don’t think we should stay here.”

Rey shut the text in front of her and put it on top of the metal box holding the others. She regarded him carefully. “You mean on this ship?”

“Yes.”

“It’s only temporary,” Rey replied. “You’ve had a long few days, Ben. You need to rest.”

Ben glanced around. “I don’t think that I can rest here. Not after today.”

“Yes, you can.” Rey took his hand and patted her cot. “Sit.” He grunted, but he did as she said, staring at the white walls of his room. Rey tapped his arm and he looked at her with guarded eyes. “You need to release the tension that you’ve been holding in for the past few days,” she said. “There’s no need for it anymore.”

“Tension.” Ben seemed to look within himself. His eyes flickered. “You’re probably right.”

“How do you normally relax?”

“I used to meditate. Try to contact the former siths.”

Rey wrinkled her nose. “Let’s not.”

Ben lifted an eyebrow. “I don’t think I’ve flirted with you poorly since you returned.”

“Oh, not that,” Rey pleaded. 

“It relaxes me. You said to relieve tension.”

“Yes, relieve it, not give it to me!”

Ben’s tense facade cracked. He tried to contain a smirk that flashed one of his oddly sharp canines. “Okay. No flirting, then.” He released a deep breath. “I have another idea.”

“No way.”

He looked at her. “Why not?”

Rey stared at him like he was nuts. “On this ship? Here? Absolutely not.”

Ben’s eyes were playful. “I was going to suggest we meditate together.”

“Liar.”

“I don’t lie. You assumed that I meant sex.”

“Shut up!” Rey cried. “I can read your mind, remember?”

“My thoughts, yes,” Ben grinned. “Not my intentions.”

“Despicable.”

“Will you meditate with me, Rey?” 

Ben smiled, and she was so weak at the sight of it. Rey nodded and they both moved to sit in the center of the room. The floor was cold. Carefully, thoughtfully, Rey folded her legs over one another; she mirrored his posture exactly. Their eyes met. 

“Picture the green field. I’ll show you where it leads,” Ben said quietly.

Rey closed her eyes. She reached out for Ben’s mind, and felt his mind reaching out for her’s. The force connected them. It felt almost like astral projection. As they both summoned the image of the grassy field, it became solid in their mind’s eye, and they were suddenly standing in knee-deep grass swaying in a gentle breeze. The sunset sky stood frozen, unmoving, over them. Ben took her hand and she looked over to see him wearing his old padawan robes. His feelings were pained. “This isn’t a good, relaxing memory,” Rey pointed out.

“No. But it’s a part of me that I need you to see.”


	14. Chapter 14

Ben began to lead Rey up a steep grassy hill; once they reached the top, Rey could see a circle of tan tents outside a large stone temple maybe a mile away. They started towards it. Ben’s eyes were far away. “I lived here for a long time. Luke did his best to take me under his wing, but… I always leaned towards dark ways, and he knew that. He tried to overcome it with guidance and patience.”

“Luke was not very fatherly,” Rey said quietly. “He was a strict teacher.”

Ben didn’t look away from the distant tents. “Rarely did he show affection for any of us - least of all me. Being favored would not have changed things. Luke was always harder on me because of the immense power I possessed, but I began to resent the increased difficulty of my training over the years, despite fully understanding its necessity.”

“You needed love.” Rey said.

Hesitating, Ben wavered. “Yes. I suppose so. Regardless… I found it difficult to make friends with the other padawans. I had a rivalry with one of them, but only because she resented my strength, and took my very existence as a personal challenge.” He sighed. “Most of the others didn’t exactly like me.”

Rey bobbed her head. “I can’t imagine why.” Ben gave her a look and she gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I’ll be quiet.”

“Thank you,” Ben said.

They approached the circle of tents, and Rey could see a handful of people standing a little ways away from them. A bald man in his twenties, a black woman with white dreads, and an alien humanoid with a head like a kraken were lost in conversation. Ben stopped just short of them. Rey glanced at his face and could feel his pain intensifying. Just passed the tents were a few others, brandishing lightsabers and sparring, or headed to the Jedi temple on the hill. Rey studied the three Jedi in training before them.

“Tai,” said the black woman, arms crossed. “You know better than I do that Master Luke favors him. How can you not see that?”

The kraken humanoid made a noise of agreement. “Isn’t he the nephew of the master?”

“Luke barely interacts with him at all!” Tai, the bald man, argued. “There is no favoritism, Voe. You’re blinded by your opinion of Ben. He barely speaks to us, let alone his own uncle - his training is harder because it has to be.”

“His training is better,” Voe, the black woman, argued. “That’s favoritism.”

“He is far stronger than us. That’s why his training is more difficult, or better, as you prefer to call it - to help him control it.” Tai shook his head. “Jealousy is not the way of the Jedi.” He turned and walked away, towards the green field, and Rey and Ben stepped aside to let him pass.

Rey looked up at Ben. “He was your friend. You said you never made any friends.”

“I said I had difficulty making friends.” Ben stared after the other man for a second. “Tai was my best friend. He often defended me to the others, and… had patience with my faults. We spoke often about the pressures of my family legacy, of jealousy, and of self-actualization. He was the reason I stayed here as long as I did.”

“What happened to him?” Rey asked.

“He…” Ben sighed. “It’s a long story. Do you know how I got the name Kylo Ren?”

“I don’t, no.”

Leading her through the camp, passing other Jedi in training, Ben slowed to a thoughtful pace so it was easier for her to keep up, his eyes wandering their surroundings as he did. “Snoke and Luke fought a long time ago. During my time here, in fact. Snoke contacted me while Voe, Hennix, Tai and I were out on a mission, and we lost a fight against the Knights of Ren. They were a powerful mercenary group with a man called Ren as their leader. They sought me out afterwards and offered me a place among them, but I didn’t take it. I was still holding on to the notion that one day I would become a Jedi.”

Rey nodded slowly. “Then Snoke manipulated you to the dark side.”

“Yes. After I collapsed the hut on Luke, when I was in turmoil, the Jedi temple was destroyed by a massive bolt of lightning. At the time, I thought it was my own power. But it was Snoke.” He lowered his head. “All the other Jedi were inside. Except those three you saw.”

Rey stopped walking, pulling Ben to a stop with her, and he finally looked up. His feelings were growing dark and twisted. “It wasn’t your fault,” she whispered. “None of this was your fault, Ben.”

A storm gathered overhead. They both turned as the tents morphed into stone huts, and one of them collapsed violently inward. A young Ben Solo kicked forth from the wreckage and fell to his knees in the dirt, his saber in hand. Wretched, angry, he threw back his head and howled at the sky, tainted by the hands of a sith and haunted by the betrayal of his family. Then, as though on cue, lightning struck the Jedi temple. It imploded. The sound of cracking stone and smoldering fires roared over them, coloring young Ben red and blowing back his hair and robes. A look of horror crossed his face. He struggled to his feet and ran to the wreckage, almost tripping over himself in his rush to save the others. But he stopped short.

“Their life force was gone. They were dead.” The Ben at Rey’s side explained. They looked into the sky as a ship descended on the scene, just alongside young Ben, and Voe, Hennix, and Tai stepped out.

Rey stepped forward protectively. “They thought you killed them. And Luke.”

Ben didn’t move. “Yes.”

Voe drew her lightsaber and ran at young Ben, crying out in anger. He parried her defensively. Their battle began, Voe throwing herself into her bloodlust, and young Ben defending himself from her wrath. “You didn’t want to hurt anyone.” Rey covered her mouth with her hand as Tai stepped in to stop the battle. There was an argument. Hennix shouted something from the sidelines. A stab of pity punctured Rey’s heart. “They blamed you.”

“...Yes.” Ben watched the scene unfold as though he’d lived it a million times, and Rey supposed that in his mind, he had. Young Ben threw the others off. He stole a ship and escaped the planet, but after a brief survey of the destruction, his former friends pursued him. The real Ben and Rey watched their ships disappear into the clouds. On the planet’s surface, the fire in the temple burned out, and Luke emerged from the wreckage of the hut, barely alive. He must have been devastated. He, too, fell to his knees, weeping at the loss of his students and his failure at protecting Ben from the dark side of the force. Approaching Luke, Ben dropped Rey’s hand, his padawan robes melting into the black garb of Kylo Ren. He stood over Luke impassively.

Rey felt cold. She watched him take on his alternate persona as though he were becoming a part of the memory, losing himself in it, but she knew better. He was working through the memory in an attempt to move past it, and that was no small task. “How did you get the name Kylo Ren?” She asked him, and he turned as though he’d forgotten she was there.

“I went to the Knights of Ren, where Ren told me I’d find them,” Ben explained. “I was talking to them about joining when the other padawans arrived. They tried to fight me again, but the Knights of Ren defended me, and Tai faced off with me in an attempt to change my mind. I almost did,” he said wistfully. “But then… Ren killed him, right in front of me. Snapped his neck like a twig. In my anger, I slaughtered Ren, and Voe and Hennix ran. That’s how I became the leader of the Knights of Ren.” He stepped up to Rey, offering her his hands, which she took gladly. “As for my name… I took the ending of Sky in Skywalker and Solo, and put them together. Two bloodlines that combined to make a monster. And I took the name of the Knights of Ren.”

“Kylo Ren.” Rey swallowed.

Ben nodded. “In a later battle, when Voe and Hennix tried to get revenge for Tai’s death, they isolated me from the Knights of Ren. Hennix attacked me from behind while I was trying to fight Voe, who had fallen off a cliffside, and I didn’t have time to save her and stop him. I used the force to propel his lightsaber away from me and... it cut him in half. Voe was saved, but she never forgave me for killing them. I have no idea what happened to her after that.”

The sun had risen and was setting on the opposite horizon. Time was different here. Most likely, it reacted to Ben’s recollection of the memory of this day, but for some of the things he recalled, he hadn’t even been present. It must be his foresight. Rey watched the sun set with a heavy heart. A lot had happened to him that she’d had no idea of. In the end, she had been right about him; he had the heart of his father. In it was a light that could never be snuffed out. Not really. Snoke had convinced him otherwise because of his impaired emotional state but it had all been a smokescreen for his manipulation. Ben hadn’t even killed of his own volition until he’d slaughtered Ren. Somehow, she thought, she remembered sensing when he fell to the dark side, but there was no way that was true. Their dyad hadn’t formed yet. Or… maybe it had been forged in birth, and she’d only become aware of it when her force powers awakened. That was a powerful idea if it were true.

“You still don’t blame me.”

Rey turned to Ben in surprise. “Of course not.”

Reacting directly to his lightening mood, Ben’s black garb melted back into his Jedi robes, and he smiled at her sheepishly. “We are so different, you and I. You came from nothing, with your fierce spirit and your heart of gold, and became the pride and joy of the Jedi. I had everything. Power, family, training - and I squandered it. I allowed myself to fall.”

“You didn’t squander anything,” Rey protested. “Every event in your life pushed you further over the edge - you tried to be a Jedi with all your heart. Snoke manipulated you. Anyone in your shoes would have done the same thing.”

“But nobody in your shoes would have been able to accomplish what you have accomplished,” Ben pointed out. “You’re the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy. You have helped the rebellion flourish. You even converted a sith lord to the light.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “And I know in my heart that it will be you who will defeat Palpatine.”

Rey looked up at him, her eyes softening. “Ben…” He took her face in his hands as though she were a precious jewel. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her face into his chest and closing her eyes. “I can feel how kind you are,” she said. “Your heart is so strong and so gentle… I’m sorry for what’s been done to you.”

Ben stroked her hair. “Don’t waste your energy on pity for my past. I made my choices a long time ago - it’s my future now that’s uncertain.”

“Loving you is my future,” Rey said. “We’ll show the others that big heart of yours - mark my words.”

A laugh vibrated Ben’s chest. “I’m convinced that you can do anything, Rey.”

The memory dissolved. They opened their eyes at the same time and the white room came back into focus, but neither were paying attention to their surroundings. Rey climbed into Ben’s lap. He pushed the curly strands of hair from her cheek and kissed her with divine tenderness, their dyad giving off a glow. This side of him enraptured her. It was heavenly to feel his hands holding her, and to taste him this way. She rested her hand against his neck where the flutter of his heartbeat could be felt pulsating beneath the pale skin of his throat.

Their minds connected. Rey summoned the memory of their shared dream of the cottage, where they’d become spiritually intimate, using it to get a sensual rise out of Ben. His touch became desperate and firm. She gasped as he sank his teeth gently into the flesh of her throat. It sent waves of desire radiating throughout her entire body, and she weakened. He pressed her into the floor with his body. Being trapped beneath him fulfilled a sexual, instinctual need deep inside her that she’d never felt before; the strength of him, the delicacy of his touch, and the ease of it all comforted her. She relinquished the control of her body to him. He gladly took control, making her pleasure his sole purpose.

* * *

The star of this system sent sunlight washing over Finn and Poe, who were sharing breakfast rations in a viewing room alongside the hangar. Finn glanced out the window. “I guess we ended up staying up all night.”

“Time is weird in space.” Poe bit into a ration biscuit. “I don’t bother with night or day anymore. I just sleep when I’m tired.”

“Your brain needs night and day cycles,” Finn pointed out.

“Yeah, well my brain never joined a rebellion.” Poe watched Finn try to hide a smile. “This is so weird. I can’t believe we’re dating.”

Finn choked on his biscuit. “What? Why?”

Poe got up, wiping his hands on his pilot pants before offering one to Finn. “It’s sort of like asking for a jet fighter for Christmas when you were twelve, and waking up the next morning to find it parked under the Christmas tree. I never thought I’d get this far.”

“You’re so dramatic.” Finn took the offered hand and Poe pulled him to his feet. “I’m like a busted sand speeder at best.”

“You’re a brand new fighter jet, and I’m one lucky pilot,” Poe insisted, putting an arm around Finn’s shoulders.

Laughing, Finn patted Poe’s chest dismissively. “What a romantic.”

Before they reached the door to the hangar, Poe held Finn back, pulling him in for a kiss. They hovered together for a second. “Wanna do something?” Poe grinned.

“No, man. We have world-saving stuff to do right now.”

“Come on…”

Finn dragged Poe into the hangar. “Relax, flyboy. I don’t put-out on the first date.”

“I tried.” Poe laughed. “Did you at least have a good time, babe?”

“Now you’re pushing it.”

They found the hangar swarming with rebel mechanics beginning repairs on their damaged ships, refueling, and exchanging ideas about Exegol and the whole Palpatine situation. BB8 rolled out of the Falcon with C3PO in tow, beeping excitedly. “Buddy!” Poe said, kneeling to rub the top of the robot’s head.

“We were recharging in the cargo bay,” C3PO explained promptly. “We didn’t miss anything, did we?”

Finn and Poe exchanged a look. “Not much.” Finn smirked.

“So good to hear. Now, what is our next course of action, if I may ask?” C3PO asked.

Finn put his hands on his hips. “Exegol.”

“Oh dear,” the golden robot replied. “That doesn’t sound good at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artwork has been added to chapters 1,5, and 9 so far! All art is made by myself and my Instagram is marker_blue.


	15. Chapter 15

Finn and Poe went looking for Rey. The ship was swarming with their people, now well-rested and mostly bathed, and all of them seemed ready to face the day. Their chatter was calmer, more serious than before. The smell of cheap soap and leather filled the sterile hallways. Finn, turning down the hall he knew led to Ben’s quarters, bumped right into Rey while rounding the corner. They stumbled a bit before realizing what had happened. Laughing, the two of them gathered their wits about them.

Poe looked at her with feigned surprise. “Aren’t you supposed to see him coming with your wizard powers or something?”

“Not always,” Rey admitted. “I was lost in thought. I was looking for you, too.”

Finn nodded. “Let’s talk.”

“Let’s.” Ben stepped up behind Rey, his eyes weighing heavily on Finn, who blanched. The former sith was so tall and intimidating even in his soft tan jedi robes, with his halo of dark hair and haunted eyes. “I’ll see you at the meeting,” Ben said to Rey gently. They exchanged a knowing look. Then, Ben continued down the hall, glancing back at Finn. “Let’s go, trooper.”

Poe put a hand on Finn’s shoulder reassuringly. “It’s okay, you got this,” he said.

“Right.” Finn took one last glance at his friends before following Ben through the crowd, wondering what exactly Ben wanted to talk to him about. I mean, he sort of knew, but it was a bit unnerving to have it done this way.

Ben chose a room Finn had never noticed was there before. When the door opened, he figured out why - it was a massive council room with a huge red table, the ceiling low and the chairs stiff and uncomfortable-looking. Ben strode casually inside as though he’d been here a million times. He probably had, now that Finn thought about it. Finn stepped cautiously across the threshold and the door slid shut behind him. He stared at the other man with half-concealed disdain.

“What is it you want?” Finn asked.

“Oh?” Ben turned, a look of amusement on his face. “No ‘sith boy’ today?”

Finn rolled his eyes. “Just answer the question.”

Nodding, Ben turned his attention to the table, which he passed his bare hand over. “I’ve never been here as Ben before. It’s a strange experience to walk these halls without the anger I used to carry around with me.” He looked up. “I’m sorry for what we did to you, and the other troopers.”

Taken aback, Finn stared at him. “You are?”

“Yes.” Ben sat on the table, his hands in his lap. “Is that so surprising?”

“Yeah, it is. You were notorious for torturing troopers.” Finn crossed his arms and sat back on his heels. “You’ve changed, Ben.”

“But?” Ben asked quietly.

Finn hesitated. “What do you want me to tell you?”

“The truth. Go ahead, I can take it.”

“Right, sure.” Finn turned and began to pace slowly. “Suddenly you’re ‘mister understanding.’”

Ben sighed. “This isn’t an easy process for anybody - me included - but I would prefer if we were candid, since it’s the least we can afford one another.”

“Candid?” Fenn said incredulously. “You worm your way into Rey’s head, then into the general’s, and then into the rebellion itself, and you expect me to be candid with you?”

Ben squinted. “You’re implying dishonesty in my transition.”

“I sure am.”

“It’s understandable that you think so.” Glancing around, Ben appeared to be thinking hard. His eyes landed on Finn again. “Then again… you don’t really believe your own insinuations, do you?” He stared at Finn as though he could see right through him. “You’d prefer dishonesty to the truth.”

Finn sighed. “Maybe I do, sith boy, but that doesn’t mean I’m lying.”

“I’d know if you were lying.”

“Whatever.”

Ben studied him a moment. “You’re thinking about Poe.”

Finn paled. “What?”

“You’re usually thinking of Rey, but now you’re thinking of Poe. Did you two work things out?” Ben asked.

“That’s none of your business, or anyone else’s.”

“He’s not very good at subtly, is he?” Ben actually smiled. “He wanted you too badly to stay away.”

Finn glared at him. “I’d prefer we not talk about this.”

“Fine.” Ben got up and approached him carefully, keeping a comfortable distance. His intent was clear. “Then let’s talk about Rey.”

“Let’s,” Finn mocked.

Ben looked infinitely patient. He looked Finn up and down, more out of curiosity than malicious intent. “I know how you feel about her.”

“Yeah.” Finn swallowed. “And?”

“And I’m glad she has you, and Poe, and the others,” Ben explained. “I’m not here to interfere in your friendship - and I won’t do anything to jeopardize it. I know that’s hard to believe,” he said, lifting a hand to interrupt Finn’s protest. “Just… hear me out.” Ben watched Finn deflate. “I love her,” Ben said. “No tricks, no gimmicks, and no smokescreens; I buried my old life on Chandrila because of that love, and I’ll be atoning for my sins for the rest of my life. I would do anything for Rey, including getting along with her friends, even though they all hate me. I would take on Kylo Ren as a facade to undermine the empire and aid the rebellion. I would even face my mother, whom I betrayed at every turn, for that love.” Ben leaned forward. “I owe Rey everything.”

Finn said nothing. He was too overwhelmed with hatred and forgiveness, which battled in his chest like wrestling giants.

Ben never broke eye contact. “She could have easily killed me at any time during my transition and prevented whatever future deeds may come to pass by my hand. That was her choice. You love her as I love her, but I know that you respect Rey above all else, which is why you’ve allowed me to be here. It was Rey’s decision to do all of this,” he said, motioning to the ship around them. “So you respected that decision. I do, too. What I’m asking now is that you understand why she’s allowing me to remain by her side during my transition back to the light.”

“Because she wants you there,” Finn said emptily.

“Yes.” Ben pressed his lips together tightly. “I wish I could say that I’m sorry for the way things happened, but I can’t. I also can’t say that she’s better off with me than she would have been with you. But we didn’t make that choice, did we?”

Silence stretched. Finn shook his head, looking at the floor. Ben was right. Of course he was. If Rey wanted to be with Finn, she would have chosen him. Rey chose Ben. And that hurt. But it didn’t change things. Releasing the breath he hadn’t been aware that he was holding, Finn looked up at Ben Solo, reading the understanding and patience in his face and wondering what things would have been like if they had never been enemies to begin with.

“No,” he said finally. “Rey chose.”

Ben nodded. “This is what she wants.”

“Yeah, it is. But I don’t have to like it - or you.”

“No, you don’t.” Ben hesitated. “We’re happy together, but we know that you Poe will be happy together, too. I… just hope that counts for something. Between us, I mean.”

Finn regarded him. “A bit.”

Ben nodded. “I’m glad,” he said. He offered Finn his hand in friendship and their eyes locked.

Finn stared at Ben’s hand. Those hands held Rey, protected her - but they had also fought her, and tried to hurt her so many times. His fury rose and he quelled it internally. If this was the man that Rey wanted, then he was going to have to live with that, and there was no point in all this anger if nothing could change her mind. He grabbed Ben’s hand and they shook hands, tightly, gripping each other with fervent emotion. Nothing happened after that. The ceiling didn’t cave in. The alarms didn’t blare. Finn didn’t drop dead of poison, or sith trickery, or whatever, and honestly things would have been much simpler if he had. Now, he had to face Ben as a friend and comrade, probably forever. Fuck, Finn thought.

* * *

Poe and Rey walked together through the throngs of people to the hangar, where they stopped in the shadow of the Falcon, gazing up at the legacy of Han Solo. A mixture of sadness and pride roiled in Rey’s chest. Han was gone forever but his son had finally come back from the dark side, and she knew that Han would be proud of both of them for that great feat. She sighed through her nose. If only he could be here now.

“So, when’s the wedding?” Poe said.

Rey grinned at him. “Spring. More flowers then.”

Poe nodded with feigned understanding. “Good choice.”

Rey laughed. “I’m happy he’s here, really. It puts my mind at ease knowing that he’s finally healing after everything he’s been through.”

“Yeah, it helps having you around,” Poe admitted, sitting on a cargo bin. “You’re like his handler.”

“Am not!”

Poe gaped at her. “The guy would sucked punch Finn if you weren’t around!”

“What?!” Rey cried. “Are they fighting right now - ?!”

“I’m kidding,” Poe rescinded.

“You better be,” Rey sighed. “You scared me.”

“You know Ben would die before he hurt your friends. You’d never forgive him - right?” Poe teased.

Rey cracked a smile. “I wouldn’t,” she admitted.

“So, what’s he like?” Poe asked curiously. “In a relationship, I mean.”

“Understanding,” Rey said. “Gentle... tall.”

Nodding, Poe looked out over the hangar. “Hard to believe. I mean, not the tall part - he’s huge - but the other stuff.”

“I know.” Rey sat down beside him, elbows on her knees. “I’ve never felt so understood before, Poe. When he actually let’s me sense his feelings, I can see so much kindness in his heart. It’s amazing. I think he’ll really be happy with us someday.”

“He’s not happy now?” Poe asked.

Rey shook her head. “He feels the anger and resentment of everyone onboard. He could shut it off, but I think he’s using it to punish himself.”

“Can’t imagine why.”

“Yeah.” Rey leaned her cheek on her fist. “When everybody gets used to him, maybe it won’t be so bad, but it’s hard for him to be comfortable here. That’s only to be expected.”

“What about you?” Poe asked. “Are you happy?”

Rey glanced over at him. “I am.” She smiled.

“Had a good night, did you?” Poe teased.

“Shut up.” Rey grinned.

“Oh my god, what is that even like?”

Rey punched his shoulder lightly. “Shut up. What about you and Finn? You seem to be getting along nicely today.”

Poe got a self-satisfied look on his face. “We’re dating.”

Rey gasped. “My goodness! Congratulations!” She laughed as she hugged him, and Poe gave her a loving squeeze. “How did you do it?!”

“Oh, the usual,” Poe bragged. “Charm, good looks - talent.”

“So humble.”

“Incredibly.”

“I’m so happy for you,” Rey said honestly, putting a hand on his shoulder. “He needs somebody like you. And you need somebody to look after you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

  
“He’s your new handler, fly boy,” Rey laughed, and Poe turned a violet shade of pink.


	16. Chapter 16

At the meeting on the bridge, Finn and Poe gravitated together the same way that Ben and Rey did, the four of them standing in a close-knit group as Leia explained their situation. Apparently, no one except the sith knew where Exegol was, and everyone turned to Ben immediately. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “I was researching it when I began to have regular dreams connected to Rey,” he said. “I got… distracted.”

“I’ll say,” Poe piped up. 

Ben ignored him. “As soon as the message came through that Palpatine had an army, I knew that only the powers of the dark side could locate him, but I never located the device the sith created to locate Exegol.”

“What is this device?” Leia asked.

“A wayfinder.”

Rey looked between Ben and his mother in shock. “A wayfinder? What did it look like?” She pressed.

Everyone slid their eyes to Rey. Ben blinked at her. “It looks like a small pyramid.”  
Rey’s jaw dropped. “Nobody move,” she said, moving to the doorway of the bridge and bolting down the hallway. Everyone except Ben craned their necks to watch her go curiously. In a minute flat she was back. She ran back to the crowd, holding a sacred Jedi text over her head like a trophy. Everyone stepped out of her way as she dropped the book onto the table before Leia and opened it to a page with a narrow pyramid on it, covered in sith runes. “Ben, is this it?” She asked over her shoulder.

Leaning over her, towering over the table, Ben stared at the book in surprise. “That’s a sith wayfinder,” he whispered. “It says only two were ever made.”

“And they lead the way to Exegol?” Leia asked.

Ben nodded. “Yes.”

“Where can we find them?” Rey pressed.

Ben studied the page and turned the page as he read the runes, every person in the room looking over his shoulder in anticipation. He seemed unfazed by their lack of personal space. “One resides on a desolate planet guarded by an army of the disciples of the sith,” he said slowly. “The other was given to the sith lord of the time… Darth Sidious. If I remember correctly, he had an advisor that betrayed him - maybe he stole the wayfinder trying to find Exegol to usurp Darth Sidious.” 

“Luke had tracked the signal of that man’s ship to a planet on the outer rim,” Rey said shakily. “It was in his notes. He’d been searching for Exegol, too.”

“If Luke couldn’t find it, what makes you think we can?” Finn asked.

Rey looked up at him. “There are a lot more of us now. We can cover a lot of ground together to search the planet.”

Leia nodded. “Then let’s do it. Do you have the planet’s coordinates?”

Rey pulled put a second text from her cloth bag and flipped through it for a minute before offering it to her. “Here,” she pointed at coordinates in the midst of Luke’s notes. 

Leia took the text and looked up at the others. “We have our coordinates, and our next task: find the wayfinder. I want everyone to man their stations and get ready to search this planet. We’ll park this star destroyer nearby and take our ships to the planet’s surface. Understood?”

“Understood, general,” Poe said, and the others nodded in agreement.   
“Good. Let’s do this, people.” Leia said, watching as the crowd became an excited stream of people racing for the hangar. She smiled and turned to the blond woman at the console. The woman took a look at the coordinates. “How long will it take to get there?” Leia asked.

“Twelve hours,” the blond woman replied. “At maximum warp.”

“Do it.” Leia handed the book back to Rey. “These belong to you now.”

“These texts belonged to Luke-”

“They were on the Falcon,” Leia corrected. “Which makes them free-game. Now… I’m giving them to you.”

Smiling, Rey nodded in reply. She carefully placed both books into her cloth bag and looked up at Ben. “Could we modify a signal trace similar to the one Luke used to find the ship?”

“Yes, we would just need to search for which signal coming from the planet matches the same wavelength,” Ben said. 

“Great job, you two.” Leia smiled at them, but there was pain in her dark eyes, too. They both felt it through the force: the tremors in her hands, the weakness of her bones, and the lack of color in her cheeks. It alarmed Rey. Ben, who had known for a long time that this family of theirs was temporary, was seized with self-pity for all the years he lost to darkness. Leia had lived a long time and accomplished so much. 

But death was never easy. Or well-timed.

“Leia,” Rey said quietly, and the general just patted her hand.

“I’m so proud of the both of you,” she said. “Your teamwork has freed the galaxy of the First Order. You’ve returned my son to me, Rey. And Ben…” There were tears in her eyes. “The forgiveness that you found in Rey guided you home. I’m so grateful.”

Ben felt a sharp stab of emotion. “Mom…”

Leia stepped forward on uneasy feet and wrapped her arms around her son. Ben stiffened. A lot of conflicting feelings were fighting for his attention. Rey reached out and put a comforting hand on his arm, motioning to Leia, and Ben stared at her. It had been twenty years since he’d hugged his mother. He wrapped his arms around Leia tightly and she was dwarfed by his size. The last time he’d hugged her, it had been the other way around. He’d been just ten years old.

Tears sprung to Ben’s eyes. Suddenly it was terrifying to think of losing her. She was dying, and he couldn’t fight it, couldn’t stop it from happening. He couldn’t go back in time and change the past to reclaim all the time he’d lost. No; he had to live with the fact that he’d wasted her love for two decades and deprived himself of it for the sake of power. He tried to push those terrible thoughts away. Now wasn’t the time to mourn. She wasn’t gone yet. Right here, right now, he still had his mother - and that’s what mattered. 

“I know I have no right to ask this, but… can I have your blessing?” Ben asked, his voice thick with tears. 

“For what?” Leia asked.

“Just in case,” Ben said softly.

Leia drew back, smiling up at him. “You have it.” She turned to Rey next, who hugged her warmly. “You both do.”

Rey tried to memorize the way it felt to have a mother hold her, maybe for the last time, shutting her eyes and fighting back tears. Emotion had closed off her throat and made her tongue too thick to speak. She felt Ben’s hand on her back. His mind touched hers. They shared their grief, all three of them, until Rey reluctantly pulled back and wiped her nose on her sleeve. “We’ve got work to do,” she said. “Thank you, general.” 

Leia nodded, her tears still unshed as she watched the two of them go, their arms around one another, just the way she’d been with Han all those years ago. She glanced out the viewscreen at the seemingly endless black sky filled with stars. “Han,” she said to herself. “It won’t be long now.”

\---

Ben and Rey stood in the empty room overlooking the hangar, hovering just out of sight. Both of them were weeping; Rey for the only mother she remembered, and Ben for the mother he had discarded. Sinking to sit on the long metal bench along the back wall, Ben put his elbows on his knees and bent his head. Rey tried to compose herself. Ben offered her a handkerchief from his sleeve which she took gratefully. As she was blowing her nose, Ben pulled out a second handkerchief and cleaned his face with it. 

Rey was surprised that when Ben cried, it was totally silent. Even when they’d left Chandrila, he had sat beside her in the copilot’s seat and cried without a sound. It was so sad. She’d been sobbing uncontrollably for at least ten minutes but he’d made no noise at all save for his shuddering breath. His broad shoulders were trembling. It was like… he was afraid to make noise. She sniffed and walked up to him, pushing her fingers into his hair, leaning forward so his head was pressed into her stomach. 

“It’s okay to let it out,” she managed. He put his arm around her waist and said nothing. Stroking Ben’s hair, listening to his uneven breathing, Rey found comfort in their shared pain. She found her overwhelming sadness had passed into aching grief. “I’m so sorry, Ben.” She said. 

“It’s no one’s fault.” Ben cleared his throat and sat back. His nose was red and his composure had returned… for the most part. “At least she let us know it was happening.”

Rey nodded, watching him with her arms crossed over her chest. “Ben?”

“Hm?”

“Why did you ask for her blessing?” She asked quietly. 

Ben’s eyes flickered to her’s. “Just in case.”

“Just in case of… what?” Rey pressed. He didn’t answer. “Ben, is everything alright?”

“Yes, I’m sorry,” Ben shook his head and got up. “We should be working on the beacon locator. Let’s go.” He walked passed her into the hall, hesitating to see if she would follow. Begrudgingly, she did. He offered his hand and she took it. “I’ll explain everything later… okay?” He said quietly. 

\-----  
Using one of the destroyer’s labs, Rose began work on the beacon locator, with Ben at a reasonably close proximity giving directions for its file-tuning. Rey leaned on the white table with both hands as they worked. She chipped in occasionally when Rose hit a snag; she was a bit of a tech wiz herself, after all. As they talked about the locator beacon, Ben watched Rey with guarded eyes. There were things he wasn’t telling her. Then again… that was pretty much his whole deal. Rey tried to put it out of her mind for now. When he was ready, he’d tell her, or do whatever it was, and that was that. She’d pry later. Still, he probably wouldn’t give, and she knew that.

The intimacy they’d experienced last night was a nagging thought in the corner of her mind. She’d never really done things like that with anyone else; it was hard to imagine settling for the men on Jakku, especially before she’d left. The dyad in the force that connected her to Ben had been incredibly strong last night. Rey guestimated that the closer they became, the stronger the bond would be, and she was curious about what other powers their bond would develop within them. 

Ben certainly felt stronger than before. Likely it was the release of the anger that had shackled him. His connection to her had been clearer and more defined even before last night, and she could sense him holding back his power even now, probably trying to avoid reading the minds of everyone onboard. She studied him without hiding it. He could probably feel her questions. Not at all abashed or dissuaded by her gaze, Ben stared back at her calmly. Right now, his feelings were tender, and gentle. Rey felt warm. He was like a deep tidal pool - dark, and filled with wonderful secrets.

“I think it’s done,” Rose said, ignoring their weird romantic tension. Her dark eyes sparkled as she offered the device to Rey. “You will be careful, won’t you?”

Rey nodded, smiling. “I will. Thank you, Rose. I appreciate having your help.”

Rose bobbed her head gently. “Just keep an eye on the boys,” she said in a low voice. “All of them.”

Ben raised an eyebrow coyly, but Rey just laughed. “I’ll do my best.”

\-----

Later, after dinner, Rey sat in the corner of the hangar, where they held their meals while they were here. Finn brought his plate over and sat beside her. “Where’s wonder boy?” He asked.

“Sleeping.” Rey smiled at him. “He only gets a break from his powers when he’s asleep.”

“Right, your wizard powers. They run on autopilot?” 

“Sometimes, yes. They can become volatile depending on your emotions. Ben has been trained by Luke, though, so he can handle it. This is just a hard time for him. He wants to be ready.”

Finn nodded, his black hair glistening in the dim light. All of them hated the florescent lights of the ship, so they shut them off in the hangar at night and ate by the light of their electric torches. It put the crew at ease. No one liked being on this ship. Finn ate quietly, watching Poe stop to chat with someone across the way. “He told you, right?” He asked Rey.

Rey smiled at her hands in her lap. “Yeah, he did.” She squinted at him awkwardly. “I’m sorry things worked out this way, but… Poe is a good man.”

“I know. And please don’t apologize.” Finn smiled at her. “It was just meant, I guess. The both of you… I’d do anything for you guys, you know?”

“Yeah.”

Both of them watched Poe smile and laugh with C3PO. A comfortable silence touched the space between them. Unrequited love and unspoken resolution passed from one heart to the other without the need for words. Rey reached over to her dinner plate and began to eat; her dinner was cold, but it was still good to assuage her angry stomach. Finn finished his soup in silence. He seemed so content. When Poe joined them, he started a hearty conversation about ship mechanics, and he and Rey argued lightly for the rest of the meal.


	17. Chapter 17

When Rey returned from dinner to Ben’s room, the light from the hallway cast a long thin band of light over his sleeping body, his broad shoulders rising and falling gently with each breath. Rey stepped inside. The doors slid closed behind her. Using only her sense of the force, she guided herself to his bedside. She felt only peace and quiet from him now. Smiling, she kicked off her shoes in the dark and let her hair down from her three buns, running her fingers through to untangle it. Her waterfall of nut brown hair swung easily over one shoulder as she moved to lay beside Ben. She knew he would not wake.

Rey settled down to sleep. The warm presence of her lover brought her easy relaxation. She shut her eyes against the darkness and curled as close to him as she dared, the anxieties of the day slipping away from her. And in her placid sanctuary, she slept.

* * *

Tonight, Rey found Ben just outside the cottage on Naboo. She stepped barefoot from the front door and crossed the lush, flowered yard to meet him. He was watching the horse graze from a respectful distance. It’s sleek coat glinted in the twilight sun. Ben, once again bearded and in his white robes, seemed lost in thought. When she came to stand by his side, he offered his hand to her absently and she took it, threading their fingers together.

“What is it?” Rey asked softly. “You’ve been distant tonight.”

“I’ve just been thinking.” Ben sighed through his nose.

“About what?”

Stirring, Ben glanced down at her with a softened look. He didn’t seem eager to share his thoughts with her; still, she waited patiently. After a moment he shifted. Leading her away, to the lake nearby, Ben picked through the tall grass thoughtfully. “Tell me about you,” he said finally.

Rey stared at him as they walked. “You already know me.”

At the lakeside, Ben seemed to know just where a large flat stone rested, jutting out past the lakeshore and lapping with its gentle waves. He eased to sit there and guided her to as well. “I want to know what you don’t want to tell me.”

Nervously, Rey studied his face, but he was calm - almost serene. “What do you mean?”

“There are parts of you that you wish to shield me from,” Ben explained. “And there are parts of you I will never know, or understand. That’s only natural. But whatever you think may cause us problems in the future… well, I want to know.”

“Now?” Rey asked. “Here?”

Ben nodded. He motioned to the lake and they looked out over the moonlit waves, so lazy in the breeze. “This is the perfect place for it.”

“You mean for a fight,” Rey said quietly.

“If that’s necessary.” Ben touched her cheek, and she looked at him in surprise. “Rey… I will not fight you without your consent.”

Rey was seized with panic. Yes, there were things she didn’t want anyone to know about herself, let alone Ben - no, especially Ben - but her secrets were few and dangerous to no one except herself. “Why do you need to know my secrets?” She asked.

Sighing, Ben thought for a moment. “Consider this… counseling. Neither of us are bringing a good home life to the relationship we’re currently pursuing. Unlike my parents, we’ve faced the majority of our problems head-on, and I’d like to continue doing so before any commitments are considered.”

“Commitments like… what?” Rey raised an eyebrow, but Ben loved being cryptic.

“You’re stalling,” Ben insisted. “Humor me.”

“Yeah I am. Okay.” Rey dug deep into her repressed thoughts and pulled out a handful of tangled messes. One of the less hairy ones was chosen first. She picked it up and examined it anxiously. “I’m afraid of stability,” she said. “All my life, I’ve known only chaos and change.”

“Only until you experience stability will you cease to fear it,” Ben replied. “My father was the same way. Flighty. He never slowed down to experience the stability of a normal life; if he had, as you will, he would have found it to be as fulfilling as any smuggling mission.”

“Much less adrenaline involved.”

Ben looked into her eyes empathetically. “No more sleeping in military cots or dirt floors.”

Nodding slowly, Rey began to understand why he’d started this now; they were about to experience the turmoil and monotony of married life. This was marriage counseling. “Soft beds,” she said wistfully. “Warm fires in the hearth on cold nights, and cool summer breezes on warm nights.”

“Now you’re getting it.” Ben’s eyes were smiling but his expression was still impassive. “What’s next?”

Rey reached into her tangled thoughts and pulled out a slightly bigger one. It was heavy in her hands. “I had never known a man’s love before last night. I’m not sure what it brings,” she admitted. “No one ever… taught me about it.”

Taking both her hands, Ben turned them palm-up and lightly traced his fingers along the pink skin there, calloused from saber and staff training but still very sensitive. She watched as he drew swirling patterns in her hands. The spark of his tender touch sent shivers through her body. “Your body is a finely-tuned string instrument, and it's my job to learn how to tune and play it,” he said. “Mine is a percussion instrument. It requires little to produce a sound, which then establishes a steady rhythm. Sex itself is like an agreement - a conversation with a predictable end. The conversation may be gentle or gruff. The methods may vary. But it always begins and ends the same way: with intent on mutual physical pleasure. We begin the conversation… we both work towards the desired conclusion… we achieve it together.”

“But what am I meant to do?” Rey pressed. “You did everything last time.”

Ben gave a coy smile. “You can do what you want with me.”

Rey blushed. “That simple?”

“Yes. We begin the process, and occasionally ask each other for favors during sex, which both of us have the option to decline. It’s action and reaction. Nothing more.”

“Example?” Rey asked curiously.

Ben hesitated. “You bit my lip once, when you kissed me,” he said. “I would like to ask you to… bite me… during sex.”

Now Rey was as red as a tomato. “W-Where?”

“My throat. My lips.” Ben’s smile grew. “Wherever you want… within reason.”

“Oh,” Rey whispered. “The pain is okay for you?”

“Yes.”

“What if I hurt you?”

“I’ll let you know if you do.”

“You’re not afraid I’ll…?”

Ben shook his head. “I’m very sturdy.”

Rey stared at him. “You enjoy it.”

“I do.”

“I see,” Rey said slowly. “So we can ask before, during, or after for… favors?”

“Yes, although before or during is preferred.”

“What if…” Rey swallowed hard. There were only two fears left to contend with; the one she chose next was the more daunting of the two. “What if I become…”

“I won’t let that happen until you’re ready,” Ben said firmly.

“But what if…”

“If you get pregnant, we will deal with it together.” Ben sighed. “We’re both afraid of being in a family way. I’m not ignorant of that. But…”

“Don’t hesitate,” Rey pleaded. “Tell me.”

Ben cleared his throat. “Someday… I want children.”

Shocked, Rey sat back a little as though a blow had knocked the wind out of her. She couldn’t help the look that appeared on her face but she regretted the hurt that it caused Ben when he saw it.

“You don’t trust me.” Ben let her hands slip from his.

“No, no - Ben, I do,” Rey cried.

“No, you don’t.”

“Ben, please try to understand - ”

Rubbing his face, Ben lowered his head. “I do.”

They both fell silent. Rey felt cold. It was just all so sudden; she’d been a virgin until last night, and a week ago they’d been mortal enemies. Imagining a family was so impossibly difficult for her. Not because she was afraid of Ben, but because the idea of a normal family was so detached from what she’d known of life that she was terrified by it. There was no way for her to prepare for that kind of thing. And Ben… “We’re just not ready for this conversation yet,” Rey said. “It’s not about trust. It’s about timing. I can no more trust myself to be a mother than to…”

“Than to trust me to be a father,” Ben finished for her. “I know.”

“There’s no reason to be upset.” Rey tried to reach out for him but he shied away a bit, so she stopped. “Ben. I didn’t mean anything by my reaction. Please believe me.”

"You not meaning to upset me doesn't help."

"I know. But, Ben… the reason why I'm so afraid is because of the blood on your hands," Rey trembled. "I trust you with my life. But I can’t trust you with the lives of others."

"How can I prove myself to you any further than I already have?"

"By keeping your word to me. Never let me fear for your soul again."

"For how long?" Ben asked emptily.

"As long as I need," Rey said angrily. "If you had seen the bloodlust in your eyes when we saw you amidst all those bodies on the bridge, or felt the constant fear that we lived in when you were the enemy, or feel the loss of each rebel you took from us as though they were your own flesh and blood - maybe then I could so easily be satisfied. But you can't see yourself through my eyes. And I won't make the mistake of having a child with a man who cannot control himself."

A flash of anger cut the space between them like a knife. Ben was hurt and fury welled up to mask the pain, but he held it back. No matter how much it hurt, he held it back.

Rey felt herself calm down at the sight of his pain. She sighed through her nose. "I wish this were easier."

Ben loosened up a little. "It won't ever be easy between us."

"But we're not here because it's easy." Rey held out her hand to him. "We're here because of love, and loyalty, and trust. Can you prove to me that you deserve my trust?"

"I can." Ben took her hand immediately.

"Can you protect others from yourself?" Rey asked.

"I can."

"Can you earn your place by my side, forever?" Rey asked.

"I can," Ben said gently.

Rey leaned over and kissed him hard. When she pulled back, he seemed dizzy with affection. "Then prove it."

* * *

Poe was wrestling with the washing machine in the officer’s lounge when Finn found him. Kicking, cursing, and growling, Poe struggled to get the machine to work. His disheveled appearance was actually kind of funny. “Son of a bitch,” he swore. “Just start!”

Taking him by the shoulders, Finn moved Poe aside and pressed the keys on the machine in a specific order. It beeped and began to fill the tumbler with water. Finn smirked at his astonished boyfriend. “You do remember that I worked here, right?”

“Sometimes.” Poe smoothed his hair, embarrassed. “What are you up to?”

“Looking for you. I just followed the sound of swearing.”

Poe flushed. “Right.”

“Poe,” Finn said. “It’s not like I don’t know you. Relax.”

“I suppose.” Hands on his hips, Poe glanced away.

Finn gave him a look. “What is it now?”

“Nothing. It’s fine.”

“Poe.”

“Am I really, you know…?” Poe winced.

“Impulsive? Grumpy? Incredibly uncivilized? Ridiculous?” Finn laughed. “Yeah, it’s like your thing.”

“Fuck.” Poe ran his fingers through his hair. “I didn’t think I was that bad.”

“You kind of are. But it’s fine - like I said, I knew that.” Finn crossed his arms. “Feeling a little self-conscious, buddy?”

“Shut up.” Poe sat down heavily on the long bench against the wall.

The sound of sloshing water and electric humming accompanied Finn’s scuffed footfalls as he walked over to Poe. “What’s up with you?”

“I said it’s nothing,” Poe snapped.

“Okay, chill,” Finn said gently. He sat beside Poe and put his hand on his back. “Is this about Leia?”

Rey had confided in them last night about Leia’s fading life force; she was going to die soon, maybe before she got to live in the peaceful world she’d fought so hard for her entire life. It had hit Poe the hardest. Leia had seen something in him nobody else had. She’d nurtured his leadership skills for years. Finn wondered if she planned on letting Poe take up her mantle, and he figured that was making him anxious.

Unfortunately, Poe didn’t think he was ready. Poe’s silence after Finn’s question was answer enough. Rubbing his back, Finn sighed. “I’m sorry, buddy.”

Poe bent over and put his face in his hands. “I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Let me help.” Finn squeezed Poe’s shoulder. “First of all, try to relax.”

“Come on, you know I can’t.”

“Just try.”

Poe grumbled to himself. “Fine.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, composing himself. It probably took most of his willpower.

“Good. One more time.”

Poe took another deep breath obediently. By the time he’d released it, the tension in his shoulders had eased. “I’m still freaking out.”

“I know.” Finn smiled. “Poe… whatever happens, we’re all here to help you out. You don’t have to do this alone.”

“Yeah?” Poe asked wearily, looking up at him. He paused. “Damn, you’re handsome.”

Finn rolled his eyes. “Focus.”

“Focusing freaks me out. Let me un-focus.” Reaching over, Poe put a hand on the back of Finn’s neck, passing his thumb over the soft brown skin there. Finn shivered. “When was the last time anybody was gentle with you?” Poe asked suddenly.

That caught Finn off guard. He blushed. “Never, I don’t think,” he said.

“Jesus.” Poe studied him with sultry eyes. “I guess that’s my job now.”

“Poe, come on,” Finn warned, but the pilot was already leaning closer, coaxing him in for a kiss. Finn’s heart began to pound.

“I’m not doing anything,” Poe murmured. Then, he tasted Finn’s dark lips with easy tenderness.

His touch weakened Finn’s resolve. Pushing his hand beneath the collar of Finn’s shirt, Poe began touching him very gently. Finn felt dizzy. He clung to Poe’s leather vest with one hand in a white-knuckled grip. An incredible sensation rippled across his chest as Poe ran his fingertips across the flesh there; the buttons of his shirt came slowly undone. Poe kissed him more deeply.

It was like the reality around them melted away. Finn felt nervous electricity building in his stomach as Poe dragged his fingertips down his supple torso. It was doing something to him. Confused, Finn hesitated, and Poe drew back from the kiss they were locked in. “Don’t be nervous,” he said softly. “I got you.”

“But…” Finn shivered anxiously, but Poe kissed him with warm resolve. Finn felt safe. He was safe.

“Relax,” Poe whispered against his mouth. His hand lowered, rubbing Finn’s stomach, then his pelvis. Finn’s belt buckle loosened. When Poe found what he was looking for it elicited a moan from his lover. It was a comfortable shape in his hand. Clearly, nobody else had been allowed this luxury, and Poe savored it. There was an ease to the way he and Finn did things. No one else was as comfortable with him as Finn was; maybe it was his temper, maybe it was his gruff nature, but people tended to be wary of Poe, so it was nice to be trusted like this.

Asking when the last time someone had been gentle with Finn had made him think; no, he couldn’t recall if anyone had ever been. Probably not even his mother had been gentle with him. They were picked up as orphans and forced into the empire, so it was likely his mother died in childbirth, or ran off as soon as she was rid of him. The other kids had been pretty rough. The empire certainly hadn’t been kind. No… only Rey and Poe had ever treated him like a person, let alone considered treating him gently. Rey had become less gruff to him over time. But Poe…

“Fuck,” Finn groused as Poe finished him. An explosion of pleasure racked his body. His pulse was thundering through his veins. Poe, determined to be tender, kissed his throat with slow motions. Finn began to come down. The room started to fade back into focus. There was still only the two of them and the humming washing machine. Finn stared at Poe, shocked and satisfied. “Wow,” he trembled.

Poe grinned. “It’s one of those things that always feels better when someone else does it.”

“No kidding.” Finn realized he was out of breath.

“Can you, uh…. let me go?”

“What?” Finn looked down at his hand, clamped onto Poe’s vest. “Oh, my bad.” He pried his fingers loose; they were aching fiercely.

Poe couldn’t stop smiling. “I love you.”

“I know,” Finn chuckled, fixing his belt and the buttons of his shirt. He was still flushed. When he looked up, Poe was still staring at him, waiting. He smiled. “I love you too, buddy.” They shared one more kiss.

“Are you really a virgin?” Poe asked coyly.

“Yes, shut up,” Finn grumbled.

“Oh, I am so lucky, holy shit - ”

“I said shut up!”


	18. Chapter 18

The next morning, Rey and Ben prepared to go planetside with the others to search for the sith wayfinder. Rey bound her hair, wet from the shower, into three buns. She then knelt to tighten on her boots. It felt good to be in completely clean clothing for once - although, that was probably going to change soon. Searching this planet wasn’t going to be easy. Rey glanced at the beacon on her wrist. At least they had a compass of sorts.

Glancing over as Ben finished adjusting his robe sash, Rey smiled. He was still stiff in his jedi robes so watching him get dressed was like watching an actor adjusting to a new costume. She felt a rush of affection; there seemed to be no limit to how much she enjoyed his company. How he moved, how he felt, how he smelled - these were all new sensations she would love to get used to. If this was what it was going to be like most of the time, then she would commit to him in a heartbeat. If he was ready, that is. She looked away. Children, huh?

“Don’t dwell on it,” Ben muttered, and when Rey met his eyes she saw he was blushing. 

Rey grinned. “I’m gonna dwell on it a little.” She shrugged her cloth bag over her shoulder and went to stand by him. “I never considered it before because… well, I barely had enough resources for myself.”

“I could make sure there was enough.”

“Not the point.”

Ben nodded absently, flexing his hands to relieve tension. “I suppose asking what the point is should be my next question.”

Leaning over, Rey wrapped her arm around his, giving him a good squeeze. “We’ve been dating two weeks, Ben. Let’s try to focus on the task at hand.”

“Your friend, Palpatine?” Ben asked. “Or your pal, Friendpatine?”

“Ha ha. Very funny.” Rey gave him a look. “I have something for you.”

“You do?” Ben waited patiently as she fished in her bag for something and handed it to him. It was Luke’s lightsaber. The weight was cold in his hand. “But…?”

Rey patted his shoulder. “I’ve got another one.” Ben stared at Rey as she walked to the door. “Coming?” She called. 

Smiling, Ben latched the saber to his belt and followed her obediently. “Always,” he said.

* * *

  
  


“Poe.” 

“Yeah?” Turning from the bay door, Poe gave a muffled cry of surprise as Finn grabbed him by his lapel and kissed him. When Finn pulled back Poe looked like he’d been hit by a truck. “Oh,” he said wistfully.

Finn smiled. “You were staring off into space. Penny for your thoughts?”

“Oh - yeah, I uh…” Poe cleared his throat and gathered his wits about him with difficulty. “Sorry, I was just thinking about the mission.” He put his hand on Finn’s shoulder and leaned on him a little. His face was suddenly very serious. “You don’t think… Ben is using us to find the wayfinder, do you?”

Hesitating, Finn studied him. “It’s certainly something to keep in mind, but… no, I don’t.”

Poe nodded in relief. “Good. I just can’t shake my bad feelings about the guy, you know? I feel so edgy with him around.”

“I know.” Finn glanced at the other rebels, anxiously readying their ships. They were all in danger if anything happened to compromise their mission. Palpatine was like a god in the sith world - if Ben betrayed them, there was a good chance they’d all get wiped out. Finn turned back to Poe, who still looked unsettled. “It’s gonna be okay. Rey has a handle on Ben. If anything happens, she can get him back.”

“I guess.” Draping an arm over Finn’s shoulders, Poe sighed. “Just… stay close, okay?”

Finn smiled as they began walking back to the Falcon. “I will.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Rey and Ben met the new couple at the ship. Ben felt fully in control of his faculties for the first time in two weeks; where his sorrows used to rest, now his shoulders felt lightened, and he no longer struggled against weariness or anger. His steps were lighter. His stride was smoother. Standing by Rey’s side, he held his head up high. She was right. He had to earn his spot here. He wasn’t completely at ease, of course, because every time he made eye-contact with someone they looked like they wanted to rip him limb from limb. Still, it was progress. They would come around eventually. Probably. 

He touched the saber on his belt absently. It was Luke’s. So, which saber did Rey have? He eyed her. Sometimes, he was worried that she was just as deceptive as he was. But that was ridiculous… right?

Poe and Finn approached, slung together, from the open bay doors overlooking the space surrounding the planet below. No doubt they had been enjoying the view. It was a lush planet with a primitive native race, according to their scanners. 

Finn nodded to him. “Ben.”

Genuinely surprised, Ben studied his face. “Finn. Poe,” he added politely. Poe wrinkled his nose in distaste.

“Alright, enough of that,” Rey said, pushing the couple up the ramp. “Let’s get going!”

Ben waited a minute before following them up the ramp and into the Falcon. “This thing is a death trap,” he said, watching the door shut behind him. “I’m getting you a new ship, Rey.”

“And how exactly do you plan to do that? You’re broke now,” Rey pointed out. 

Ben made a face. “Right. Well… I’ll think of something.”

Nudging him, Rey smiled. “I won’t hold my breath.”

Ben smiled back at her. “Good idea.” 

They stepped into the cockpit, and Ben sat awkwardly in one of the back chairs, his incredibly long legs taking up most of the personal space he was allotted. Rey and Poe took the con. Finn, leaning over Poe’s shoulder, peered at the console inquisitively. Ben reached out to sense his feelings. Finn was tense, anxious, and preoccupied - probably because of Ben, or the mission - but Ben dug a little further and found composure, and ease. It was odd. Usually Finn was a tangled web of suppressed feelings. Jealousy and anxiety were his strongest two. Ben had seen his bursts of impulsiveness in action during some of their battles, too; Finn used acts of selfless bravery to balance those negative feelings. It had been working pretty well for him before. I mean, everyone copes differently with their negative emotions, but Finn’s way was pretty dangerous.

Ben stared at the back of Finn’s head. Not anymore. Finn’s heart was as light as a feather. Rey would be glad to know that his relationship with Poe was going well so far. Ben smiled to himself and averted his eyes before Finn turned around to take his seat. 

“Quit staring at me, sith boy,” Finn muttered.

Ben glanced at him warily. “You’re happy.”

Finn gave him an odd look. “Stop doing that, please.”

“Right. Sorry.” Ben pretended to look out the viewscreen. Finn was a spitfire with a strong moral compass and Poe was fun in a whirlwind, lover-boy sort of way. Maybe someday, they’d hate him a little less. He wanted eventually to be friends. But being friends was asking a lot. So… a little less hate would be nice, just to begin with. He wanted to search Poe’s feelings too, but considering Finn’s reaction, he decided against it. 

The Falcon lifted off amidst the other ships and followed the crowd of them into the upper atmosphere of the planet. Neatly, the pilots broke into group formations and spread across the area where the wayfinder signal had originated. The Falcon dipped down in the center of the area and began its descent. They had left the star destroyer in orbit because of its obvious origins - no need to freak out the locals with an empire ship - but a small crew had stayed behind to man it just in case. Leia was watching patiently from the viewscreen along with a handful of her people.

As the clouds rushed past them, Ben reached his mind back to the ship to check on Leia, who sent feelings of confidence and calm to meet him. Ben glanced at the sky. Hopefully, they had more time with her than they thought. 

The land where they touched down was a desert. Rey rested them onto their landing struts gently and pointed at the radar. “There’s a village nearby. Let’s see what the locals have to say about the wayfinder. Chewy - C3PO?” She called, and the golden droid popped his head out of the back room with the wookiee peeping over his head.

“Yes?” He asked.

“You two are coming with us,” Rey said. “BB8 - guard the ship.”

“How exciting!” C3PO gushed. BB8 gave a sad series of beeps, and 3PO patted him.

  
  


* * *

  
  


The surface of the planet was arid and hot. Rey stepped onto the sand and inhaled the dry breeze. Just like home, she thought. She lifted her wrist to look at the beacon and turned her body until its signal solidified. “This way,” she said, leading her friends into the desert. Ben was right at her heels, with the boys at either shoulder, watching him very closely. That was to be expected. This was Ben’s first mission outside his Kylo Ren persona. Chewy walked at the back with 3PO, discussing something in broken English and wookiee. Rey looked up as the other ships landed nearby to begin their sweeps. It was nice to have so many allies and so few enemies; knowing there was no one on their tail made things vastly easier. 

The beacon pointed towards a ripple on the horizon. As they drew close enough to make it out of the heat haze, a small village emerged writhing with life. Music touched their ears. The smell of fried alien foods and foreign spices pricked their noses. Rey was astonished to find a party going on. Once they reached the crowd, they could clearly make out all the people, who were dressed to the nines, covered in flowers, and hoisting mugs of alcohol into the air as they jostled together in a rhythmic dance. It was a blinding, bright collection of the natives, who seemed totally unfazed by their interruption. In fact, they offered them drinks and flowers as they followed the beacon signal through the partying masses. 

A few children bumped into Rey, and she hastily apologized as 3PO approached them to translate. The young girl said something short and pretty. “She says her name is Nadia,” C3PO said. 

Smiling, Rey leaned over and shook her hand. “Rey. Nice to meet you, Nadia.” She blinked as the young girl slipped a corsage over her wrist and plunged back into the crowd with her friends in tow. Rey looked at the flower. It was fragrant and white, with blue spines in the center. 

“How intriguing. This must be a century-old celebration,” 3PO said. “It looks like most of their signs say… anniversary.”

“Anniversary of what?” Rey asked. She turned to see Ben hovering away from a male-looking lifeform who was offering to dance with him. 

C3PO said something to the alien in his language, and with a twinkle in his eyes, he nodded and turned to dance with another like him. Ben gave 3PO an eyebrow. “I told him you were taken,” 3PO explained.

“Can we go?” Ben cleared his throat. Poe and Finn were snickering at his shoulder.

Rey smiled and nodded to him. They continued their wavering way through the throngs until they reached the food vendors. Quick as a flash, she traded them some metal currency for a shashlik - a kind of meat kebab that smelled heavenly. She tore at it as they rounded the village and spotted a range of desert mountains a little ways off. “There,” she pointed with the kebab. She passed the kebab to the others, who all took a bite as they went. Before Ben could have one, Chewy plucked it from his hands and finished it off, laughing in a guttural, growling way that made Ben uneasy. 

The music faded behind them. Poe brushed flowers off his vest, and Finn plucked petals from his hair as they approached the shadow of the mountains. Ben was silent. Suddenly, Rey stopped walking, and Poe came up to her shoulder. “What is it?” He asked. “Is it broken?”

“No.” Rey was making a face. “It says it’s right here.”

“Where?” Poe turned, looking around, and the others glanced around as well. It was a blank part of the desert. The mountain was still a kilometer away. 

Rey dropped her wrist. “Right here.”

Stepping forward, Ben scanned the area, reaching out with his mind. Rey felt it slide passed her and touch the surrounding sand. His hand rested on his saber. He hesitated. “It’s nowhere on the surface, but it is here.” He looked at the sand. “Below us.” 

The others exchanged a glance. Chewy made a sound of disbelief. “How exactly can we find something underground without shovels?” C3PO pointed out.

“Like this.” Ben shot Rey a look before stepping out into a darker patch of sand nearby, where it was wavy like the surface of a lake, instead of flattened by the wind. His boots sank into it. “Hope you can hold your breath,” he said as he began to sink into the ground. 

“Ben!” Rey ran to grab him, but he was going down fast, almost waist-deep in the discolored sand. She got his elbow just as it went under. 

Their eyes met. “Take a deep breath,” Ben said quietly, and Rey realized she, too, was being sucked under. She immediately sucked in a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut as the ground swallowed them both. Finn’s muffled cries found her even as sand filled her ears. It felt like sliding through a hot gritty tomb. Rey’s breath began to run out. Panic spiked her blood. She clung tightly to Ben’s arm, pulling her body closer to his, but after what felt like a lifetime, the sand finally dropped them into the belly of a dark cavern. Rey gasped for air. She rolled over, pushing sand from her eyes, and felt warm hands lifting her upright. “Ben?” She coughed.

“It’s okay. Breathe,” Ben intoned.

Rey obeyed. The stale air rushing into her lungs calmed her racing heart. She’d thought that they were going to die. When she could see again, all she could make out was the silhouette of her lover in the dark. “Quicksand?” She cried. “Why didn’t you say?”

Ben seemed confused. “Nothing happened.”

“I thought I was going to die!” 

“Sorry,” Ben said sincerely. “You trust me, right?”

“Why the hell do you think I did this?” Rey grumbled, knocking sand off her hands.

Ben chuckled. “You thought it had me.” He shifted, and suddenly a beautiful green lightsaber was illuminating the room around them. She could finally see the mischievous smile on his face.

“Cheeky bastard,” Rey smirked. “Where are we?”

The saber swung through the room as Ben searched the walls for something. “These aren’t natural. Something made them.” He squinted. “There are always sand worms.”

“Why are there always sandworms?” Rey looked up. “What will they do, think we’re dead?”

“They’ll wait.” Ben took Rey’s wrist as gingerly as if she were made of glass and used the beacon to point them in the right direction. Their eyes met in the green light. The saber burned, scorching the air, and Ben motioned forward. “Go ahead.”

Rey nodded. “Right.” She drew away her hand and used it to produce a saber from her bag. The burning blue light of Leia’s saber cut the green light in half. 

Ben was astonished. “Where did you get that?”

“It was Luke’s last gift.” Rey started down the tunnel opening, holding the beacon wrist aloft. “He hid it in the Falcon before he died - I was doing some maintenance on the aft thrusters when I found it. The note said it was for me.”

“Impressive.” Ben paused. “Do you think he approved? Of us, I mean?”

“Definitely not,” Rey laughed. 

A ghostly rustle behind them made the pair freeze. They turned slowly as a boot emerged from the quicksand in the ceiling, then two. “Poe?” Rey said as the surly pilot dropped from the ceiling and landed with an OOF! On the cave floor. 

“Rey?!” Poe shook sand from his hair and blinked up at them. “I knew you guys were okay!”

“Where is…?” Rey and Poe looked up as Finn’s boots popped from the ceiling. 

“SHIT!” Poe scrambled to get away, but Finn dropped right into his lap. Poe gave a cry of pain. 

“Poe!” Finn rolled away, lifting himself up on his elbow. “I’m so sorry!”

Poe, pained, sat holding his crotch. “It’s okay. I didn’t want kids, anyway.” 

Rey gave Ben a coy glance, and he actually blushed. “You two okay?” She asked, helping brush Finn off.

“Yeah. Chewy and 3PO weren’t crazy enough to jump.” Finn spat out sand. “That was crazy, sith boy - you’re becoming as impulsive as Poe.”

“Thank you.” Ben offered a hand to the both of them, hauling the couple to their feet effortlessly.

Poe scowled. “Don’t look so pleased with yourself, would ya?”

Smiling, Ben eyed him. “Not a chance.” He patted Poe’s shoulder sympathetically. The pilot, uneasy but clearly surprised, stared at him as they began their trek down the tunnel. 

“You’re like a solid wall of muscle,” Poe quipped. “A whole-ass beefcake; I had no idea that was Rey’s type.”

Rey shrugged. “It’s the hair, actually.”

Ben looked very pleased with himself. They strode through the tunnel in a tightly-knit group with Rey leading and Ben at her heels. “A sandworm made these tunnels,” he explained to the others. “Stay close. They could be nearby.”

“What do sandworms eat, anyway?” Finn asked, and everyone looked at him awkwardly. He turned scarlet. “I was just kidding!”


End file.
